Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/15/2012

Question
Hi Dennis,

I have feelings for a man that I know from work. We work for two separate companies but in the same building. I run a food service operation, and he is an IT manager. We are both 30 and single. We have one professional meeting together once a week, but other than that we have no reason to interact (would have to go out of our way to communicate or see each other).

He started working for his company one year ago and we met right away. Over time he would stop by my restaurant to have coffee or lunch and talk to me. To this day he continues to stop by every day to see me, asks questions about my life and tells me about his, sends me funny emails (lots of attention). He's a geeky IT type, and appears to be self-conscious with lots of nervous body language. These attributes of his sometimes make conversations and flirting awkward (especially with physical touch), and his energy makes me nervous too, kind of like a 12-year-old with a crush!

He's friendly and flirty in his own little way. We don't talk about the opposite sex with each other, and yes, I am positive he is single and not gay.

I invited him to a professional baseball game a few months later and he accepted my invitation. I met him at his house and he drove, insisted on paying for everything, took me to his recording studio afterward then back to his house to hang out. When I left he gave me a nice long hug. All and all a good date, lasted 12 hours.

The following Friday at work he came down to my restaurant and asked if I wanted to get drinks after work. I said yes and we agreed to meet at my restaurant once he was finished for the day. He never showed up, and I sent him a text asking if he was about done and he wrote back that he already left work, his boss told him to leave early, and for me to have a good weekend. Asking me out then bailing without saying anything? Come on! He apologized again the following Monday.

Two months later I invited him out with my coworkers but he had other plans. A month after that I asked him out one-on-one after work and he said yes. I called him as I was leaving work but it went straight to voice mail. He stopped by my restaurant but I was already gone, so he thought I blew him off. We talked about it the next Monday at work, seemed to be a miscommunication.

Since then I haven't made any other attempts at seeing him outside of work, since the last two didn't work. The amount of attention he gives me has increased with time, to the point that his boss/coworkers and MY boss/coworkers regularly make comments and ask questions.

On one hand, his daily behavior makes this seem like a slam dunk. On the other hand, my failed attempts at getting together in the past, plus the fact that he doesn't ask me out makes me second guess the whole thing.

Flirting is fun, but when it goes on for almost a year and you don't know where you stand it just gets frustrating. I'd like to know once and for all where this is going. If he doesn't have romantic intentions I would prefer that he just stop coming by my restaurant and getting my hopes up.

Please give me your take on this situation and advise me on how to proceed. I don't always get the best advise and perspective from my girlfriends, so I think you will be a big help. Thank you!

Answer
Hello Rachel!

Here's where this is going: nowhere.

Here's what happened: yes, he was very interested in you. He wanted to put something together but simply didn't know how. Then, he started reading some things on the internet and tried to pull them on you. One example was setting up that date with you for drinks and never showing up without a call or anything.

Now, it's simply gone on too long and he's finally realized that his own ability to connect with you emotionally and on a very deep level is gone. Thus, he's still sending you the things via the internet and (probably) stopping by to check in but this is more out of habit and hoping to get laid than in really hoping to put something together with you.

The reality is this: his "window of opportunity" has closed (for you) and is never going to be open again.

I agree that this isn't exactly fair to you. Unless you just want to sleep with him (and there is NOTHING wrong with that as long as you realize that's all it's ever going to be from here on out) then I suggest you just confront him with it all.

Tell him that it has been going on too long and that you're looking for something different. Thank him for the attention but explain it's no longer wanted and for him to move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
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