Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/8/2011

Question
Dear Dr. Neder,

It may be none of my business, but when my thirteen-year-old daughter tells me that she reads a post entered by an expert in this forum calling one of the young ladies a "rude, arrogant bitch," I somehow can't help but make it my business.

As an advocate of abuse and trauma survivors, if there anything that I am unable to tolerate, it is a professional who willfully speaks abusively to people who report that they have already been horrendously abused.  Although I haven't had a chance to thoroughly peruse all of your posts, I honestly must state that what I did read from you was unnecessary, and uncalled for.  I felt too disgusted to read any further.  

I do understand that disagreements at this forum will happen, and that the experts have their own styles of communicating, but nothing justifies resorting to this form of insulting, destructive, almost, adolescent form of speech.  It is one thing to be cruel in order to be kind, but it is entirely another thing to be cruel just for the sake of being a huge meanie.

Would it be too much for me to ask for you to please be assertive with the users without resorting to such nasty, abusive language, while also keeping in mind that some of these users are underaged? Granted, I am considered a parent who is more protective with my children than most when it comes to potential Internet hazards, and I recognize that I cannot shield them from all the horrors, but the least I expect from this service, even it is free, is some measure of professional conduct to ensure a safe, secure, and pleasant experience for all visitors of this web site.  As my young daughter frequents this forum, I would like to be able to give her a positive report, I will appreciate it if I no longer read replies by you that reveal that the users show better decorum than you do, or that you are capable of being candid without deliberately kicking people when they are already down.

Just sharing some concerns.  Take it or leave it.

Respectfully,

Maisha

Answer
Hello Maisha!

Thank you for writing to me with this concern.

I'm also an advocate for abused people - men AND women and have worked with them in many capacities; the most current being in my position as a commissioner for Los Angeles County. I'm also a trained therapist and practitioner.

With consideration, I have to respectfully decline your request. You're asking that I parent your children and create a banal, "safe" environment for them. That simply isn't my job. Worse yet, by even trying to do this, I'd lesson the value of this site to every other person that uses it - all for what YOU consider the benefit of your daughter. The vast majority of people on this site are adults. I can't know up-front who is an adult and who isn't. It's YOUR job as parent to police what your children are reading and viewing, NOT MINE, AND NOT THIS SITE'S.

When anyone comes here asking about "adult relationships" (which is exactly what we discuss here) then are given that message. There are other sections here that deal specifically with children and I do not write there. I don't know the specifics of any person's background or history when they write. On the other hand, they absolutely know mine; or at least, should. My responses are all over specific areas of this site. Further, there are links to my websites which contain a huge number of additional responses. These even link to yet OTHER sites where I am prolific in responding. I have a hard time not blaming someone (even a child) that doesn't know what they're in for and I specifically get requests all the time BECAUSE I'm absolutely direct and specific about things - even if it comes off as rude at times.

If I may be so bold, this seems like the perfect opportunity to parent! Why not take this and help your child to understand what they are seeing on the internet and give it some adult perspective? It sounds like an excellent growth opportunity.

I have no idea what response you're referring to here, but then, it really doesn't matter. What does is that I carefully measure my responses to the timbre and details of the question. When I see someone being rude or immature, I can't just assume it's a child as just as many adults are given to acting like this. The person asking the question usually gets a response in the same tone as asked. Trust me, I get far more rudeness and abuse than your daughter may have suffered here!

You (or anyone) may be offended by what you read here and that is entirely your right. In fact, I'm glad you're offended and that it evokes some response. That's how adults deal with things - by talking them out. However, I don't have any particular concern that you're offended and I'm sure you'd not appreciate hearing what offends me!

We (as a culture) can take the low-road and try to create a society that tries to make everyone happy (as though that's some "right" - it's not by the way) by controlling and manipulating and ultimately reducing/censoring everything we do, think or say or we can expect and help people to become the fully functioning adults (with all the joys and privileges afforded in doing so) they were meant to be. The good AND bad. However, we can't do both. I've chosen to take the higher road and believe (according to the overwhelming number of supportive letters and comments I receive) that it is the right path. When that changes, I'll change right along with it.

Thanks again for writing and letting me know how you feel. I truly appreciate the feedback.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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