Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/10/2010

Question
Hi, my name is Brianna I'm 30 years old and I started dating after being single for 2 years about 5 months ago. I have 2 kids part time, and I'm in school. I live with my step father right now while I'm in school and I also am a caretaker of sorts for him because of his health issues. I'm a little overweight but I'm pretty. I realize I'm not in the best position to attract a boyfriend but, everyone has their own unique circumstances and situations, and anyone that I would be interested in would be understanding of this.

I have depression and anxiety but I see a therapist and take medication. I also have social anxiety, and self esteem/confidence issues. This makes it very hard for me to meet people in general, much less date. I've had very bad luck too in relationships in general, friendships, dating etc.. people seem to just disappear or lose interest. I've become a little cynical about it but I'm a bit of an idealist so hope springs eternal. I'm am upfront and honest but I'm also very private in a way, I don't want to get my feelings out there and get hurt. I think with everything I've mentioned it just scares people off and they don't want to put the effort into getting through the insecurities, the emotional distancing, probing to find out more about me, dealing with my circumstances, etc. To be honest I'm really depressed and sad about the whole thing. I was in a long relationship before I became single and I know I can love, and deeply. When people see a nervous nellie who is insecure, has a hard time really letting people in, etc.. most people are deterred by that. I want to change and I am working towards it but this is something that is going to take a lot of time, I have no idea how long honestly and I am very lonely and sad, and desperately in need of a close connection. I'm also not getting any younger and want to enjoy my "younger" years in a great, active, loving relationship (I do like to get out and do things, just more on a 1:1 basis, I don't like crowds). I don't know that I'll ever be the bubbly, carefree, glowing charismatic person who walks in and lights up the room, I probably won't be! I'm not a social person so, meeting someone in a social setting might not be the best idea. I've tried online dating but I've had bad luck there. I'm just a mess and I'm hoping you could help me because I'm so lonely and sad and just want to throw my hands up and give up, but.. hope springs eternal.

Answer
Briana,

I know you're probably lonely. Even though it's been a lot of time, I think you should take care of yourself right now until the depression is worked out. The meds and therapy should work to make you well again even if you have to take meds the rest of your life. They've done great things with medication. Maybe you need to do other things to relieve your stress, such as exercise - join a biking group or watch some uplifting exercising program on TV or something. Try to get enough sleep. All the things to help lower your stress and relieve your depression.

It's true that a potential mate will probably not want to hear about your problems. A church, temple, or similar organization with a small group ministry or women's circle (if you're not "religious", try Unitarian Universalists) is the place for you to share your problems, not a new potential mate. When you feel better about yourself, you'll be able to relate to a potential mate in a healthier way.

You don't need to be bubbly, just get to the point where you feel more confident about yourself and it will be easier to be friendly and sociable. If you can't solve your problems and make yourself happy, a man can't either - you shouldn't expect a man to do that for you. You need to be a strong, confident person on your own. You can do it with help from others and who knows, in the mean time, you might meet someone. But if not, when you're healthier, you'll be in a better place to meet someone then.

Good luck!

- Joyce