Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/23/2010

Question
Hi there,
Wondering if you might be able to help...been feeling a little frustrated with the dating scene lately (mainly doing it online and not meeting great guys) and I am trying to be open and positive but feeling a little blocked and jaded. Any tips on how I can keep a more positive perspective or maybe I should just take a break from the online scene for now? Any tips would be great! :)

Answer
Hello Samantha!

First of all, how else can you feel about the online thing other than blocked? How else can things wind up other than you feeling jaded?

Trying to find someone online is fraught with problems. I constantly tell guys AND girls to avoid this, but the reality is, people are lazy as hell. It's far better (and frankly, MUCH easier) to meet people in real life, but people ignore that education thinking that they'll meet the man (or woman) of their dreams online.

Consider just a few facts:

* As a woman, you are likely to get hundreds if not thousands of responses. Of these at least 20% are of idiots sending you pictures of their junk. Of the remaining, there might be a handful of gems in there, but they are totally clouded by the avalanche of jackass that are screaming for attention. You; of course, only listen to the ones that are screaming or that just happen to hit a few key points - entirely by accident.

* Your expectations are far, far higher than is reasonable. You're expecting to meet the man of your dreams online and if one of these guys makes even the smallest mistake (and what that "right" is happens to exist only in your mind - and he can't possibly read it) you brush him off.

* You are far, FAR more likely to play these guys TRYING to get them to screw up - which they will! Then, you can blame them for not being the man of your dreams.

* As soon as you get focused on one guy, rather than giving him a chance to prove some worth to you, you instantly get distracted by the next contestant that is screaming for your attention.

* Because of the sheer volume of potentials, you are doing absolutely nothing on your side to become the woman of these guy's dreams! Thus, even if you were to find someone incredible, he'd soon start to question just how hard you made him work against your real value. In effect, you're shooting yourself in the foot making him jump through hoops.

* Back to the games: because the internet is a huge filter, your subconscious mind doesn't view these guys are "real". They are simply the sum-total of their messages. This carries right into when you meet them! Since they aren't real, your mind has no problem just brushing them off (and they, you!). You'd never treat someone you met in person this way - trust me!

* After going through possibly weeks or months of email and phone connections with any particular guy before you even meet in person, you've built up a huge expectation of the guy in your mind. After all, all you've gotten was his best and nothing of reality. How in the hell could he ever live up to all of that? Thus, as soon as you meet him, you're already disappointed.

Samantha, I could go on and on about all of this. A real relationship is by far more difficult to form from an online meeting. Even if you do start dating, they are far, far more difficult to keep going and when they end, they end far worse than even some guy you were to meet in a bar!

Add to this the much greater ease there is to meet someone long-distance which has all of it's own separate problems - and disasters.

After reading all of this (and again, this is only the surface) are you still sure you want to continue trying to meet Mr. Right online?

If you really are convinced you're going to meet someone that way and still want the tips to help you write back and let me know. Keep in mind that you're only going to increase your chances by 5-10% at most with this, but; even though it's a waste of both our time (far more mine than yours!) I'll help you if you're still interested.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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