Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/16/2010

Question
Dear Dennis:

I'm trying to figure out if it's a good idea to date my
friend Mike or not, and secondly I'm trying to figure out
how to go about it. Here's the back story:

I met him online last spring, and he took forever to ask me
out. I think we corresponded for over a month, meanwhile I
was dating other guys from the site (eHarmony). Finally, we
met up. I didn't feel a spark because he was so socially
awkward, and I told him so after just two dates. But because
we'd corresponded so long, I told him I'd like to be
friends. I usually don't do that with men I'm not interested
in, but I liked talking to him. Well, since then we've hung
out several times, and he's gotten gradually less awkward.
Sometimes I used to feel too embarrassed to even invite him
to parties as a date, but lately he's seemed almost normal.
But more than that . . . he's really kind.

Fast forward a couple months. My birthday came and went, and
I was really touched that he remembered to wish me a happy
birthday, especially when I'd ignored him for about two to
three months before hand.

More than a week ago I went to his place to hang out, and he
was much more natural on his own turf. (He also started
doing cross fit training, so he's bound to get really ripped
soon.)

So over the past week, I started thinking that my strategy
of holding out for Mr. Perfect hasn't worked out so well. I
haven't slept with anyone in over a year, and I'm feeling
extremely pent up. I'm not courageous enough to find an
outlet with a stranger at a bar; masturbating no longer
affords relief; my only other close (and single) guy friend
is someone I find physically repulsive. I think it's
starting to affect my work (I keep inappropriately crushing
on my co-worker) and my friendships (I've started resenting
my Christian conservative friends for holding me back, even
though I know deep down it's not their fault I'm still
single). I need sex.

And Mike is not unattractive to me. I always thought I could
do a little better, but my past boyfriends haven't been so
great either. Plus, he's kind. He likes to exercise like I
do. He actually read Pride and Prejudice and enjoyed it. He
likes the same dorky things I do. He hates vegetables, and I
hate vegetables. (Strangely, we're both really thin.) He
remembers everything I tell him. He isn't that funny, but he
gets it when I am. I told him I enjoyed a book once, and he
bought it and read the whole thing! Also, here's a
coincidence: I was thinking about reading the Count of Monte
Christo, and it was on his bookshelf! I'd never mentioned it
once to him. He let me borrow it.

I don't think of him as a doormat like I used to. I see now
that he's just a really sweet guy, who knows how to
prioritize and take charge of his life, but who is also
willing to make sacrifices and really go out of his way to
help a friend. I respect that.

We're going to see Harry Potter together on Friday, and I
was contemplating jumping his bones after the show. I'm not
particularly worried about ruining the friendship. It hasn't
existed long enough to be something of great value. I guess
I don't really know how to go about it, though. I don't feel
comfortable telling him about my change of heart, because I
kind of haven't had one. It's more like now that he's less
nervous around me, I feel that I can again contemplate
dating him. So essentially we've rewound a few months and
we're back at the third date stage.

So this is a long build up to my questions:
1) Am I thinking like this just because I need sex?
2) If so, is that necessarily a bad thing?
3) If not, should I just come on to Mike without talking
about it?
4) I guess I'm assuming he's still interested in dating me.
It's possible he's moved on . . . I don't want him to feel
like I'm pushing him around by dropping him, ignoring him,
and then coming on to him just when he's found another girl
on the site that he might like (but hasn't met yet).

I honestly just really think he's a nice guy. And yeah . . .
I'd like some sex. Is that so evil?  

Answer
Hello Linda!

First of all, I'm very, very proud of you for coming to grips with all of this! You've pushed past all of the dogma to get down to something that is real and fundamental. You realize that not every love affair has to be "the one" and that sometimes you can have what you want (and give what someone else wants) because it's right - for right now.

Seriously. I'm very, very proud of you!

1) I'm sure that your need for sex has something to do with it, but it's not the only reason. I'm sure you and your friend have developed a connection as well. You have a common spirit and a rapport and allows you to be your natural, sexual self around him. More important, you're not beating yourself up over these completely normal feelings and that's a very good thing.

2) No, it's not bad at all. Very good - as I've already said.

3) You're very likely going to have to come on to him in a very direct way. You've already turned him down once and he's not going to risk getting another ego-bruising by approaching you. With that said, this is a pretty clear sure-shot for you. You risk nothing here!

4) Yes, I know you don't want him to feel that way, but let's face it, that's what's happening here. I know you don't want him to feel like he's being used either. Nobody would want to feel that way, but let's face it: we "use" people every single day. We work "through" people to get what we want. Sometimes it's sex. Sometimes it's affection and closeness. Sometimes it's to advance at work. There are a million ways in which we "use" people to get what we want - and they use us too. That is NOT a bad thing.

Linda, the bottom line is that this can actually be a good thing for both of you. You may even find that once the sex is out of the way, he opens up to you in a new and very appealing way (most guys do!) This might wind up just being a friends-with-benefits situation or could actually be your next incredible love.

Regardless of where it winds up, I encourage you to move this forward for your benefit - and for his too.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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