Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/29/2011

Question
I've known this guy since sixth grade and it's been a while. We're in ninth grade, soon to be sophomores and I really like him. I catch him looking at me when I see him and he's usually everywhere I look. We don't have any classes together but lunch and all my friends think he's a nice quiet guy. But that's the problem. He's quiet and always looks tired and keeps to himself and friends. He's gone to one dance his whole life and with his girlfriend. (Now ex.) I try to get him to notice me and talk to him but I can't tell if he likes me or not. I read online for help, but I don't know what to do anymore. He's so quiet and unreadable.

Answer
Hello Alexis!

I know. It gets really confusing when you go online trying to get some help. There are so many people out there that claim to be "experts" that simply take ridiculous, "feel good" advice, warm it over and try to pass it off as their own. Then, while it all sounds so "reasonable", it fails, miserably.

I guess that's the real problem here. How do (and why should) you believe me, then? If you just figured you'd try some other random person for advice, you've wasted both our time and should probably just move on. On the other hand, if you're here for some real help because you've read other things I've written and know (and believe in) my philosophies, read on.

Ultimately, you're worried about whether he likes you or not. That's the wrong place to put your energy. Frankly, it doesn't matter whether he likes you or not. You can create attraction in anyone if you know how. In reality, you're going for the quick & easy game rather than building something (like I know you can).

Because you've known him at least causally for so long, that can work against you - or for you! The first problem you have to fix is his impression of you. He likely remembers you from 6th grade. You're a different woman now and you have to express that point first to get him past his original ideas of who you were. You want him to start seeing you as you are now.

To begin with, you need to establish some connection with him. The good news is that it doesn't have to be much to get things started. Simply walking by him and saying, "Hey John!" [or whatever his name is] when you walk past him in the halls is enough for now.

Let's say you see him walking toward you. Make some eye contact with him and say, hello as you walk past him and be sure to use his name. Plan to do this at least a 3-4 times. It's perfectly normal (and frankly, something adults do all the time). See if he responds back with "hey Alexis!"

Whether he does or not isn't really important. All you're doing here is building a bridge of familiarity with him. Once this becomes a routine, you can easily move into the next step.

Let's say you see him at lunch. You can go up to him and say, "Hey John, want to eat lunch together?" He'll say, "sure" and you can then start making things happen. Find out about his classes and what he's planning on doing for summer. It doesn't have to be some big thing here - all you're doing is just being friendly and drawing him out to be talkative.

Easy so far, right? It is!

Once you've started this you have plenty of "context" to get to know him better and you're building attraction all at the same time. Since summer break is coming up, you can also find things you both enjoy and plan on doing them after school. This is the next step. You can exchange numbers too so that you can get in touch with him to plan the fun things you're going to do together.

Now, go get this started right away. Don't wait. Who knows what you could be building here?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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