Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/9/2012

Question
Hi, My name is Fabi. I am separated and have two kids. I am 37 years old. I work in a hospital and there is this resident doctor who always is looking at me. He is 28 years old but looks older and I look younger. When I try to look at him, he turns his head and pretends he is not looking at me. I saw him in facebook and requested to be his friend. He accepted. He came to my unit several times, he tried to talk to me but since I am a secretary, I keep getting all these phone calls and questions from nurses and staff. I saw him on facebook, talk quickly once just to say hi. He was really nice to me. Second time, he was nice again, chat for about 5 minutes every time, he told me that he wanted to play a 20 questions game, which I did not know what it was. He started to ask me questions, where I was from, if I was going to school, but I had my kids screaming and I had to say that I had to go and said good bye. He wanted to keep talking but it was impossible for me. Next time, I chat with him again, I don’t know what to think but I thought it was a nice conversation but he said he had to go to the gym and left the chat. The next time, I said hi again in the chat, he went off the chat, disappeared, I never see him again, it looks like he blocked me. Just let me tell you that every time that I started the conversation there was a time frame of two weeks, it was not like I wanted to chat everyday that I saw him in the chat room.  Do you think I was stalking him? But the weird thing, is that I have seen him probably four or five times and he looks at me and when I look at him, he pretended again that he is not looking. The other day, I saw him and he was so serious, I thought he was mad. So I send him a message in facebook, saying hi, that I have not seeing him for a while and that I wish I did not do anything wrong. He replied saying that It has been a while since he has not seen me. That he probably looks serious because when he goes to my unit it means that there is something wrong and that I did not do anything to bother him.  By this point I imagine that you are thinking that I am an idiot because I am dreaming of this guy who does not even reply to me.  Well I sent him a message saying that I was glad that he is not mad at me, and (stupid me) I wanted to continue the 20 questions game, if he wanted to . then I wish him happy new year. And of course, it has been 4 days and he is not replying. I really like this guy, I thought there was some kind of attraction. Was I wrong reading the signals? He is really a social guy, has a lot of female friends, I don’t think he is shy. Can I do something to get him to answer my message.

Answer
Hello Fabi!

While there might be some kind of attraction, I'm not sure it's really much to go on. You don't even know this guy yet to be attracted to him. You know how he looks and what he does for a living. That's about it.

As to what you did, no doubt you acting aloof is the main problem here. Yes, I know you were busy and had the kids and whatever else, but when you're dealing with someone you're interested in, you have to manage that very carefully.

He believes you aren't interested in him and maybe just want his attention. Because of having screwed this up before, now you're going to need to work even harder (and frankly, take all the risks) if you ever want a chance with this guy again.

What I suggest is this: give him a few more days. After that, the next time you see him, write down your phone number on a piece of paper and hand it to him while saying, "We never really got a chance to get to know each other. If you'd like to have a drink sometime and talk, I'd enjoy that".

Then, leave it up to him.

The next time you talk to him coordinate things the best you can. If you can't talk, offer to call him back in a few minutes when you can calm things down. Or, you can offer another time when it'd be better to talk (like when the kids are asleep).

The beginning of things with dating is a critical time. You really have to do as much right as you possibly can. I know there are outside influences that take our attention and time, but this is when you formulate your first impression with someone. It has to be a good one or you're sunk.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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