Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/15/2010

Question
Hi. There's this man that I am absolutely in love with. No doubt in my mind. Only problem is, I do not know if he is love with me. I try to read his body language but he is very hard to read and I think due to the circumstances, he HAS to hide everything. I caught him staring at me a few months ago from across a room when everyone left and it was only he and I in the room but I was too scared to look at him. I saw him staring at the corner of my eyes. He gives me very "suggestive" looks and he treats me very special....more than he actually should. When I confronted him with this and brought it to his attention, he denied it all. Of course, it was all done through text messaging on our phones so he may have been afraid that I would use it against him and possibly show it wife or my husband. Yes, we are both married. I know it's wrong, but I would like to know how do I find out for sure how he really feels about me. Asking him is out of the question but is there some way I can show him other than coming onto him. Should I look at him a certain way, or be extra flirty with him?  

Answer
Hello Meghann!

You're hoping to use far-too-subtle signals to gain an absolute answer. The problem here is that guys simply aren't this subtle and he's very unlikely to respond to them. If you're really looking for something more clear, you're going to have to be more overt about things.

You've approached him on this already and he denied it, but I'll bet that you simply asked, "Are you staring at me?" or something else non-specific to what you wanted to know. This is the problem!

Unless you give him clear "buying signals" he's not going to pick it up - or potentially risk his marriage, work, lifestyle, etc.

With that said, let's talk about what DOES work. First of all, if you get the sense he's looking at you, you absolutely have to acknowledge that by looking at him too - and holding the gaze for a moment, smiling and then looking down and away. This is a subtle acknowledgement.

When you're around him, you need to touch him. For instance, putting your hand on his arm and being close enough to actually brush up against him. You should also make opportunities to be close - and alone - with him as well. For example, (and I'm assuming you work together) winding up in a secluded copier room or on an elevator are good examples.

As to approaching him - why can't you do this? What's wrong with asking him to have lunch with you for example? If you have some work-related issues you can even meet over a drink to discuss them.

Meghann, you absolutely have to get this off of texting and into real life. Texting is a great way to kill off everything! It gets frustrating and confusing very quickly. If anything might happen, it's only going to happen directly - not through a filter like the phone or even a computer.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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