Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/10/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Dennis W. Neder,
I read about you and I am interested in hearing your opinion on my situation.
I am Stella 18 years old from Greece.I just got into the university and studying psychology.I met a really special guy who is into Law studies.He is 21 years old.We didn't had the chance to talk just the two of us yet.We have only 'till now chatted while eating at the same place with common friends.I found his blog(personal web page) on the net and thought it was excellent.He is writing all about topics that interest me and I also found his way of thinking really balanced and open-minded,which I admire and I find it really hard to find.Since we are not in the same university and it happens not meeting each other very often I decided to send him an e-mail and ask him something on his blog-which I accidentally found.By then,I didn't know he was into a relationship.He answered to my e-mail and I liked so much his way of answering me my question.All these days I am thinking about him so much.My mum tells me that when I see him I should go and tell him that it was me who sent that e-mail to him(I have explained to him who I am but she says it's a way in order to approach him).I was thinking about doing it when I learned that he has a girlfriend.I felt so disappointed.It was the first time that I liked one guy so much and since I was never into a serious relationship I thought I would really like him to be my first experience.But since he has a relationship it really gets complicated.Even if I have heard bad things about his gf like that she isn't much into him and she is not that pretty and...I know these thoughts are silly...they are not important if he is in love with her.
What should I do? Should I try meeting him further or not?Even if I try it..it's difficult cause I don't have a chance of seeing him often and for long.So I can't drag his attention.
I so believe that we would make a really nice couple.But he has to believe it too...I know my e-mail may sound kind of immature but these are my true feelings and thoughts.

Thank you so much for your attention and time
Stella

ANSWER: Hello Stella!

No, your email isn't immature at all. This is the sort of problem that everyone faces sometime in their lives. The good news is that there are real answers.

First of all, it's not your job to decide whom is a better girlfriend for him - you or his current girlfriend. That is HIS choice. Your job is to GIVE HIM the choice. If you don't, he may wind up with someone far less perfect for him than you.

Your mom is right. Approaching him and telling him that you were the person asking the question and explaining how much you appreciated his answer is a great way to break the ice. But, there has to be another step (at least!)

When you see him, just mention about your email and include that you'd very much enjoy asking him some more about the subject when he has some time. If he says he has time now, just say, "no, now's not good for me. Maybe we can meet for coffee one day over the next week or two". You'll probably have to say this in Greek however!  ;)

The point is to open the door to meet him - and just him - away from the friends. That's where you can work your magic on him.

If he brings up the girlfriend just say, "Oh, that's not a problem" and go right back to setting up the date. He doesn't have to know why it's not a problem! However, he's not going to turn down the chance to spend some time with a pretty, fun girl!

Go for it Stella!! You can do this!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello doc.Dennis
I hope you are alright.I appreciated so much your answer.
I have one last question though....
Let's say I get to say to him 'hello,I'm Stella the girl that sent you that e-mail...' but I don't get to ask him to go out for a coffee because we are in front of many friends...
could I ask him sth like this through an e-mail?or would it be weird?

Answer
Hello again Stella!

It's a little different for men and women. I'd never advise a man to ask a woman out via email, but it's not as big a deal with women asking men.

It's better to do it in person however. That should be your first choice.

Good luck!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"