Expert: Rhapsody Love - 2/20/2011

Question
There is this guy. He is in most of my university classes. I have been good friends with him for about six years now. We are both 21 (he is three months older then me) and we get along great. We talk with each other everyday, walk home together (he lives a few streets away from me), we talk with each other on the phone quite often, and meet up after uni every second day. He always chooses to hang out with me over other people, always defend me if someone says something behind my back, and he has taken injury so I don't have to a couple of times ( for example, someone got annoyed at uni and threw a brick at me because I was the closest person to them, and he jumped in front of it and broke his arm to protect me). I will also choose to hangout with him over others, and always get happy when I see him, and will help him with anything if he asks for it.

Recently, while we were hanging out, we were mucking around, it begun to rain. We began rushing home and after he playfully teased me, I light heatedly pushed him, not meaning to make him fall over, but because I swerved in his direction to push him, I got in his way and he fell into some mud. Luckily he just brushed this off and laughed, although he was covered in mud.

It stopped raining and we decided to go to the park we usually hang out at, although we decided to go back to his place first so he could change. When we got there, I waited in the living room and he told me he would be back in a few. I waited, and I was really angry. I was really angry at myself for pushing him into the mud. Then it dawned on me, I have strong feelings for him.

I then had to use the toilet, so I called out to him to ask him if I could. When he came out, he was in clean jeans, but he had no shirt on. Seeing this solidified in my mind that I wanted to be with him. I don't know weather he likes ME though, and I don't know how to ask him out. How should I go about approaching him about this, and making him like me back if he already doesn't. Im affraid of ruining our friendship, if I approach him wrong, or if it does not work out.

Answer
Maddison,

I know he "likes" you (and you do, too), because you wouldn't hang with someone like that if he didn't. What you want to know is how much does he like you and, possibly more important, what does he see for himself in the future. So ask him. You're close. I don't think he'll hold it against you.

Ask him what he sees for himself in the future. Does his vision work with yours? Is there marriage and a family in it? Is that what you want? Is there traveling in it? Is that what you want? If he says he doesn't know, you may have a clue based on his likes and dislikes and the courses he's taking. So ask him pointed questions, but in a casual way (don't seem like you're drilling him; just curious about what goes on in his head). Where might he want to live in the future? Would you be willing to leave family for him? What about what you're working for at uni? Could your goals for the future work anywhere? This conversation might be a little one day and a little another day and not all at once. He might get where you're coming from. He might be scared of commitment and that you might be asking if he'd change his goals for you. You need to be sensitive to how he answers your questions and try to go at a pace that seems comfortable to him. You also need to decide if he has lust for you, if you'll let him act on it and to what extent.

A lot of long-time marriages started with no dates at all. Dates are nice, though. The way I did it was I asked my male-friend-and-husband-to-be to a party I was going to. If it's an invitation to join you for something you were already planning to do, it doesn't sound like a date. It could end up being like a date, though.

It sounds like you've entered his heart, because he wouldn't act that way if he didn't care about you. If you take it too slow, he could become infatuated with someone else. If you take it too fast, he might be scared by the ideas of commitment and changing his dreams to suit you. It's a delicate balance, but don't let that scare you from taking steps, because he's been a gentleman with you and will probably continue to be so. You probably know him better than anyone and have a feeling about how best to approach him.

Good luck!

- Joyce