Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/17/2011

Question
I am a 32 year old woman. I have dated very little in my life. Most of the sexual experience I have comes from drunken one night stands in my early twenties and those were few and far between. I have never had a true relationship with a man (I have had a few short-term relationships with women). I want to develop a real relationship with a man, not a one night stand. I want what every girl wants --love, marriage and family. Most men my age are already married and time is quickly running out for me to have children. I have many friends, but no one ever expresses any interest in dating me. I am shy and have a difficult time engaging people I don't know in conversation. It is difficult for me to come up with things to talk about when I'm with people I don't know well. I'm also overweight and not very attractive. I am working on losing weight (have lost 25 lbs), but I am not a pretty girl, and losing weight will not change that. Making things more difficult is the fact that I am now very religious and in my religion it is frowned upon to date outside the religion. In my religious organization single women outnumber single men four to one. The men have their pick of women...which doesn't bode well for the lesser attractive women in the group. I realize these are excuses, but I need help. Is it possible for someone like me to attract the attention of a good man? I really don't want to die alone. If you choose to answer this question, please respect my faith. Changing my religious affiliation is not an option.

Answer
Hello Katie!

I'll address your last point first.

If your faith harms you, I absolutely WILL NOT "respect it". Neither should you or any sane, rational person. That's not faith, it's blind ignorance and I absolutely will not tolerate ignorance when you walk away damaged because of it.

I don't care what your faith is; it's impossible for me to believe that any god would have created you with all the abilities, possibilities, needs and wants that you have only to then tell you that they are "evil" or "sins". That isn't a god that I'd ever respect; let alone worship.

In fact, these are not "god's laws"; they are man's. More specifically, they are designed to control and own you. They were invented by man to oppress other men (and women) and keep you coming back to "the faith", nothing more. Think about this: your emotionality and sexuality are the most powerful aspects of who and what you are. If your faith tells you to deny or ignore them, that is every bit of "sin" from those that impose it as well as those that follow it. If you can't see the maker's hand in giving you those incredibly powerful attributes, and man's hand in trying to own them just to control you, you don't have a clue about reality.

If you choose to ascribe to these ridiculous beliefs, then you can thank "god" for making you so dumb when you see him. I'm sure he'll give you an appropriate tongue-lashing for fighting to hard to remain so ignorant and ignoring his REAL signs - and proof that you were meant for more.

There. Have we put that stupidity to bed? If not, then simply stop reading here and just accept that your "god" must want you to be alone and lonely the rest of your life. I can't help you any further.

On the other hand, if you're ready to let go of that immaturity and to start seeing real possibilities and opportunities, then lets move forward.

First off, I'm very proud of you for losing the weight. It's not only that you'll look and feel better, it's that you're going to be more confident and will start believing in yourself. These are important features of anyone that is successful at love, sex (yes, SEX!) and relationships.

Here's the reality: your looks are your "dating currency". You need to learn to maximize them. You say you're "not very attractive". I can't believe that. I've known so many women that were far less than beauties that learn how to dress, apply their makeup, wear their hair, etc., that simply "transform" into someone else. Instead, you've never learned (or ignored) how to maximize the beauty you DO possess. Your female relationships didn't put much emphasis on this, but you and I know, your male relationships will.

This was very likely out of ridiculous expectations like telling yourself, "I just want someone to love ME FOR ME!" In other words, "I don't want to have to change or grow or become anything better - I just want what I want and for someone else to want that too."

Katie, that's absolutely a cop-out.

Dating, sex (yes, SEX AGAIN!) and relationships are all about sales. You have attributes that will make some man incredibly happy, but you're not focusing on that. You're focusing on you and your needs while ignoring most of those of your target market. That's not sales, it's fantasy.

What you need to do is shift that focus entirely. Change it up to be "others focused" instead of "me focused". Many of your girlfriends, your family and even the media will tell you that it's not ok to lose weight for anyone else, that you have to "do it for yourself".

That, my dear is pure and utter bullshit! It comes directly from the "me-mentality". It's time to STOP being this selfishness and to start being considerate of others and THEIR needs. Don't you realize that by keeping and holding this sort of belief, you're actually denying some man the chance to have someone incredible like you in his life??? Now THAT is selfish!! That ends right here, right now.

Along with getting yourself into "fighting shape" (again, very, very proud of you!) you need to start learning how to maximize the use of makeup, hair and wardrobe. I have never met a truly "ugly" woman! I've only seen women that haven't learned to maximize their assets. You, my dear, are one of these women and that's got to stop. You need to discover what your "target market" (the men - or man - you want to meet) want to see in their women. You need to discover what they want and need and who you; as the pure feminine energy you are, bring that to their worlds. You also need to learn how to become the incredible sexual partner you were meant to be.

By the way, on this last note here's something you need to realize: you've actually ignored your own sexual education all these years. That too has to stop. You need to start building that knowledgebase so that you can bring all of those skills and enthusiasm to the man you eventually fall in love with. Doesn't he deserve this from you? (Damn right he does!) Even the one-night stands you've experienced have been beneficial for you. Don't discount them, but don't rely on them either. You need to get to work on these skills!

Here's why: while being a great sex partner isn't going to make a man fall in love with you, it WILL keep him around long enough for you to work your magic on him! If you're lousy in bed, he's simply going to go find someone else that isn't; and trust me, this is FAR more a problem for you than your looks!

The bottom line is this: Discover what the man of your dreams whats and needs in his life and simply become that woman to him. Learn to maximize what you have in all areas - don't discount any of them.

If you do these things, your "dateless days" will be a distant memory. Trust me.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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