Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/2/2011

Question
I have a summer job that I just started this past summer. I met an amazing guy while working there, and we constantly flirted. It was obvious he liked me, and we even went on a date together.

After the summer ended, we kept in touch, but didn't ever see each other. Recently, we planned to meet, casually ( not a date or anything) and it went really well. I had actually forgotten how wildly into him I was. Again, there was constant flirting, and he even texted me the same day.

I'm not sure what to do now. He seems like he lacks the courage to 'make a move', but I don't want to initiate anything, for fear of scaring him off. How do I make him notice me, even though we don't often see each other?

Answer
Hello Michelle!

First of all, you need to know this: long-distance relationships ("LDR's") simply never work out. You've experienced just the very beginning of this, but it gets worse - far, far worse. Think about this: after only a few months even you forgot your interest in him! You don't connect that often and you can't be there for each other when important things happen in your lives - good or bad.

Then, it gets worse because the jealousy begins to set in. You begin worrying about who he's meeting and why he responded to your text message 3 minutes too late. You begin obsessing and fretting and accusing him of doing things.

But that's not all! Next, you completely ignore all the possible guys you COULD be dating right there in your own backyard! These great guys slip right through your fingers because you THINK you're in a "relationship" with someone when in fact, it's built entirely on fantasy and nothing more.

When that fantasy finally comes crashing down (which it always does) you're left jaded and untrusting. You blame him (and likely, all other men too) for a situation that simply could never work out anyway and it takes months or years to get over. That fantasy in your head is far too compelling, far too addicting and you continue to want to go back to it for another "fix" of the pain.

Of course, this guy doesn't meet up to that fantasy either, but you have no way of telling your brain otherwise since he's not there to really prove it to you. Thus, the fantasy begins to take over and not him or any other guy can ever match that.

Have I convinced you yet what a dumb idea this is? Well, the scenario I just described to you is a mere example of the letters I get everyday just like yours. The reality is far, far worse. Do you really want to go down that path? I'd hope not.

LDR's simply never work out. Enjoy the memories, but please, please stay right here with the rest of us in the real world. Ok?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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