Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/26/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

My situation might seem a bit more unique and unusual from others, so if you are not well-trained in trauma and abuse please let me know upfront and I'll seek advice elsewhere.

I have a difficult time meeting and being approached by men, or the ones I do meet seem to take advantage of me for their own selfish benefit and eventually leave.

I'm not considered bad-looking, so that can't be entirely the problem, however I'm one of these individuals who have emerged from an incredibly abusive/traumatic childhood upbringing and am estranged from my parents/family, or lack of, as a result.  When the men learn about this they then apparently tune into my weaknesses and take advantage of me for money, sex, free rent, etc., or when the "good" men learn about my family problems and how deeply the prolonged abuse has wounded me, they harshly judge me for not wanting to "get over it" and eventually leave me to find a woman with a healthy, nurturing family, loving parents, beautiful childhood, strong social network, the resources and equipment to adjust to life as well as to live a prosperous life, and all the other things I never had---quite possibly because my situation is too scary for them.

This next part I'm addressing might sound irrelevent to my subject, but I also personally find it highly hypocritical and condescending of others to tell me that lonliness and desperation comes off as unattractive, when I would think that most people (especially from my background) seek to find a relationship and marriage for the reason that they ARE lonely and "desperate."  

I also find it strange that the people I see getting married are usually the ones who already have all of the blessings I've already listed, whereas people like me, who probably need and deserve the love more, must learn how to enjoy the fact that we may always be alone, or "love ourselves before anyone can love us," and all of the other b.s. cliches.

So I just wanted to ask you...what are your theories on issues this deep?  Is it at all possible for a woman like me to find a man who will love me for who I am and not for what I have?  Or will I just have to learn how to resort to acting fake and happy in order to attract more men?  

I look forward to hearing of your opinions.  ~  Diamond

ANSWER: Hello Diamond!

I am not a certified trauma counselor so if you're looking for professional help, you need to go elsewhere for it - and pay for it. With that said, I've dealt with many trauma victims with relationships issues as my primary practice. So, the choice of my help is up to you.

Thus, if you want me to read and respond to this letter, let me know - and be sure to copy the original so I'll have it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes, I am willing to hear of your opinions on my situation.

Thank you,

Diamond

ANSWER: Hello again Diamond!

Ok. With that said, I hope you're not simply wasting my time because it costs you nothing to get a free opinion.

I'm not going to answer your first question simply because my theories on this aren't really relevant to giving you help. I'm here to provide help, not discuss the merits of philosophies.

However, with that said...

I think you lack some basic education about men and perhaps people in general. That's actually really great news because all you need is to get that education (and of course, act on it) and much of these issues will go away for you. However, that predisposes that you actually WANT TO and are READY to solve these problems. Only you know the answer to that question.

Everyone has good and bad things happen to them. Your situation isn't the worst I've ever dealt with by quite a long margin, but what's important is that for you, it's 100% simply because it's personal. Thus, if you're looking to find a reason why my advice won't work for you because of your terrible experiences or background or any other excuse, you'll now also have to accept personal responsibility for it not being effective. Pretty evil of me, huh????   ;)

======

Whoops!!! I was just getting ready to really answer your question (you posted it twice) and then you "rated" my deletion of your SECOND MESSAGE!

You rude, arrogant bitch! How can you possibly have the gall to wonder why you can't have great things in your life when you do things like this? You CREATE exactly what you DESERVE.

Well, you've lost me and my help, but on the other hand, you just saved me a ton of time because this was going to be a very detailed answer.

Good luck...you're going to need it!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I believe you when you say that you are not a "certified trauma counselor" because you obviously know NOTHING about the afteraffects of trauma and abuse on relationships.  There are things that can happen in the dynamics of abuse (such as being molested, raped, almost murdered, etc.) that can scar people for a lifetime.  Anyone with real training in that area would understand that!  Don't you know that emotional problems like post-traumatic stress disorder and depression are "here and now" effects of a "then and there" cause?  Jerk!  You know absolutely nothing about me or what I have endured both as a child and as an adult and you NEVER will!  I already know about the "personal responsibility" I assume and I know that you think what I am about to say is unbelievable, but I AM taking responsibility!  I don't have total control over everything that's happened to me, and I don't deserve the way men have treated me.  I would not have written you otherwise.  You have NO right to judge me or my life!!!!!  

I bet you all the money in the world that the people you are mentioning were able to move on from their abusive experiences because they have had something to base themselves on to move on on.  I know that you think everything I'm saying is stupid, but there are many dynamics to abuse and some people have the resources and support to "just get over it already" and others do not.  Don't you think I'd move on if I could? If you have the nerve to judge what I've been through and rate it against what others have been through, then why don't you have the nerve to be in my shoes for even one day, SEE IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS!!!!!!  

After that, see if you would appreciate an "expert" such as yourself assuming God's omniscient vision and then judging, minimizing and trivializing YOUR situation!  I honestly think you're telling me to get over my "petty excuse" of a background because you care more about your feelings than you do mine.

Thank you, I don't want your "help."  You are absolutely despicable.  Please don't write me back anymore. ~ Diamond

Answer
Hey Diamond!

I'm not going to waste my time reading or answering anything here. You live in a world where "reality" and "fact" change based on your whims.

You need to seek professional help and do so right away.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"