Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/31/2010

Question
QUESTION: I have several issues mixed up but will try my best to be clear and concise.I married at the age of 21 and divorced at 31.I have a son from my first marrige.I moved to a new city with my parents hoping to find a new life and a lovely guy to settle down with as I'm a total romantic.I met a man two years younger ,who was from an ivy league college ,a total gentleman and as interested in fashion as i was.We hit it off instantly and i couldn't believe I've found a person with so many similar interests and was polished and funny.He too was from a broken family and we had every thing going right.We were into each other and i thought that this was surely the man who was going to marry me.
A week later, while our relationship was only going from strength to strength and i had visited his dad's place and his mom's(a fiery woman)place ,he said that our relationship wouldn't work.I was puzzled.I questioned him.He didn't have an answer and all he could say was that sometimes there's no closure.
Two and a half years have passed.We have tried to move apart and are unable to .We have fought hundreds and thousands of times. We have broken up two hundred times.He started a fashion company and i became his head creative person.Thats further complicated things because i love my job and he needs me at work.(Muslim nation with not many talented designers around)All through out this time he has said that he does not want to marry me.Yet his morning texts arrive with kisses and hugs and love and since I'm the one who does want to marry him i don't seem to kick his ass.In between i met up with another guy just to make him jealous and it worked.He proposed.However he backed out of it in three to four days.Now he tells everyone that he cant get into it because i have a temper.Today we are still close but totally strained.We go to most social gatherings together.We ardent intimate any more.He says he will always love me and i go crazy trying to figure out what i lack.
Moving on, I'm aware that I'm the person who is crazy to continue this.I don't understand why i can't walk away when he has said a hundred times he won't commit.No doubt he has impeccable manners and is kind ,considerate and charming.He is balanced ,earned his degrees from the finest places in the world ,a great son and brother and treats people well.He doesn't have a temper either and does not use foul language.I'm so afraid of being lonely and not finding a person to marry who would be like him or have similar qualities.I'm 34 , and attractive.I get plenty of male attention but I'm not looking for flings and fun.I know that he and i would have been great together, i don't understand why he doesn't want to give it a chance.I'm ready to move on but can't seem to see any men that i like or would want me as serious partner.(Small city and most people know each other)I've read up a lot on types of attachments and relationship advice but i have finally decided to write as i can't get out of my own web.Please answer asap.Thanks

ANSWER: Hell Feeha!

You didn't really ask me a question here, so I'm going to try to guess what it is that you want to know.

First of all, you're not going to change him. This is a dead-end for you. It's unfortunate that you work for him because as long as you're there, you'll never really let him go. Trying to find a job elsewhere should be a top priority.

As far as finding another guy, you've locked yourself into a tight little box here where you have no freedom to explore possibilities. You want someone exactly like him. In fact, that's obviously a mistake! In effect, you're insuring that you're always going to fail in any relationship you're in because any guy that is "exactly like him" is also someone that's going to string you along - just like him.

Stop this already! Stop looking for someone to just continue the same mistakes. You need someone different from him. You need to be open to the possibilities of meeting someone different. Until you do that, you're always going to be stuck right where you are now.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr.Dennis,
Is he stringing me along?Why would a guy who has so much going for him do that?He too is under pressure to settle down.Why would he waste time sticking with me?Aren't guys really direct and cut off completely when they aren't interested?
How should i reduce my insecurity and move on?You mentioned changing the job.What else?
Thanks for your answer.I need to read more from you.It's helpful and helps me see things clearly.

Answer
Hello again Feeha!

Absolutely he's stringing you along. He knows damn well what you want and he knows that he has total and completely control over you! He can make you stop dating other guys by dangling it in front of you. In fact, he can get anything he wants from you this way - and he does.

Worse, he has absolutely no motivation to change any of it. He doesn't love you and I don't care what he tells you. That's all part of the game. As long as he can make you think there might be a chance with him, you'll hang in there until you just can't take it any longer. Then, what does he lose when he loses you? Answer: not much because he hasn't invested very much!

This is about power - who has it and who wants it. He has all the power and all the control. It's really as simple as that. He's not "wasting time" sticking with you in the sense that you work for him. He's got you there producing and hoping for more.

I don't know what guys you're referring to. Yes, many guys are direct and specific, but they don't have to be if it works to their favor.

You can control your insecurity by believing in yourself and allowing yourself to take the small risks of looking for other jobs and other guys. The biggest problem here however is that you've worked so hard trying to insure that you can NOT do this. You only want a guy "just like him" and as I've already told you, that's a terrible idea. You need to broaden your horizons - and your options. You need to meet all sorts of guys that are different from him.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"