Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/3/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello. I am a 24 almost 25 year old young woman who has pretty much been single for 3 years. I've been in one "serious" relationship for 5 years from the age of 17-22.
I feel as though I am ready to meet someone, or at least be dating more often than I am.
Once your out of school it seems so hard to meet someone. I feel like I'm a decently attractive person, who is out going and that I have a lot to offer a man... but I feel like they don't see it on the outside... or don't give me the time to even get to know me.
I never get hit on anymore... it seems like I am invisible to men. I don't know how much I believe the whole "once you stop looking it'll happen" but in all reality I feel like every single girl is looking! And why not.
Most men close to my age just want one thing... so I feel like I should be trying to date someone closer to 30? But where the heck can I meet these eligible men who will be interested in me and at least go for me?!

ANSWER: Hello Tara!

I feel as though you're ready too! That's something of a long "dry spell". You're also right about it being more difficult to meet someone after school. That doesn't mean it has to be tough however, you simply have to change-up your game.

Frankly, I see girls making the same mistakes over and over again which just keeps them single. There are many of them, but for instance, they go out in huge "girl packs" (anything more than 3 girls and/or guys), they don't focus on their assets; assuming that guys should just "...like them for them..." (how will they ever get to know you if you don't first catch their eye?), not looking open and inviting or learning how to flirt, and probably 1001 other things I haven't mentioned.

Yes, of course guys want sex. Why is that a problem for you? Think about how that attitude holds you back: you actually want men to date just like women date. Guess what? You already have a pool of people to draw from if that's really what you want - other women.

Don't do that to yourself. Realize that in fact, men want the same things you do, but we go about getting it differently. Don't be afraid of our sexual nature, instead let it work for you by appealing to it.

One of the first things you need to do is to take a deep breath and sit down with pen and paper and figure out what you're looking for. It seems to me your goals are far too nebulous. You want a "nice guy" (I'm sure) but beyond that, who else is he? What does he do for a living? What does he do for fun? What's his family like? What are his goals? Where does he come from? Etc., etc., etc. This isn't something you do in 10 minutes - you need to spend some real concerted effort that will likely last over at least a few nights! Then, when you're done with this, do the same thing by describing the relationship itself.

The point of this is to get your mind focused. You need to have a clear vision of what you're looking for; otherwise, the very first guy that walks by is the "right one" simply because he matches your lack of goals.

Second, get your expectations in line! I can't tell you how many women write to me with the same basic idea: "...I'm an attractive woman...". Ok, fine. Maybe you are and maybe you aren't - obviously I don't know - but every woman today seems to have expectations of meeting some guy that simply doesn't match her.

Depending on what part of the country you live in, there are likely MANY "attractive women" right there. For instance, here in Los Angeles where I live, you can't throw a rock and not hit a beauty! That's not enough in this sort of market to carry to into a relationship; and frankly, I see tons of incredibly beautiful women that are alone. There has to be something more...

...and there is!

Your looks might get you noticed *IF* you know how to use them properly. That means you have to learn how to market yourself. You need to learn how to work your assets and play-down your less-than-great features. Well all have them.

As I mentioned before; going out isn't enough either. You need to make sure you're out in small, non-threatening groups and be sure to break away from the pack once in a while so that someone that would like to meet you has the chance if they don't want to work a group. On this point, remember that very few guys today know how to approach women either in packs or alone!

Because of that and because of the competition out there, many "successful dating women" have learned how to approach guys themselves! I know a lot of really beautiful women that simply got tired of waiting around and picking from only guys that would approach them and started learning how to do this themselves.

Many women are terrified of this, but often, you don't have to do too much at all. Simply initiating an approach is usually all it takes. This is more than simply making eye contact, but usually not much. If you want to learn all about how to approach guys yourself, check out my e-book "How Women Can Approach Men" on my website (http://BeingAMan.com).

Another aspect of this is making sure you're meeting the right guys (as per your goals we discuss earlier). If you're not finding single guys, you're not going to the right places! A yoga or cooking class are probably not going to yield many opportunities. Bars and clubs aren't great choices either; nor is the internet.

On the other hand, great guys ARE everywhere else you go! The dry cleaners, the bank, the store, the auto repair shop, etc. If you learn how to make connections here, you have an unlimited resource of great places to meet guys.

Mostly this is just being "out, and about" - far more than getting all dolled-up on a Friday night and hitting the clubs; although there will be some guys there too if you can deal with all the competition.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow, thank you so much for the great quick response.

I have one last quick question: I keep hearing so many different things about a woman going after what she wants... i have asked guys out, and i have no problem approaching them.. but then you hear "dating experts" saying "guys like to chase, its okay to go after what you want, but if a guys not chasing you or calling you he's not interested."

Should I just put that in the garbage and continue going after what I think I like in someone?

Thanks again!

Tara

Answer
Hello Tara!

Yes, you also hear so-called "dating experts" telling women all sorts of dumb things! I've even seen it right here on this board! They tell women things like:

* Don't pick up the phone when he calls
* Don't call him back if he leaves a message
* Don't accept a date if it's less than 4 days before the day he calls
* Cancel the date at the last minute
* Hold him off from sex as long as you can

...and 1001 other simply stupid games.

These are things that may have worked (to a degree) when your grandparents and parents were dating, but things have changed - dramatically. They simply don't work any more! In fact, they are rude, manipulative games - and men today see right through them. Further, would you really want to date some guy that fell for these dumb games anyway? Of course not!

Tara, it's really unfortunate, but there really aren't that many "experts" in this field. There are lots of people that claim to be because; well, it doesn't take much! Someone sits down and writes a few articles, gets them posted on the internet and claims "expertise". Then, they go about leading these poor men and women astray. How do I know this? Simple: many of these casualties wind up at my doorstep!

When they do, they claim exactly what you've claimed here! "Many dating experts say..." Well, sure they do. That doesn't make it right. Look at their client/reader/viewer base and see what that tells you. Wait, what's that you say? You can't find it? They don't state it? Yep, you're right - and now you know why.

Further, men have far, far fewer opportunities to learn these skills - whereas women have far more. Most men don't know how to approach women today - or even that they should. They don't know how to "convert" (approach to digits, digits to dates, dates to sex, sex to relationships, etc.), they don't know how to manage pretty much any aspect of relationships! I'm trying to teach them, but I'm only one guy.

Here's the reality: the BEST relationships always happen when WOMEN chase - not men. Men see this as interest and availability. Women on the other hand see men as "desperate" - something men simply don't believe about women.

Yes, you should throw away that - and all ridiculously bad advice - and go for what you want. Tara, trust me, you deserve it. All you have to do is go get it. Just bring your own container.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"