Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/13/2010

Question
I have always been a shy girl and admittedly very self conscious of the way I look. There have been so many times when I've really liked a guy but I never had the courage to talk to him for the fear of rejection. I am quite tall..6'2 and full figured. I guess what I'm asking is, as a general rule..are looks the most important factors for men when it comes to women? Generally what do men (in their mid to late 20's) place the most importance on?  

Answer
Hello Marie!

Here's the problem with this question: it makes assumptions about things in a black/white way. The reality is this: yes, looks are the most important factor INITIALLY. But after things get moving, the importance of looks fade and are replaced by other more important things.

I get letters from women every time some celebrity is caught cheating on his incredibly-hot spouse or girlfriend. The net effect of these letters are, "Well, if *SHE* can't keep a guy, then what chance to *I* have?"

The answer is - an excellent chance.

Marie, the problem here is that women often see men as incredibly one-dimensional. They ask the question you asked here and assume that if they aren't model-hot, they just have to be lucky. That's not the way it is.

Men; even in their 20's, want more than simply looks. Yes, looks get you in the door and you definitely want to maximize your assets. (Being tall is certainly one of them!) but after you're in the door, what then? You need real skills in all aspects of your relationship to keep the guy.

As to being afraid of rejection, while I understand it, you need to see that you don't have the right to make that sort of decision for guys. Just because *you* don't know what the guy is attracted to doesn't mean you get to decide for him! Your job should be to give him the opportunity and see where it goes.

The reality is this: there aren't many people that will actually reject you outright. Thus, that fear isn't rational. You have to step up and take your chances just like everyone else, however, the risks involved are absolutely minimal.

Refine your assets, work your strengths and simply give the guys you like the choice - and chance.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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