Expert: Rhapsody Love - 9/11/2010

Question
Hi Joyce

I have a question about a man backing away because he is scared of what he feels, how to help him get over it and back with me.

I met a man on a summer vacation and it was agreed that it was to be casual. I was with him for two weeks and we are a perfect match. He had just gone through a divorce 3 months earlier and said he had not expected to like me as much as he did. I went home and he kept up the contact for several months. I had decided to move to where I vacationed (not because of him but he was a perk) and returned 2 months later for a job interview. He was to be out of town for the 1st week due to a work assignment and invited me to meet him at his hotel and stay with him along with his co-worker's/friends for the week. Unfortunately I couldn't make it because of my interview so he came home early. He made it very clear he wanted to be with me before my plane even landed.  

We had a wonderful two weeks and then the turning point was 2 days before I was to leave again. We had spent a romantic quiet evening together and I asked him how he felt about me moving into the same town in 20 days. His entire demeanor changed, he got angry, and he said he didn't care what I was doing because he wasn't looking for a girlfriend and I wasn't moving because of him. He was visibly upset for several hours and I chose to leave since neither of us were getting any sleep. I saw him briefly the night before I was to leave town, he was quiet, withdrawn, and wouldn't say goodbye to me. It was almost as if he was bummed I was leaving. I emailed him asking why and he listed a bunch of insignificant reasons we couldn't be together.... that I don't where my seat belt all the time when I drive, that I don't wear a helmet when I ski..... etc. When I got here, several people said things to him that I didn't say in the context it was repeated and it all blew up into a mess. We stopped talking after that.

It has been 2 years and we have both been dating other people yet neither of us have found a keeper. We are just now starting to talk when we see each other but it is still uncomfortable. I know we were and could be so incredible together. I also know he was falling in love with me based on what he said and did when we were together. Now we are both miserable and alone.
I am still in love with him and get the feeling there is still something there for him but I am scary. Is there a way to repair our relationship and break through his fear of commitment? Any advice would be greatly appreciated at this point.

Thank you for your help!
Erica

Answer
Erica,

I don't think you should consider those little things he listed as insignificant. Small things can be important in a relationship and sometimes we have to compromise. I don't know how you can get together with him and tell him that you care about him so much that you'd be willing to change for him.

Would you be willing to change? Wearing a helmet means a better chance that he won't lose you. Yes, he's scared, but you could make him less scared if you could really have a meaningful talk with him where you could both talk and both really listen.

You wouldn't have to totally change, because he apparently loves you, so all you would have to do is change enough to lessen his fears. And maybe you want the same from him, too? Honest conversation is very important.

Start with telling him you miss him and that you want to share stories about your life or ask him if he'd like to be casual with you again. Then take it from there. Remember, you can't change him - you can just hope to understand him and communicate in a way that he can understand you, which might take time or might not happen if he doesn't want it, and only then can you work it out.

Good luck! I hope it goes well.

- Joyce