Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/8/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Nader,

Before I begin, I would like to thank you for taking the time out for me, especially since my narrative is rather long, but I'd like to put the whole story out there so as to help you help me. I apologize for rambling, but I'm really in a very confused state of mind and I would appreciate any advice you may have for me.

So here goes:

I have been great friends with this guy for some time now, and though our conversation was extremely erratic, we grew very close to each other on an emotional level. He felt free to speak his mind as I did mine, and we shared many amusing moments together.

However, our friendship never got beyond anything but good old honest to goodness friendship, as he had been seeing this girl I know casually for almost as long as I knew him. He is a loyal boyfriend, and to me he was always "someone else's guy" if you see what I mean. We enjoyed each others company, but nothing more.

Early last week we happened to meet up, and in the course of our conversation, which is always heart to heart, he revealed he had broken up with his girlfriend. She apparently had some problems in her own life that were causing uncalled for stress in in own, and he decided to call it quits. I sympathized, but that was that.

During the conversations that ensued later that day and the next, he confessed that his break up had also been partly fueled by his girlfriend finding out he had a "kind of" liking for someone else. I said nothing to that, I always believe in letting a person finish before giving my opinion of the situation. His next sentence, verbatim, was this:

"So she figured it out that I liked you but this was after I had ended things with her."

I was surprised, as I had never really considered myself a part of the equation. He hurried on to explain that he had never felt he could talk to anyone like he could talk to me, I didn't judge him or make him feel like he had to pretend being perfect. I entirely understood that, and I explained that though we had always been great friends I had never really considered being more than that. He asked if it were possible that I would think of it, and I said that though it wasn't impossible, it would definitely warrant some time - time he needed to get over his ex, and time I would need to fully accept his new found single status. I'm not sure if this is the response I should have had, but I said what felt right at the moment.

The next few days were a blur. We spoke to each other a lot, and e-mail traffic between us increased ten fold. We were closer than ever before, and though we weren't officially a couple, we definitely became best friends.

However, a couple days down the line, a mutual friend informed him his ex had cut herself because she couldn't handle the hurt of breaking up. (please note this was not a suicide attempt)He was visibly upset at getting to know that, and he told me about how awful it felt as well. I asked him to go have a conversation with her, and he did, and when we spoke again he told me she felt a lot better. They have continued to be in touch after that, and to make a long story short, our subsequent conversations made me suspect he still had feelings for her.Now,my guy friend kept insisting throughout a large part of our conversations that he wanted to be nothing more than a friend to his ex. He appreciated the trust I placed in him when I asked him to go speak to her to begin with. All was well until then, but in latter conversations, I could see his feelings move. In one of our last e-mails where he poured his heart out, he addressed it to his ex instead of to me, which was frankly hurtful. I told him that, and asked him to think of it and take the situation like a man and face the issues she has with her if he really wanted her. After a long conversation, he agreed that there still were feelings there, and duly apologized to me for having to say that.

We have stayed in touch after, though his girlfriend and he are now officially a couple again. He tells me I'm the best friend anyone could ever hope for, and I agree. I know I did the best I could, I advised him with what I truly believe is the right thing for him. But I would be dishonest if I said I feel great about the way the whole situation turned out. Its been more than a month since this episode, but I don't seem to be able to put him out of my mind. I have tried the proverbial ice-cream and movies, but my thoughts, when I'm not occupied elsewhere, keep returning to him. I want him to be happy, I want to be happy myself, to find the kind of love I'm sure I deserve. But all the same, I'm realizing more and more strongly, that I'm more involved with this guy than  I had thought.

What do you suggest I do? Give it some more time and wait for it to pass? Tell him up front? I'm really at a loss for ideas.

Again, anything you suggest is greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much!

ANSWER: Hello Nargis!

First of all, I think you've made some very serious mistakes here. You had a chance with him that you should have taken. Instead, out of some romantic notion that he should just fight through all the walls you threw at him, you've lost that opportunity.

Nargis, it's not your job to decide for anyone else what's in their heart. It's also not your job to dictate timing of things. Relationships are complicated and based on so many variables that it's simply impossible to manage everything. You have to be open to these ideas and let them flow when they can. Instead, you wanted to artificially manipulate things and look at where you are now.

I can't tell you what you should do, but consider this: of course he's going to have feelings for his ex. Why did you make that the pivot of everything else? What you wanted was for him to be completely over her, but had he convinced you of that, it'd just have been a lie. In effect, you wanted him to lie to you!

You two have the most important element in any relationship: chemistry. The problem now however is that  all this chemistry is going to go unanswered if you remain friends. That's a very painful choice.

You're going to have to make a decision here. You're either going to decide that you want your chance with him and break them up or you're going to have to let him go completely (yes, 100%) so that you can heal and move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Doctor!

I agree that perhaps what I then thought of as righteous might just be a manipulative side of me, and I also understand that I could not expect him to be over his ex quite so quickly. In fact, it was with that in mind that I had asked we take things slow.

However, I think back and wonder what else I could have done, held on to him for dear life when someone was cutting herself up over him? Wouldn't that have been rather inhuman? Regardless, this is unprofitable as a speculation. Right or wrong, it definitely pushed them closer and lost me an opportunity.

Admittedly, its quite impossible to stop thinking of him, which is my principle problem here. If you will, I'd like you suggest how I should go about the idea of letting him know I still have feelings for him. Should I be subtle? Or let him know the facts and leave him to judge?

Regards,
Nargis

Answer
Hello again Nargis!

I like to think of relationships like ladders rather than roads. The idea is that you (hopefully) climb upwards, building on all the experiences - and ex-girlfriends/boyfriends - of the past, rather than leaving on town (relationship) and moving to another absolutely cleanly. In other words, these experiences and even the emotions are always there, but that you grow beyond them.

As far as the ex and her emotional problems, cutting is a very severe mental illness. I doubt you have the training to help her and if you did, you'd know that you were too close to the situation anyway. You'd have to have someone else (again, properly trained) to help her. You and this guy simply can't.

Further, you're not responsible for anyone else's mental health or emotional growth. Perhaps this was the chance for her to get whatever underlying problems she has fixed permantely and now, that's gone, it'll just come back eventually - and maybe result in something far worse. Again, this isn't your fault either. This woman obviously needs professional help.

As to where you are with him; as I said before: YOU need to make a decision here as to what exactly you want. Realize this: the friendship is over. You're not going to have that again for a very long time, if ever. The reason is that you want more than a friendship. You'll never be satisfied with it and will only continue to hurt yourself - and your future of finding what you want with someone else if you try to hold on to it.

Thus, the decision.

If you want something more, then the answer isn't to lay out the facts as you've stated, it's to get in there and become the woman of his dreams. Give him the choice of what he has now against what he could have. I'll say this: he very likely went back to her for the sex. It's pretty common that women that are this crazy also tend to be crazy in bed. That's a good first place to start because as bad as everything else might be, he's not going to give up incredible sex for lackluster sex.

If he could have that with a nice, sweet, loving, "normal" (as though there is such a thing!) girl that is everything to him he could hope for, what do you think he's going to do?

On the flip side, if you don't think you have the energy or interest for that, you need to purge him from your life entirely. No exceptions. You need to clear your mind of him and get some discipline over your thoughts so that when he pops into them, you can dismiss it and think about what you do want instead - with someone else. That's how you'll get healed over all of this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"