Expert: L.E. Coleman - 5/26/2010

Question
Dear Expert:

I went on a date with this man I met online and spoke to for months (he's a slow mover), and he seems very nice. We have similar interests and I think he is reasonably attractive. I'm not feeling a huge pull towards him, but we have only been on one date so far, so I know it could happen later.

The only thing is that he emails me everyday, texts and calls often. It's difficult to get off the phone when he does, and his "funny" stories are incredibly dull. I know he just likes me, and that's flattering in a way. But it's also really scaring me off.

I like to be in a bit of doubt after the first date as to whether or not the guy will be around for a third or fourth, but from the way he's acting, I know with absolute certainty that this guy is in it for the long haul. Where's the challenge? I want to feel excited, and I don't. This weekend I'm going out of town, so I know he'll call again at least twice before me meet again, and by next week his endless phone conversations may have turned me off completely.

Perhaps I'm just trying to make excuses for him because I'm tired of dating, but I really don't think he's a bad guy. I don't even sense insecurity, just genuine interest. He's a little dull, but I think I could liven him up if I knew him better. What is a polite way to tell him that in the beginning of a potential relationship, I really need more space than what he's giving me?

Answer
Hi Sarah.

It's really quite simple and you've already came up with the most polite way to deal with this. That is, tell him: " I really think you're a nice guy and this relationship may go somewhere or it may not. But in in the beginning of a new relationship, I really need more space than what you're giving me."

This kills two birds with one stone. First, the 'nice guy' plug is generally a killer and men pick up on it once they here it. And secondly,you can take comfort in yourself by knowing that you're being honest about the way you feel.  You don't have to worry about whether or not you'll hurt his feelings. The bottom line is this: you already know in your heart that this is not going to work because you intuitively feel that he's not the one. Right now you're just trying to rationalize things because you don't know the best way to break things off without hurting him.  The truth of the matter is you'll hurt him more by stringing things along.

L.C.