Expert: L.E. Coleman - 5/5/2010

Question
I have been divorced 13 years now. I just turned 50 and i cannot seem to find the man i want to marry. I have dated often. Had several relationships. But no one has been close to whom i would think i would want to marry.  I even fell in love (and he did too) with a gay (bisexual man ) last summer. I had known him 3 years prior. Honestly he is closest to what i desire in a man so far out of every man i dated.
I know you are supposed to be the person you want to attract. I think i am . I am accomplished in my career. Although i wanted to earn more money and perhaps i should have chosen a higher paying field . Ihave an M.S. degree though. I look great for my age . Although i did gain 30 pounds in the last 6 years/ So i am insecure at this heavy weight. However i increased my exercise and i am losing
Wonderful men are attracted to me all the time. Problem is they are either married or only seperated, or dating someone.
it is hard to meet anyone single at my age. Yet many women do meet men at this age but many dont.
I seem to keep meeting the ones who want affairs or just a casual relationship .I am shocked at all the offers i get for that . yet no man is willing to take me out and court me to get to know me? Can that happen still at 50? Honestly i am a little depressed at how often the other offers happen.

Answer
Hi Carolyn.

Having the right man show up in your life is not so much about finding him but more about ALLOWING him into your life. Finding him means you are generally putting forth some effort to draw him. And what usually happens when people try to force things to happen? Answer: they are usually met with resistance. Strength, in any form, always produce the opposite effect of what you want in your life so give up the notion of finding someone.  Your man is out there, but you don't have to find him. The two of you will be drawn to each other and you will not be able to control the how or when it will happen.
The second thing to remember is this: your emotions have a lot to do with what's been happening to you for the past thirteen years. If your emotions have been telling you that you NEED someone in your life rather than simply WANTING someone to spend your time with, genuine love will avoid you like you have the plague. The notion of NEEDING can happen because the older we get we tend to think time is running out on us to have a happy relationship. I know how this can feel--I'm 52, myself, so I'm not blowing you smoke. I'm serious about all this.  But the bottom line is this: you will always attract men who will match your inner emotional vibration.  If you keep meeting men who are unavailable, men who only want affairs or a casual relationship, what does that tell you about your inner emotional state? Answer: It's telling you that you're being to casual about taking care of yourself and the way you feel.  Having money and a degree is okay, but it has absolutely nothing to do with what you really want.  I'd be willing to bet that if you had a man who was a hard worker, a man with a simple job who was willing to shower you with his love and affection, you'd take him in a heartbeat. I say all this to get you to think about what you really want.  You want A GENUINE LOVING RELATIONSHIP, and there's nothing wrong with it.  However, a woman who has some self esteem issues needs to take care of herself so her man doesn't have to feel that he has to fix her or keep her inflated in some way.  I say this because you say you look great but you interject a 'but' in there when you begin to talk about your weight.  How can a insecure woman attract a secure and loving man? Do you think wonderful men are looking for insecure women. Of course not!  But men who only want affairs or casual relationships do.  Get the picture.  See yourself as being emotionally healthy no matter what your mind tries to tell and things will begin to fall into place.  That is to say, take care of yourself first. There's not going to be anybody who will ever love you like you do. You're only depressed because you feel that you've been working yourself to a frazzle trying to find the 'right one.'  Your frustration has turned to depression because of effort that hasn't brought you the results you want.  I hope you can see that you've been emotionally separated from your desire. Having this knowledge you can now go forward with loving you. Having a man show up in your life to love you like no other is the next logical step in the process.

Have a wonderful, wonderful day, my sister.

LC