Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/1/2011

Question
Hi!
  I've recently entered a new relationship, it's been 2 months. He is 10 years older than me. I'm 24 he is 34. Everything about this guy is amazing and when I'm with him I'm the happiest I've ever been. He's thoughtful, romantic, and always making me laugh. Heres my question to you- Is it good to be yourself around a guy or is there that element of a chase that should remain? I'm a very warm, outgoing, thoughtful, family oriented girl and I always go out of my way for my family and friends. My boyfriend lives by himself.  Sometimes I'll
Go over buy everything  and cook dinner.  I'm always buying him little things for his apartment
That he needs, sometimes everyone in a while I'll bring him lunch to work.. Yesterday he was sick so I brought him soup at work - he asked me to pick up some medicine for him and I did.  I love doing things like this for the people I love- but do you think it's not attractive? Am I going to not look like the girl he felt he had to impress in the beginning? Not to sound concided but I know I have alot
To offer a relationship I'm very attractive and finishing graduate school this year so I have a good head On my
Shoulders.  My boyfriend even said he's been in love with me before he even asked me out ( we've known each other for a while before dating) He's past remarks many times how he
Wants to marry me how I'm his dream girl ( this was first mentioned before the first dinner I
Cooked him lol) I feel like I'm also more inclined to do
Thoughtful things because he's so
Good to me. Always taking me out to dinner and buying me gifts here and there. I
Read these books who tell you not to be yourself play a game, have them chase you, pretend you don't know how to cook. But I do know how to cook! And I don't want to play games.  I've finally found a guy I could spend my life with and I'm not going to ruin it and  listen to a stupid book but am I going to fizzle the fire by doing the things I'm doing? Should I stop showing my thoughtfulness as often? any advice would be appreciated!!
Thanks for listening
Ashley

Answer
Hello Ashley!

Ah! The chase question. I get this one at least 3-4 times a week.

Let me give you another name for "the chase". It's also called "the hunt". Unfortunately, you girls don't understand what these things are. Worse yet, you continue to mislead each other by telling yourselves that us guys want this.

In fact, we do want it. However, (again, because you don't know what it is) you continue to try to make it happen - and then, always lose the guy. I can't tell you how often I see this! I just answered this same question for a woman that was actually married to the man of her dreams, started doing this and just ended a very messy divorce with him - all because she thought that getting him back on the chase was the answer to spicing up her marriage!

Let me explain what "the chase"/"the hunt" really is. I'll do it by using a real hunting metaphor.

When you go out hunting there are two parts: "the hunt" and "the kill". The hunt is obviously the larger part of this and usually the more difficult, but not the most dangerous. You spend all kinds of time tracking - and attracting - the prey until you finally have it in your sites. That's when the game changes and you're now in the kill portion of our program.

What you girls don't understand is this: by the time we've found you, the hunt is over! We don't want to have to continue to hunt. That's the hard - and not very fun - part. We now what to experience the win. If you try to put us back in the hunt/chase aspects, you just reduce your value and make us realize there's all sorts of other game out there too - much of which is far easier to kill!

Why would you do something so dumb? Answer: because you don't know any better and because you girls constantly tell other girls it's a "good idea".

Ashley, it's not - UNLESS you want the guy to leave you and find someone else - just like my recently divorced reader found. She tried to pull this same stupidity and is now heartbroken and confused. She did what other (ignorant) women told her to do.

Is that were you want to be? If so, be my guest and start being a challenge for your guy. Trust me, he'll start looking around immediately at your competition. That's very specifically how we guys are wired.

As to this attentiveness you have to him and his needs being "attractive". Answer: 110%. This is exactly what we guys want and need from the woman in our lives. It makes us want to be better men for you. It makes us feel protective of you and helps to focus our attention on you. It's that specific feminine energy that we don't posses that is most attractive to us.

When women stop doing this, we stop feeling as connected to you. It's not about obligation or promises or anything like that. It's this very action on your part that brings out the male part of us. It makes us worry that if we don't make sure you have everything you want that you won't be with us to deliver all that beautiful feminine energy we crave to have in our lives. As soon as that goes away, we start the hunt all over again.

So, ignore those stupid books and articles written by women for other women about men. They don't know in the least what they're talking about. Further, they're written for other dumb girls. Instead, continue to be the loving, giving, beautiful creature you were designed to be. Take care of your man. Make sure that he never leaves you with his trigger cocked (or he'll be pointing that weapon at other women!) and you'll always have the most incredible relationship you can imagine.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"