Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/3/2011

Question
Hello,

Where can I find a financially stable committed guy? I live in NY and I'm 28 years old. My love life completely stinks.  I have always had my heart broken.  I've always dated guys who were either commitment phobes, played games, liedu or weren't well established.  And it really upsets me bc I feel like noone cared about me.

Thanks.

Answer
Hello Antoinette!

Here on the "left coast", there's a woman that gives a seminar, "How to Marry a Millionaire". As you might imagine, it's a very popular seminar.

She opens it by asking, "How many of you want to marry a millionaire?" Of course, every hand in the room goes up. Then, she asks, "Ok, these guys are in the top 1% of earners in the US, so, how many of YOU are in the top 1% of the population in looks, ability, career or in some other area?" Of course, all but exceedingly few hands stay up.

Therein lies your answer.

There absolutely are financially stable guys out there. The problem is that the ones you're finding are commitment phobic. That's not about the guys however. It's entirely about you.

Antoinette, consider this:

To you, a "commitment" means many positive things (which is why you want it): security, love, future, family, status, success, etc., etc. No shock there, right? However, to your "target market", commitment means something very, very different. It means loss of freedom, loss of choice, stress, responsibility, and many negative things. If you're looking for some guy that doesn't feel this way, forget it. We all do. That's a fact you're going to have to live with.

However, it's also the answer to your problem and why YOU are the issue here - NOT the guys you're dating.

The fact is, you're not giving these guys a reason to exchange their fears for what you have to offer!

Think about that fact for a minute. If you were everything these guys could want; if you gave them everything they needed, do you think for a minute that they'd be "commitment phobic"? Of course not! They'd be trying to slap a commitment on you so fast it'd make your head spin!

Therein lies the sum of the problem I'm seeing with women today (yes, you included); most of you have a sense of entitlement with relationships. You think you just "deserve" without having to invest much of anything. You do dumb things like play hard-to-get (which is an instant warning flag to us guys that you're a game player and that you'll never be able to live up to what you think you're promising) or you don't invest in your relationships with guys, expecting them to do all the investing, or you don't expand your skills (in bed and elsewhere), etc.

You just think you "deserve".

We guys "see through" all these games and misdirection right into the relationship and marriage. We know that if you do these dumb things when you're trying to win our hearts, that you'll do them even harder once WE'VE made promises to you. It's those very promises that will come back to bite us on the ass later on. Thus, we're VERY hesitant to make them to you!

Antoinette, that is the single most important thing that any woman can do for herself if she wants to be successful in dating, love and relationships. Get your head out of the entitlement zone and start getting into the investment zone. You need to learn how to discover what the men you're interested in want and need, then discover how to become the woman that can deliver it and most important, become her.

As soon as you can do that, and express it to these guys, you're entire dating experience is going to be very different. Until then, we'll you already know what to expect.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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