Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/2/2010

Question
I met him two years ago and he is the man of my dreams. I love him for who he is and we have a wonderful friendship and connection. I can get any man that I want and he can get any woman he want and we been seeing each other since. He is the first man that I actually want to settle down with and commit and no one else. I won't be ready for another few years. He is the type of man that does not express his feelings...hardly at all. He refuses to let me go. I did everything I could to scare this man away but he is here the other men were so easy to scare off. We have this unbreakable bond. It took me a year and three months to open up. When I told him he was thrilled that I had feelings for him but wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship right now and has a lot going on in his life. In Jan we had a big fight and he went berserk and flipped when we were on the phone. I wanted more than what we had...I was tired of the casual relationship that we were having. I told him that the ball is in his court and when he is ready to give me the things that I want then he can call me. He says ok ok I will do that but I need time. Give me more time. I did give him more time. Things improved slowly. In March I had a small minor operation and he was there for me all day and he picked me up from the hospital. He says to me I do want to be with you and that I care a lot about you. I want to be there for your rough times. He has been and that is so wonderful about him. :) I guess that speaks volumes. He is spontaneous and I am more planned so it is hard for him to plan things with me. He was ready to introduce me to his best friend over dinner but i missed the opportunity. :( I felt great that things were progressing! In May we started communicating more since I told him that I loved him. I know I know I never say the word...ever! He was so happy and he looked into my eyes and he says Me too. He says he cares about me and says he loves everything about the woman that he loves. He says he will never lose me. He won't let himself lose me and he will make sure of that. He is putting work and his friends first and he doesn't want a commitment right now and has a lot going on in his life and been behind on rent. He is real estate agent in Manhattan. Struggle and we met right before the economy crashed in 08. I am not asking for a commitment...I am asking to take it to the next level and I made a mistake that I pushed him and he panicked and this was last night. His family lives in a different country. His last relationship ended in April 2008 and it did not end so well by what he said but since then he did not want to be in a relationship. I also forgot to mentioned that a few months ago that he brought up the love talk, marriage and kid talk. He talks about his future with me. He really wants to get married and have kids but not financially independent. Asks me why I am not married and I should be married because I am young and beautiful. Also this guy is in his late 30s and I am in my mid 20s. So I have always dated older men. Maturity level. Anyway back to the marriage thing....he does want to get married but not now. He also mentions how much he loves my last name. Hmm...
So I feel vulnerable when he goes away for the weekend with his guy friends to party and have fun. So last night we had a big fight....I tried to talk to him but he just panicked and freaked out. He says "I don't ever want to get married and have kids. I don't need this and I don't have time for this!  I don't date and I don't do those things. I don't want that and I like having fun with friends from work. I hardly see my family and my childhood friends like once or twice a year. You want me to see me all the time and make a commitment and I can't do that!" I told him that I was not asking for a commitment that I wanted to do more things together and see each other more. I am not really asking for anything much and he has been showing me but never really happened. So I got impatient and excited. We hung up on each other and then he calls me back. Things were calmer but we tried to talk about it more. He explained to me a lil bit more about his past relationship. He was upset and that he wasn't able to sleep and he was going to go to a bar instead. But he calls me instead of going to a bar. So I guess it does bug him when he keeps saying I don't care! Sure he cares. He says we both want different things and gawd we said so much. He then says well when I am ready to get married I will let you know. Then he jokes about it. He says so where do you want to get married? In Manhattan or California? I was like umm....ok. He made some jokes to loosen the tension and he did. I asked who would I get married to and he was like..umm one of your future boyfriends or something. I asked him if he can't be my man then have him find me one just to see how he reacted. He was like I could look around for you and made some jokes. This man is confusing...he knows I love him and he cares about me obviously. He can get any girl he wants. Girls flaunt for this man. I am flattered that he kept me around for this long. Then we ended the conversation and it was fine. The next day I text him saying we should just leave things where we are. For me to move on and look for someone but it will take time. Then a friend made me call him and try to touch his heart by saying I wanted to let you know that I love you and then hang up the phone. I did and he picked up the phone and he said hey whats up!? I said what she told me and I knew how he would react. He giggles and says you are something else. Why do you want me? You deserve better than me. I am no good. I don't want to waste your time and he giggles and he was sweet about it. I then said I know but I wanted to let you know that. He giggles and he seemed happy and he says ok sweetie. You have a nice weekend. That was it. I wished I didn't tell him those things and leave it to a rest but I guess somehow it did touched his heart. This man never expresses his feelings and he hides them. I have to fight him to get them out of them and slowly a little bit. I know we went through these couple of dramatic fights and things we fine after a while. In Dec 08 he has told me that he didn't deserve me and I deserved better. Then we continued to see each other two years.
What do you think? I think he does have feelings for me but he won't admit it and he is scared and never really been in a serious relationship. Scared. He can do the friendship thing and is wonderful. He is so kind and sweet but he isn't perfect. I know I deserve better and he can't offer me everything. What do you think? This relationship is so similar to Mr.Big's and Carrie's relationship...so similar! The only difference is that Michael is not loaded like he is, and we don't go out as much as they did. But so similar!

Answer
Hello Alison!

Holy crap Alison! Did you just spew out an entire stream-of-consciousness here - all over me??? What's the damn point? I'm only through the first looooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggggg paragraph!!!!!!!!!!! Do you think I really need to know he "...loves your last name..."???

NO WONDER this guy won't "commit" to you! If this is what you do to a total stranger, I can imagine what you must do to him! No wonder he needs time and distance!

Let me guess...is this a long-distance relationship? I'll bet it is! Further, I'll bet you met on the internet, right?

Alison, if either of these things are true, you've got so many huge problems here that nobody - including me - can solve them.

This guy won't "commit" to you. He's already told you that. He (and I!) just can't take all this drama! In fact, no man I know can.

So, what do you want me to do for you?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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