Expert: L.E. Coleman - 6/1/2010

Question
I'm 20 years old, and only had one serious boyfriend. Recently I've developed a crush on a guy who I had known from middle school. We meet back up through facebook. And we've talked well when I say talk I mean text (since that seems to be the new trend). But I'm just at a lost. I often contemplate on if I should or should not text him in hope that he may text me. I want to attract this guy because I really want to get to know him better. I live in a small world of my own...and I want him to be in it. I really want to impress this guy. He told he had a crush on me back in middle school, but this isn't middle school anymore, and we are both different from the kind of people we were then. However alot of things come into play though. the one big factor is race. He is white, and I'm black. Even though he had randomly told me he likes black girls, I still feel a little wierd I suppose. Not that I have a problem with wanting to date people from a different race (Im very open to it) its just wondering how he feels towards it. I've also notice That on his facebook he only has two black girls on his facebook as friends, me and some other chick. So that kind of have me a little worried, but I can't figure out why. A second factor is he has a pretty active sexual life. I want to attract him in a way that isn't sexual. I also want to stand out from other girls, that he may typically be around or my typically have sex with (but I don't know what kind of girls he hang with) because I want to get to know him on a different level than sex. He did mention to me he was looking for a relationship. But since finding each other on facebook we have not hung out yet in person. He mentioned it once, and I have mentioned it a few days ago vaguely when I told him I was eating at chilis and I said that me and him should go to chilis when I get some money. But I don't know the first steps to trying to attract a guy. so what should I do?

Answer
Hi Michelle.

Let's talk a little about the 'Law of Attraction' first. It's called the law of attraction for a very good reason: like attracts like. People used to say the opposites attracts each other but this is not so. What this means is this: the men who will come into your life will only be those who match your inner emotional vibration. This means that you never have to worry about 'getting' anyone. It doesn't work that way. Your potential boyfriends will always be 'drawn' to you without you doing anything. Trying to get or attract this guy simply won't work.

You've got several things going on which are red flags and they give you signals that this is a relationship you shouldn't pursue. This might not be what you want to hear but you can save yourself a lot of heartache by just sitting back and letting the right man come to you.

The fact is you have a lot of fear working in you right now. You think you have to do something to impress this guy so you two will be able to hook up. This means that you are willing to step outside your normal behavior to get him. You're afraid that you need to do something extra to make him notice you.  This is not attracting, this is trying.  

Secondly, deep down you're worried about the race thing. You're afraid that he might not be attracted to a black woman. Again, fear is operating in you. This is not good.  When people are afraid of things they usually draw into their lives the very things they are afraid of. If I were you I'd go to work on myself first without ever worrying about getting a boyfriend.  Why?  Because no man wants an insecure woman.  Real men don't won't women they have to worry about.

I guess the real tell-tale sign that this is not a good move for you is that you're afraid to tell this guy what you really want. If you're honest with yourself, you're afraid you'll be rejected if you just come out and say something like,

" listen, it's been a long time since middle school and I'd like to get to know you better. Are you seriously dating anyone? I'd like to see if we might have a connection. I know you said you were looking for a relationship--so am I. Does the fact that I'm black and you're white bother you? If so, it's cool. We can still be friends. Right now I'm just interested in a relationship and nothing sexual--at least, not yet.  How do you feel about that?  Contact me if you're interested."

Michelle, there's no substitute for confidence and a healthy self-esteem. When you take care of your own personal issues and begin to feel that any guy in the world would be lucky to have a woman like you, you'll begin to attract men of like mind without even trying to.  If you don't want to wait that long, why not lay all your cards on the table?  If he runs for the hills its okay. You never had him to begin with, so you've lost nothing.