Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/21/2010

Question
Dear Dr. Dennis

I been having relationship woes. I cant seem to find a guy my parents divorced when I was nine. And I get a little bit shy around a guy and cant like show my true self to them. I am into spiritual and family oriented men. I was dating once before and he left me I want to get married one day have a family but when I say those things its like the guy runs away or the ones I choose. I just hate that. I am a pretty girl at least I think so. I am a lonely spanish woman at the age of 24 going on 25 I never been on a date at all and its embarressing to me because some of my friends talk about how lovily there so called date is or was and I cry because I never had that. I am a learning disabilled child growing up I have add and adhd I wish I was dating someone who understood me and where I was coming from I dont want a controling jerk or a guy who thinks he is to hot for me or conceeded. I am very picky I dont mean to be its just I saw way to much in my family and I think I need to brake this cycle.

I want someone who is mellow kind honest not a liar true to himself and others pious but understanding good to kids and such all the good qualities in a man I am into asian and spanish men I want to know how do I get what I want I want a really good looking man who is skinny has nice teeth good skin cares about his health tall and just understanding I want a guy who is not afraid to be himself around me and who is willing to marry one day and wont run off on me. I never had a relationship that lasted over a year or so.

Answer
Hello Jacqueline!

Wait a minute here. There's absolutely a disconnect I'm not getting. If you've never been on a date, how in the hell are you getting so far into things as to be telling guys that you want a family? That is something you get to down the road - not up front. No wonder these guys are bolting! This becomes all about YOU; YOUR needs, YOUR wants, YOUR expectations, YOUR demands, etc., etc.

You say you wish you could find someone that "understood you". What you mean is someone that just accepts you the way you are without any growth or change or anything. Jacqueline, that's a cop-out. Everyone has good and bad things about themselves and this has nothing to do with having ADD or ADHD. This is about being lazy!

In fact, you haven't worked on yourself to BECOME the woman that men want to date! You want them to just accept every dumb thing you want to do and just love you "for you". Nobody does that.

Let me ask you this: do you go to a street vendor and buy something from him just to make him happy? Of course not! You buy something because YOU want or need it. It's that simple.

People date for the same reason! In this case, you're the "vendor" and these guys are your "customers". They will only date you if they see the value for themselves. By having all these rules up front, being picky, etc., you're never going to attract your customers and thus, will never sell anything.

You have to start seeing this through the eyes of your customers, not through your own eyes! That's a very selfish way to try to date and build relationships! No wonder you've never been on a date! You're not "dating material".

It's terribly unfortunate, but your situation isn't unique by any stretch. Far too many women do exactly what you're doing - and fail miserably at relationships because of it. They think only about what they want and focus on finding the guys by thinking "...if he'll only see what I have to offer..."

Jacqueline, BULLSHIT! What exactly do you have to offer?

You have to STOP asking what the guy brings to the table and START figuring out what YOU bring to the table! Simply put, you are selfish and self-centered as hell! No guy wants to be around that in the long-term, trust me.

On the flip side, if you start focusing on the benefits you offer to someone else; if you start really building your skills as a partner (in every way: sex, companionship, friendship, contribution, etc., etc., etc.) and then learn to express those benefits to someone, you'll have more guys beating down your door than you know what to do with!

More important, if you continue this same "giving to get" attitude and become the woman of some man's dreams, he'll be trying to throw a ring on your finger faster than you say "proposal" because he'd be terrified of losing such a gem.

Or, you can just continue being entirely self-focused and be alone the rest of your life. The choice is yours.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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