Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/26/2010

Question
I'm 35 and have been single for almost two years.  I've never been married and I have no children.  Getting back into the dating scene has been difficult.  I've tried online dating and some fix ups from friends.  So far, there was not even an inkling of a spark.  Last Saturday I met a nice guy at a party who I was finally attracted to.  We chatted all night, he walked me to my car, and then kissed me goodnight.  I gave him my number and told him he should call me.  Well, it's Thursday night and no phone call.  I'm beginning to feel like there is something wrong with me since I am not married, and really only had 2 boyfriends in the past 10 years.  I'm ready to settle down and I really want a family.  I try not too look too desperate, but I must be doing something wrong.  I have tons of friends, many outside interests, and a good job - so I'm not always sitting at home alone.  But, I crave a relationship.  It's been two years and I'm ready.  So, 2 questions:  1) will the guy from Saturday ever call (in your opinion), and 2) what one thing can I do to make myself more attractive to men?

Thanks,
Teresa

Answer
Hello Teresa!

You've discovered what I tell people all the time: on-line dating is a great way to waste lots of time and resources. On the other hand, the guy from the party sounds promising.

Don't be too worried that it's been 5 days. I know how long that is in "girl years", but to us guys, it's not really that long at all. I'd say you need to give it at least another week before you start wondering.

Regarding the "one thing", there isn't just "one thing". There are many of them - and likely more I don't know about you specifically. However, I'll say this: men are attracted by your looks first. That's how we initially decide we want to know you better.

Many women mistakenly believe they need to have model-good-looks in order to attract a man. Absolutely not so! We are attracted by many things and by accentuating your best features and working your assets, you'll do very well.

Another very important thing most women forget is availability. If you look available, we're much more likely to approach you. For instance, going out in a large "girl pack" is a very bad choice unless you break up into smaller groups of no more than 2 or 3. Think about this: if we see a group of 12 of you, that's simply too daunting for most guys.

Looking engaging is another critical feature. To do this, you have to get your eyes up off the floor, out of your drink, out of your lap, etc. Look around and make eye contact. Then, learn to hold it just a little too long and look away (in particular, down first and then to the side). Then, after a couple of seconds, look back at the guy and add a slight smile. This "engages" us and will cause many guys to start the approach.

Keep in mind that these are all subtle signals. The biggest problem however is that guys aren't subtle creatures. Further, today, very few guys know how to approach women they're interested in. They simply don't know what to do! Thus, by learning how to approach guys yourself, you're going to be way ahead of the game.

Even better, you have tools available to you that even us guys don't have - and they are highly effective! If you want to learn to approach guys on your own, check out my ebook, "How Women Can Approach Men" available on my website.

Finally, about this "looking desperate" thing: get over it. Not only do us guys not think that way, it's a ridiculous fear that has obviously kept you single for 2 years. If the plan isn't working, change the plan - not the goal.

I get approached all the time and to this day, I've never thought any of these girls were desperate! In fact, I think they were all hugely strategic, strong, bold and bordering on genius!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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