Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 2/9/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello:  In many of your answers, you advise that if a man does not approach you it is because he doesn't want to. Is is really that simple?  Several times in my life, men have gone out of their way to show up around me even in places they don't usually go, stare at me but avert their eyes when I look at them, speak to everyone else near me but me. This perplexed me when I was teens and it still does.  I've been told that I am very attractive, but I am also a shy person.  It was easy to tell myself, even when I was attracted to these guys, that if they really liked me and can talk to everyone else then they should be able to approach me. One guy I once dated told me that I make a guy "work too hard" to meet me. I did not agree with him. But after reading your answers and experiencing one of these "shy" guys, that I really like, pull away for a while then "flirt" again,but never speaks to me, I am wondering do these guys think that by staring and showing up near me that this is their "move" and I am suppose to take the hint and approach them?  My thought is that if I did this, what kind of relationship could I expect, especially if they could not find it within themselves to talk to me first?  I would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

ANSWER: Dear Lynn,

I think you are right-on.  Always go ahead and test your hypotheses, though.  Get aggressive with one of these guys -- what they THINK they want, and report back to me what happens.  A client of mine did it the other day, just to learn from it.  Some guy called her and was hemming and hawing around.  She said, "Well then how about dinner Thursday night?"  A simple question.  He said, "no."  LOL.

I maintain a guy who won't make the approach and take it from there is not a viable candidate.  There can be many reasons why, and it is not worth your time and energy to try and figure them out.

But again, don't take me word for it.  Do it yourself.  Make the approach.  Ask a guy out.  Ask for his number.  Write back and tell me what happens.

(Stick to you instincts.  They are spot-on!)

Susan Dunn
THE DATING COACH
www.susandunn.cc



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: No I won't approach him. I feel that I will be losing something if I do.   The fact that I have not taken him up on his “hints” and made a move on him, something that many women told me that they would have done, could be the only reason, he seems fascinated and THINKS he wants me.

There must be a very good reason why this guy is showing a strong interest but won't approach me, and that reason is stronger than any interest in me.   This is the initial attraction stage and already there is a huge problem.

I won’t waste time trying to figure out why, because the issue is with him and will take time and energy away from other things I am doing.  I think you are right-on in your advice for women and relationships.  I do have another question, do you think these guys ever think they are leading women on or are they so absorb with themselves, they don’t think about it or just don’t care? Thanks again. Lynn

Answer
Dear Lynn,

You are a smart lady to realize:  I won’t waste time trying to figure out why, because the issue is with him and will take time and energy away from other things I am doing.

So, as to your question about are they leading women on, or are they so absorbed in themselves they don't think about it or don't care -- I am going to gently guide you back to your own wisdom.  You and I could take a specific example and hash it out.  In fact that's a lot of what I do in Dating Coaching.  And the reason might be different for each one.  And for some, the answer might be "who the heck knows, but I haven't got time for this..."

I want you to truly understand that sooner or later the misery ends.  You meet the guy who's right for you, and who knows you are right for him, and it all falls into place.  Up until then, it can be a pretty miserable time.  That's why having a dating coach is such a good idea.

Best of luck.  Hold out for the best.  You deserve it.

Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc