Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/31/2010

Question
Hello Joyce,
I really hope you can help me. 2 years ago I was dating my Ex boyfriend Rob. Rob and I met at work. He was 35 I was 31. Rob had been divorced about 7 or 8 years before  him and I started dating and he has a daughter from his ex wife. His wife left him for one of his good friends and this devastated him, and because of it I think he was scared to be in a relationship. We dated for about 10 months and it was truly the best 10 months of my life. I fell deeply in love with Rob and was pretty sure he was feeling the same thing. I have never felt for any man the way I felt for him. One night we got into a "discussion" about the fact that I wanted to see him more often. Our jobs were demanding and sometimes we would only see each other 1 a week. After we hung up that night, I did not hear from again until 2 weeks later. He then told me he felt too pressured and couldn't be in the realtionship anymore. Clearly I was devastated, I cried for days. It has been a year and a half now. Because we work together, we still see each other from time to time at work and have mutual friends. (We work for the same compnay but different office locations so we do not interact every day). One night a bunch of work associates all went out for drinks and he was there. (I honestly did not know he would be or expected him to be). We ended up talking that night. He told me he missed me, that he wanted us to get together for dinner. We were dancing with each other, flirting etc. At the end of the night he asked me to stay when everyone else was leaving. I said I couldn't, he asked me to at least have one more drink with him, so I did. We kissed on the cheek goodnight. He said he would call me, and gave me his new phone number. He never called, I never called him. If the "problem" was that I was pushing him too much (as he said it was) I didn't want to push him more and call him. Yesterday, I was talking to a mutual friend of ours who told me that Rob said to them that the reason he broke up with me was that he was starting to care about me too much and that he doesn't want to care about someone that much. So he felt like he had to brake up. I am so confused. It's been almost 2 years and I still miss him as much as I did then. There is nothing more I want then to be with him. I have dated other guys since Rob and I find I always compare the feelings I had with Rob to other men and it just doesn't come close. I feel like we belong together and I just don't know what to do.

Answer
Erica,

He has a problem with fear of commitment, probably because of his last last relationship but maybe there's more you don't know about. My advice is to communicate with him about wanting to talk to him - maybe send him a note card with a message "Can we talk?" Hopefully he'll get in touch with you and you can get together.

Then tell him that you're not his previous wife and if you know what she was like and what characteristics that she had that might have gone along with cheating on him and how you are different - point that out to him. How you would never do that to him and how he should be able to realize that due to certain characteristics you have that are different. Maybe you can give him some examples of how you behaved differently from her. Some reassurance that he wouldn't be hurt like that again could help him get over that fear. If just talking to him doesn't do it, you can tell him you care about him and it would be a shame for him to live life alone, but if he can't trust that you'd be good together, then he needs to work out his problem and that you hope he'll come to you when he's gotten over his previous wife.

But you and he shouldn't expect that you'll wait forever for him. You need to have a life. You could meet someone else. I hope it works out for you and Rob, but if not, you should move on in time. There are other guys and you can find someone else who will work for you. One reason you haven't had the same feelings with another guy yet is that you haven't given up on the possibility of a relationship with Rob. If you try one more time, maybe you can determine if you'll ever have a chance with him. If you see you don't, then maybe you'll be more open to another man. The feelings won't be exactly the same, but if you want a lifelong relationship with someone, you need to do the best you can to give up on a dream that is unrealistic and really give another relationship a chance.

Good luck!

- Joyce