Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/15/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

First of all, I totally appreciate your occasionally brutal honesty. Few people are brave enough to dish it, and more won't take it because they're too busy in denial. Slap me as hard as you need.. it's the best way to learn.


Some stats:

21 years old, college female, attractive, petite, semi-athletic, intelligent, somewhat eccentric (crayola-colored hair but nothing mush else too un-traditional), "surfer/skater/stoner girl"-esque style

2 official boyfriends, one I semi-dated (more like a fwb), been on random dates with a few guys but it led to nothing... ie I wasn't attracted after we met. i've liked many guys but it was either a silly short-term lust crush or after a while the guy lost appeal.

Both of my relationships were rough, and lengthy (2-3+ years). One boyfriend I cut all contact off with. The second and I are still close, but strictly as friends, and it's well grounded and agreed upon by both of us that it's a bad idea if we ever dated again.


So my dilemma is... it's been awhile since I had "someone" and, I just want to find a relationship to be in again. It's a nice thing. Trouble is, I just can't find my guy. Yeah, I think my standards are kind of high. But, I'm a high-standard kind of person... I like honesty and seeing things done right and I'm pretty motivated about my career. I don't have any sticks up my ass though, I'm laid back and low-maintenance as far as needing material things to keep me happy.

I either meet a guy and think it's going somewhere, then we get closer and something turns me off... or I talk to a guy I've never met or really hung out with, and think it could lead somewhere... and then we hang out and it's a turn off..

And then I meet guys that are attractive and nice and it seems they think I'm attractive or nice and I don't take advantage of opportunity to move it past a friendship level.

I don't know whether it's me just being a slacker or what... because I do flirt back with guys all the time. I just won't take initiative if a guy won't first. I'm a pretty passive person but I'm decent at faking being a decision maker. I still know in myself I'm not though.

I know no one "needs" a significant other to be happy, but I also don't want to be that 35-year-old woman whose friends are all married and is still trucking around like she's always been.

Part of me is convinced it's just that I prefer more intelligent and mature guys, and that's hard to find in the college age group. But... I have no desire to date older men.

Should I up the game or do I really just have to wait it out?

ANSWER: Hello Natalie!

Oh, you poor, poor girl. NEVER offer me an open opportunity to be brutally honest! I'll just accept it and then what are you going to do???  ;)

There really at three problems here. Let's deal with each of them separately.

The first one is expectation verse reality.

It's actually pretty tragic for women these days. You are getting the same message from every corner: "you can have it all!" and somehow, if you don't, then somehow, you're a loser. Thus, women strive for things that they either can't really have, don't deserve or simply don't have the skills to create. This leads to a sense of entitlement. The reality is, you can't have it all. After all, where would you keep it?

Natalie, stop and answer this question: what do you have to offer your "perfect guy"? Specifically, what is it you bring to the table that is unique and special and worth fighting for to have? I'll bet you don't have a clear, specific answer to that question, do you?

Most women don't.

Instead, most women feel entitled to have everything they want (and often go about demanding it from the guys the date!) but return very, very little. They lack even basic skills; let alone ones that make them really excellent partners. You even see this in single's ads on the internet as a great example of this: women tell you what they've done, what they like, but absolutely nothing of what they bring to the table. Then, they go on to list what the guy better have, say and do and to piss off if he doesn't.

Now, add to that all the games that women are taught to play today. Some men (especially low-value men) will play these games but soon discover that the girl the "won" wasn't worth the effort in the first place.

These things combined (and a number of others) lead to this expectation verse reality issue. The expectation is that women expect to have what they want, but the reality turns out that they haven't done enough work on themselves to be worthy of getting it.

Here's one great example: a woman here in Los Angeles does a seminar on "How to Marry a Millionaire". (No, I'm not assuming that's your goal, I'm only using this as an example.)

She opens the seminar by asking, "How many of you want to marry someone that is in the top 1% of income brackets here in the US?" Of course, everyone raises their hands.

Then she asks, "Ok. How many of you are in the top 1% of your own 'target market' in age, looks, career or any other way?" Of course, all the hands go down.

Therein lies the first problem Natalie. I'm sure you're a great girl, but what do you bring to the table for this great guy you're seeking out? Do you even know what this guy wants or expects from you? Likely not. Very, very few women do. If this guy happens to be one of my students, trust me, he'll ask you that question point-blank and will expect a real answer.

The second problem is that you have no clear, specific, written goals.

You may be laid back, but I hope you have actual goals for your career - and that they are written and updated regularly. Yes, you're right. You don't need a man to be happy, but trust me, being single isn't the best way to happiness either. Being in a loving, caring, healthy, happy relationship with someone you love that loves you back is a great way to spend your days! When you get to the end of them, you're not going to wish you worked more; you're going to wish you loved more.

With that said, since you don't have these written goals for your love life, the very first guy that looks decent that walks by is the "right one". In fact, you don't really know who the right one for you is! You have some vague, nebulous ideas, but very little specific.

If you had these clear, specific goals, you could turn that into a plan of action to meet this guy. Then, you'd have a selection to work with and would much more likely find him. Right now, you have to try on every pair of shoes at the store just like a blind woman. You have no idea what "fits".

The third problem is that you lack skills; and by the way, so do most of the guys in your target market!

Yes, I understand that you want these guys to know how to move things forward and to be actively interested in you. The problem is today very few of these younger guys have any skills themselves. They mistake after mistake like trying to "hang out" when they should be dating; texting in place of building rapport and connection, etc. I'm trying to help them, but I'm only one guy. I can't reach every one of them, shake some sense into them and get this fixed. Thus, women have to take on much of this responsibility themselves.

What sort of skills do you need? There are actually quite a few, but at the very least you need approach and pick-up skills, you need skills to turn meetings into dates, dates into sex and sex into relationships. You need to have solid relationship management skills, communication skills and you absolutely need to have excellent sexual skills.

To this last point about sex: I actually had this very conversation with a girl I met last night in a club. The reality is that almost every woman believes she is skilled in bed. In fact, 89% of women claim to be "good in bed". Interestingly, less than 20% actually are according to the guys! When I ask girls why they believe they're "good" the answer is always the same, "Well, I've never had any complaints".

Seriously??? That's the basis on which they believe this? Just who in the hell is going to complain when they're getting laid? Most guys are thrilled to get something. They're not going to complain and risk loosing it. Thus, that lack of complaint does NOT mean any woman has real skills or can keep a guy coming back.

You DO have one advantage: since your target market is younger, hopefully they won't have enough experience to know what "good" from "bad" really is. However, if you're looking for high-value targets, don't count on that to help you. Either way, you absolutely need to have real, solid, bankable skills.

Now, sexual skills aren't going to make a man fall in love with you, but what they do is to extend out the amount of time you have in order to make him fall in love with you. If you are clumsy or awkward or resistant or ignorant, he's not likely to hang around for very long and thus, you won't have the time you need to convert things along to where you want them to go.

Natalie, we've covered a lot of ground here. If you really take this to heart, you're going to find a ton of solutions in these words - and you didn't even got slapped!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey hey now just because I didn't write you all my goals doesn't mean they're not there...

So lets say I did take the time to write everything down and define it. What should the answers look like? I bring to the table... a sense of adventure, humor, passion, random bouts of singing, love for the environment. Or should I be listing.. no-fear public speaking, culinary skills, and handy with a hammer? I bring a lot of things... so what matters most? What do guys want and expect? Big picture or little details? Personality or personability?

No, I'm not sure what "fits," but I'm pretty sure of what doesn't fit. I'm also positive there's more than one type of person that will fit, and I know what traits I desire, so there's something going for me. I just.. can't find it. Or recognize it when I see it. Is that a matter of practice or place and time?

Also, out of curiosity, why do you place sex before relationships in the order of progression? Maybe you're just using vague definitions but, mostly every female I know would prefer some sort of relationship with a serious interest before getting too physical. No argument on its importance as a relationship adhesive, that's obvious enough. But a prerequisite? Sex creates love but love can create sex. I'm no celibate, but some people reading this might be. What's the option there?

So I can work on skills, but is that it? Where do I find the few young guys with skills too? What fits them?

Answer
Hey, hey YOU, Natalie!

According to your original post, I don't think you have the sort of goals you should have about the man you want to meet or the type of relationship you want. Goals are very clear, specific and have a timeframe for their accomplishment. Saying something like "I want a nice guy that is into children and has light-colored hair" is NOT a "goal". It's a wish. It's very likely to take at least a number of evenings to put together really well-crafted goals.

As to what you bring to the table, this isn't something you necessarily have to write down, but trust me, it definitely helps. Think about this: what makes you unique particularly as to what your target market wants? Being adventurous isn't "unique" by itself. Loving the environment isn't unique by itself. Further, why would either of these things relate to the guy(s) you want to meet?

Do you even know what these guys really want?

"Guys" in general aren't your "target market". You see, you don't have the time, money or energy to reach "all guys in the world". Instead, you need to narrow your focus substantially. What guys DO you want to meet? Where are they found? These are the sorts of questions you have to answer before getting into what you have to offer them.

Unfortunately, there's also a "gotcha" there. Some women narrow the focus so tightly that they never give themselves the opportunity to find someone they really want. Remember that millionaire story from before? That's a very difficult market to reach; let alone sell into. What about a guy that just has a job for which he has a passion? That's a better market in my humble.

As to the sex before a relationship thing; that's absolutely the right order. This is just one example of something you don't know about your target market.

Yes, I understand that you (as a woman) would prefer to be in a relationship with someone before getting to sex. However, that's the very best way to NEVER have a relationship. As you get older, you'll discover what I'm saying is 100% correct. It's sex before relationships in all but the rarest cases. Further, quite a lot of research (including my own) continues to show that most couples that stay together long-term tend to have sex very early on - often within the first 3 dates!

Natalie, I put a lot of emphasis on sex because it's just that important - and most women ignore it or demand that the world works in a different way than it really does. Let me explain...

Women generally want to use sex early on to bond and create intimacy with their partners. They often believe that holding things off as long as possible creates greater value for them within the eyes of their partners. There are tons of so-called "experts" out there; even our own friends and family, that claim this to be true. These people have absolutely no basis for this belief however but simply repeat it like a trained bird. They claim, "Well, everyone knows that!"

Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.

That's because men use sex (at least early on, and sometimes later on as well) very differently than you do. For us, sex gets us to the point where we can open up and connect with you emotionally - NOT before! That's probably the most important sentence I've written to you so far. You should go back and reread it a number of times until it really sinks in.

Let me put it another way: the exact thing you want from your relationship; that emotional bonding and connection will NEVER HAPPEN until AFTER you've had sex with a guy! Thus, you can want the relationship until the cows come home, but the very best you can ever have is lip-service (and frankly, many guys are excellent at giving this; knowing it might get them what they need to move forward) until after you've gotten the physical relationship started.

By the way, this isn't my rule. It was here way before I came along. Further, it's also true of 98% of all mammals that walk the earth - not just humans!

Here's another critical fact you need to understand: as soon as you meet a man, the clock starts ticking.

We guys have what I call a "window of opportunity" built right into us. There's a ton of science behind this I won't bore you with, but let me explain what this means.

During the time this window is open you can have access to our emotional sides; our "hearts", *IF* you can get the physical aspect out of the way before that window closes. If you can't, then what happens is that you lose that access - permanently. Sure, we'll still have sex with you, but you'll never again be able to reach our emotional beings. We don't even know if we want to be in a relationship with you until after all of this!

How many times have you heard your own girlfriends say, "Well, I held him off for 3 months and we finally had sex and now he won't call me?" Well, now you know why! That girl didn't understand what I just told you. She waited for his window to close, finally had sex with him (likely because he was losing interest) and then he realized he could never have what he wanted with her (an emotional connection - yes, us guy want that too, we just go about getting it differently) and decided to move on. She wants to blame the guy about "...only being interested in sex..." when in fact, SHE caused this to happen.

Thus, you can demand a relationship before having sex with a guy, but all you're doing is insuring you'll never have the relationship you want to deserve. This is a great example of what I was saying before about "knowing your target market".

Obviously, I don't recommend that a girl bang every guy she needs in order to see if she can have a relationship with him, but what I do want for women is to build up your own internal strength about your sexuality and emotionality. Learn to use these to your benefit - not against yourself. Pick the right guys first, discover if they match your goals, discover if there you have the chemistry you need to move forward and then do so; understanding that sex as it's own individual benefit is one of the steps along the way to where you want to go.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"