Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/19/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dennis

I'm 38 and been crazy for a 44 year old man for over 2 yrs.  I fell for him pretty quickly and slept with him on our 2nd date and although I see nothing wrong with that, I'm now wondering if I blew it and he's pigeon holed me as hook up material only?  He's a man who has lived a full life, had plenty of women sexually, been committed but never married and someone I never dreamt might judge me.  3 years down the line, we hook up every so often, get on like a house on fire albeit we can bicker like an old married couple (but enjoy the challenge), have great sex and lots of affection but the next day he's always cold towards me - kinda like he's repulsed and wants rid of me as quickly as possible!  I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel about him - its obvious, but now I wonder if he EVER liked me, if I've been wrong to think that he did and I'm just a convenience?  He likes a drink, maybe too much, and says I need to stay away from him as he's no good for me.  He's also been hurt in the past and inflicted hurt in other relationships which he now feels guilty about.  Trouble is - I see the good in him, know and accept his flaws and have deep feelings for him.  I just can't let go and forget him.  What can I do to get this man into my wicked clutches for good?!  Or is he truly just not interested and I'm wasting my time?  Will men still have sex with a woman if they really don't like her?  Dumb I know, but I'm very frustrated, confused and too old for this nonsense!  Does he hurt me because he hates me, or worse, is indifferent to me, or for some other reason?  He's always testing me too...telling me other men like me and what do I think of that then?  Do I want to date them etc, blah blah - very strange at our age!  I think he'd be pulling my pigtails in the playground if we were 6!

Thanks Dennis.....Adele x

ANSWER: Hello Adele!

I agree with you: I see nothing wrong with sleeping with someone on the second date, or the first or the 10th. The goal is let things happen in their own time - whatever that time is. Far too many people try to artificially manipulate things by taking them "slow" or for that matter, "fast".

Part of the problem is that I don't read minds. I really don't know what he's thinking or feeling. What I know is that you have a great sex life and are otherwise close friends and more. By definition, you actually HAVE a "relationship" although it may not be the relationship you want to have.

I sincerely doubt he hates you, but yes, it's entirely possible for a guy to hate things about his partner and still have sex with her. It's also possible for women to do this too. You certainly don't like his lack of commitment to you!

What I sense is that you're waiting for him to define everything here. For instance, you probably wait for him to call you to come over rather than seeing that you have rights too. If you're good with the sex-only relationship then nothing needs to change, but if not; and in particular, if you're trying to exchange sex for a relationship, something definitely is going to have to change. He doesn't seem to want them too and that change then has to be yours.

One of these can be that you give him a call or simply show up and bang him stupid while inviting him out on a date or two. Go do something fun - especially if you know he enjoys it. Yes, I know you've probably done this a few times in the past, but is it a habit? That's really all a relationship is - both a habit of being together, doing things, etc. on a regular basis, and an expectation that you'll continue to do them, be together on holidays, birthdays, take trips together, etc.

You have as much power to create this as he does.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again Dennis and thanks for your response.  

Just another quickie....I know I do want to exchange the sex-only hook up' relationship for the full on relationship, but I can't see how I can do that if he doesn't want the same thing?  I guess what I'm asking is, you shouldn't have to persuade a man to be with you, right?  By any means?  If he's interested, it will happen (and I've been told by other men they will know if you are serious relationship material within 5 mins)?  I don't feel I should have to do that or try and manipulate the situation.  He has said he is afraid of me (no idea why -  he won't answer that) and that I am just `fun, good times, party party' blah blah, always keeping me at a distance whilst no doubt messin about with other ladies.  I suppose I'm wondering if he means that and will it ever change, or is just saying it for some reason, probably to maintain the distance?  I know, you can't read minds but I wish you could!  I feel like I've invested enough time and energy into this over the years, I've not forced things; let them develop (or not!) at their own pace and I've been more than patient and by now I should be getting some hopeful signs, which never seem to come.  I've now decided to withdraw the `benefits' side of things if I'm ever in his company again and just be friendly towards him - I don't see why he should be getting what he wants while I'm not getting what I want (besides the sex of course!) - stalemate?  You are right about the control - he really wouldn't appreciate it if I just turned up and demanded to see him, in fact he'd be angry, I think?  He's been angry about things before when I've taken the initiative.  I would never ever do anything again.  I'm quite passive in the situation, but always the seductress.  The light is either on or not and I'm the one who controls that.  Maybe he thinks I'm getting all I want?  B-gger, now I'm answering my own questions!  

Having re-read this, I feel like a total sap who is being used.  And a sap is the last thing I normally am nor care to be.  And while I've been wrestling with this man over the 2 years I've let 11 other men go by who really liked me.  It's mad, but they didn't interest me in the slightest!  I'm beginning to wonder if you just can't have the ones you truly want?  In fact, I feel quite angry!

Thanks Dennis.

Adele x

Answer
Hello again Adele x!

Why shouldn't you have to persuade a man to be with you? Do you think that your dazzling smile, flowing hair and big tits should be enough? Obviously, I don't know if any of these things are true, but my point is this: this is selling, pure and simple. It's as much your job to show him that you're worthy of far more of his time, energy and emotion than he's giving you just as it's his job to do this with you. You aren't entitled to any more of a relationship than you're willing to earn.

In fact, this is very likely the problem here! He sees you as lazy and unwilling to invest in things with him - and after 2 years of this, I doubt he's going to see anything else even if you do change. Since you're the "seductress" you seem to think that's all you need. It's not. Guys are absolutely sick and tired of lazy women that want to use their sexualities as a way to "land" them.

What's happening (and remember, I talk to a LOT of guys from all over the world) is that we use women like you for sex and go find someone smarter for relationships. It's that entitlement mentality again that causes so many of you girls this problem. You didn't get "used" at all. You set yourself up to prevent getting anything more. Thats a very different thing!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"