Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/17/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dr Neder, I was dating a man for almost 6 months and about 3 months into the relationship he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He's 54, I'm 48. Learning of his condidtion did not change anything at the time. I let him know I was fully supportive. Things were going perfectly, it got to the point I was sure he would pop the question. Soon after he got hormone therapy treatement that he was to have before he began radiation, his moods changed drastically. He became very agitated and said some things that were unkind to me. We had several trips together and met his family over the holdiays. During that trip he began to distance himself emotionally, not physically. In mid January after not hearing from him for two weeks, very unsual behavior, we talked on the phone and he told me it was over. I was completely shocked. His reason's were not related to his health but "me" and why I was wrong for him. I'm not sure at this point whether to believe what he was saying was his true feelings or that his health was the real reason. I have had no contact with him at all since then and his radiation will be completed the first week of March. Do you think that he just needed some time to work through his issues or did he really mean that it was over for good? I do have things at his house that I have to get eventually so I know there will be contact again for that reason. Everything I've been told about breakups is do not contact him, let him come to me, but how do I know when this rule applies, when it is okay to break it and how long do you wait? I am sending him a card with a hint of religious undertones, just to let him know I'm still thinking about him and wish him well.

ANSWER: Hello Kim!

That's actually a brilliant rule about breakups if you want to stay broken up. Be clear about this: as they saying goes, distance may make the heart grow fonder, but prolonged distances makes it forget.

Frankly, that is no "rule" at all. If you want this relationship and it's worth being in, it's worth fighting for. I have no idea what meds he was on, but this is all dramatic stuff for him. He pushed you away but that doesn't prove this relationship shouldn't be. You can't rely on his emotional state at this point!

I'd suggest that before the therapy ends, you check in with him. That's only a few weeks away. You have to get your things anyway and that might be enough time to begin reconsidering what you had - and for his head to clear out the drug-induced fog.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I did mail him a card this morning with a little note inside, I tried to make it short and sweet and wished him well, hope you feel better, let me know if I can do anything kind of thing. How much time should I wait before I call if I don't hear anything say, by the weekend? I have no way of knowing what his feelings are right now or where his head is and it's not been a pattern in our relationship for me to call him, it was always the other way around. Now I don't know what I should do or even what to say to him without coming across needy or lonely. You know what I mean.

Answer
Hello again Kim!

My problem with this story is that you seem more concerned with coming across "needy" or "lonely" than at all concerned with the fact that this guy is going through cancer treatment!

Now, you're going to write back blasting me and telling me how that's not true, but I have to say; even for you to consider that tells me the reality.

Kim, guys simply don't think that way. We don't see your attempts at being loving as needy or clingy or desperate. Those are myths that you women continue to inflict on each other over and over again.

Instead, we see them as concern and connection and caring and especially...feminine. God forbid he should actually see THAT from you!

Yes, call him on the weekend. You have excellent reasons to be there - whether he claims he wants you there or not. You don't know what's going through his mind or what the meds and therapy are doing to him. It'd be a shame (sham?) if things died simply out of some ridiculous fear of looking desperate.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"