Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 3/13/2010

Question
I have known Fred for a few years now as we used to work with each other where we used to flirt with each other and have a laugh,i have liked him since then, however i was in a relationship at that time and with him been younger than me he was not wanting to get in a serious situation so i kept my feelings to myself, about 5-8 months of knowing him he started seeing Sarah which looked like it was serious, I am a regular visitor to his mums house and i voiced to his mum 3 years ago  that i like him and she told me to tell him which i did but the 5 year age difference was an issue, he is still with Sarah now married and has a child with her but he is still playing away from home, he recently spoke about the fact that Sarah does not want anymore children and that he may end up leaving her cause he would like a big family, i voiced that i want many kids to and he suggested that we get together if Sarah is fully against having more kids, then he says that she might change her mind soon and that he doesn't want to give me false hope. I accepted this but i also told him that i had previously mentioned how i feel to his mum and told him that i love him and it's been him since working together 5 years ago. I thought that me telling him i loved him would push me away, but he came to visit after the e-mail i sent and discussed some of what i had wrote, then talked about the future and that once he has sorted the things he needs to sort then he will make more of an effort with his personal life, said that he really likes me but again he don't want to give false hope. It's frustrating cause i love him so much and have tried to ignore the way i feel and even settled with someone else for a couple of years. Sarah hates the fact that we're good mates cause he tells me his troubles, she says she don't want to be with him but is scared to leave in case he hurts her which he wouldn't do, i don't think. My questions are... Will he ever be mine? How can i make him see we could be good together? How can i help this situation to go my way with out hurting anyone or been blamed? I want him to make the choices cause then i will know it's his choice. He still comes to visit me and touches me in ways that friends don't touch. HELP!!!! MEN!!!!

Answer
Dear Tina,

Help!!  MEN!!  Spot-on.

Okay.  First of all -- there is nothing "the other woman" can do to "get" a man away, unless that is what the man wants, so it isn't your fault.

The best thing to do here is give him space to figure out what he wants and what he is doing.  Try and hold on to your heart and feelings, because this could go either way.  You are correct that you aren't going to feel good unless it is HE who comes to YOU.  So play your cards that way.

Good luck,
Susan Dunn, MA
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc