Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

Men are not monogamous creatures at heart...but I think men are a lot more faithful than they're given credit for. It seems that every single guy I talk to wants to find one woman and marry her and be sexually faithful to her forever.

The Tiger Woods thing is extreme. I have overheard large groups of men talking about him at work (they didn't know any women were listening), and they all seemed really disgusted and disappointed with him for cheating on Elin and his children (who is way better looking than most of those chicks anyway).

No one thought he was a cool guy for being a womanizer, all the men thought he was classless (or had sex addiction problems)

Most men I've talked to (at least almost all those above the age of 25) want to be with one woman and wouldn't dream of cheating.

Isn't that interesting?

I mean, the media (surprisingly other men) are always saying stuff like 'all men are players and want tons of chicks' and while it may be true of the younger guys, and possibly the famous athlete/actor/musicians etc. but it still seems that the majority of men want to be with only 1 woman.

I mean...if you think about it...most guys in rock bands are married with kids...not saying they haven't had groupies on the road...but in the end they only want to wake up next to one woman.

Any thoughts on this?

ANSWER: Hello Tessa!

Thanks for your comments!

Being monogamous and being faithful are two, totally different things. One is a nature-borne thing and the other is a choice. You're confusing the two.

Humans, and 98% of all mammals share a common strategy in seeking and winning mates. Monogamy isn't natural to humans any more than it is to these other mammals and in fact, before the turn of the 20th century, men actually lived longer than women by NOT following this requirement whereas today that's reversed. There are a number of reasons for this; not the least of which is stress - much of which is caused due to our culture imposing pair-bonding requirements; something not natural to our species.

With that said, yes, many men DO choose monogamy and in fact, do it pretty well. We have all sorts of controls built into our society to help insure that. The opinions you've heard expressed about Tiger Woods is just one example. I've talked to a LOT of men about this subject - the last conversation being just two nights ago - and let me assure you, what you've been told and the reality of how men really feel aren't the same. You very well might be asking the wrong questions here.

Take into account also that these men may have a different agenda with you than they would with another man. Men definitely communication differently amongst themselves than when a woman enters the conversation. Frankly, you've likely never even heard how men really talk to each other as it's always "adjusted" to fit a feminine ear when one is present.

The reality is this: our physiology is designed to do best when we (men) are polygamous. Yours (as a woman) however does best when you are monogamous. We have skewed culture (and only for the last 5,000 years or so) to fit your physiology rather than a man's. We've even skewed things further in the past 10 years than in the past 100 just to show how much culture plays both in the realities AND perceptions of these things.

With that said, many men are very good at keeping their promises to their partners and frankly, that's a testament to how good men are at adjusting their own priorities; and therefore actions, to fit the circumstance.

However, it doesn't change the original programming at all. Men are not monogamous by nature - and no amount of wishing or wanting changes the evidence to support that fact.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks. Well, to be honest, a lot of women aren't monogamous either (cough cough). Plenty of wives cheat on their husbands too, quite a few are sex addicts to, it's not just limited to men or Tiger Woods certainly - I see it all the time. But MOST of women are monogamous.

It's true, men are not monogamous. But I also do note that most men are really nice guys, when they finally do marry a woman, they don't desire to cheat on her. Which is a nice thing.

Answer
Hello again Tessa!

As I said before, human sexuality is extremely rich and complicated. It's impossible to draw any single rule that fits everyone - including you! (cough cough)

You're absolutely right by the way about most men being "nice guys". Sometimes that works against them however as per the common question I get from men (and women!) where their spouses/lovers have turned off the sex in the relationship.

I believe that the vow to "...forsake all others..." is predicated on the assumption that the partner will provide for that person's sexual needs and that is the only reason why someone (in particular men) would make such a vow to their partner.

Thus, not providing sex in the marriage or relationship is just as much cheating as going outside of it!

It then brings up the question of Elin's responsibility to her husband in this regard. I've never seen a husband that was getting everything he needed at home go out to find it elsewhere.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"