How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Starting to get tired.

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QUESTION: Hi There,

I am 27 years old and I never had a real serious relationship. I have had a lot of boyfriends but it didn't last or it didn't lead to anything serious. I don't have a problem picking up men since they are always seem to be attracted to me. I was in a relationship with a man for four years and it was not a healthy stable relationship. It took me awhile to break free and for the first time I started dating. I have had two men propose to me in less than a year but they were so needy and pushy I had to run for the hills. I will not commit to something that I don't deserve or because I am scared to be alone. If I am fortunante I will meet a wonderful remarkable man. I know I am.
I been dating a man since May and he is saving himself for marriage, believe that touching is not good until you are married. I don't think this is going to go anywhere since I am very sexual and enjoy sex! There is nothing wrong with sex.
I am always dating someone but I want something that clicks and someone who meets my needs and I meet his. I know there is nothing wrong with me because I have really looked inside of myself and worked to polish my flaws.
I feel like time is running out and wondering if I am doomed or haven't met the right person and he will come along shortly?
I have written a list what I want in a man and can attract what I want but I always seem to dump them because they have a lot of RED FLAGS!

ANSWER: Hello Alison!

I agree with you regarding this guy you met in May. I feel sorry for the girl that finally winds up with him. He's going to have absolutely no skills whatsoever! I just hope she's as asexual as he is. The sad reality is; non-sexual dating leads to a non-sexual relationship which (if it even gets this far) leads to non-sexual marriages and ultimately, people who never feel fulfilled.

Unfortunately, you've also convinced yourself that the problem is with everyone else. Alison, honestly, I have never seen that to be true. When someone that is dating and meeting people can't find what they're looking for the simple truth of the matter is; they're looking for the wrong things. The problem IS you.

If you're familiar with my work, you likely know how much emphasis I put on having clear, written goals. Most people never do the work they need to find the right guy or girl. On the flip side I find that some people have so many "must have's" that they can never meet that person! That's the very first place I have to start with these people - paring down what they really want and need into a reasonable, workable, realistic list.

I sense that's where you are right now.

Once that's done, the next step is to start changing the skills the person thinks they have into ones that can actually get them to their goals. These same people often have expectations that are so high nobody can meet them - nor should!

Alison, the problem you (and most women have today) is that almost all of us live in huge cities of hundreds of thousands or millions of people. That seems like it'd be easier to meet the right guys, but in fact, it's not. When women set the bar so high it becomes about trying to reach it - and always without any investment on the woman's part! Simply put, no guy is going to work that hard unless the woman is also working that hard.

Think about that point. There are just far too many other great women within arm's reach! Why would any guy put that much effort into an unknown? Answer: he won't. He'll find an easier and frankly; just as good an option.

At least, this is true of really good men.

You say you can attract guys that meet your list only to then dump them because of red flags. That tells me a great deal! What you're doing is attracting the guys that will play these ridiculous games with you. You are likely trying to make them jump through hoops to "prove their worth" to you. Guess what? There are guys that WILL do that, but they don't give a shit about you! They love the game itself - NOT YOU.

So, as soon as they start winning your game(s) they get bored and look for someone new to play with.

Do you see the problem here? The fact is, your competition is huge - likely far huger than you even realize. Your expectations are huge (and honestly, this probably goes right along with a very, very low delivery on your part!) You feel "entitled" to have what you want. You go after the guys that will play the games with you thinking that is what you supposed to do and ignore the actual guys that won't play the games.

Alison, I'm making some assumptions here but I'll bet I'm more than 70% right on this - likely far more.

Therein lies the reasons you're having these issues - and the places you need to start changing to start seeing the successes you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am not really sure what you are getting at and to be honest your assumptions are quite large. My standards are not that high and I am not as picky as I use to be. I was in a relationship with a man for four and a half years and it did not go well because he is so into himself and not financially responsible. I had to move on instead of wasting my time. I don't regret the relationship but I needed to move on. I then met a man who I dated a few months and turned out he had RED FLAGS meaning he was verbal abusive and our schedules did not meet. Also leaving me waiting at 12 am in the morning for him to come stay with me when he says he is on his way home and it was midnight when I had to wake up at 6 am for work? Not calling for a couple of days when I was worried. After I ended it he did a lot of prank calls or me and did some freaky stuff.  I did not want to be a lone in a relationship again since my ex boyfriend was a work alcoholic and didn't care to be in my life.
I never had a chance to date in this beautiful city and since haven't put that much energy into it since I am focused on getting a better job and boosting my career.  I was dating someone else who was amazing and I think he was the perfect fit. He didn't make much money but I was so happy with him but unfortunately he had to move back to CHILE and I realized it wasn't mean to be. He is happy down there with his family. I dated another man who is an artitecht and he is against women being over the age of 30 and we just didn't click when on the first date he wanted to get married and was forcing me to marry him and have sex when I WASN'T ready.
I know it is so easy for you to say IT IS ME because I mentioned that it is not me. I have worked on myself and getting out of an abusive long term relationship and I grew tremendously and know more what I need in a partner. I've been seeing Simon and I think he is a wonderful man and teaching more about relationships and how he respects me but there is no SEX so I will have to move on. My best girl friend says it is a RED FLAG. Says that a healthy man should enjoy sex and wants to have sex with you, not the opposite.
Not so sure why you think I have high standards. One man who I dated was an attorney and wanted me to be his girlfriend and when I told him I wasn't ready or not wanting to be in a relationship with him he calls me a slut. See this is why I didn't end up commiting to him because he was disrespectful.
I don't play games, I am an honest person and let them know what I am looking for and what I my intentions are. I don't play games however dating is a game but I do my best not to be shady or play games.
I hate to say this but what you wrote does not meet. I am not able to date because I can't afford it...I can barely afford to go out to a bar with friends and these past few years has been a rough time for me. Believe me if I had more money I would be dating a lot more and be able to meet men.

ANSWER: Hello again Alison!

Ok, let's see if I can clarify some of these things.

First of all, you need to know this: I hear everything you've said in both your first and second messages all the time - from every single woman I talk to! "I don't play games", "I don't have that many expectations", "I'm clear and open about my expectations and intentions", "I don't feel entitled", etc., etc.

Alison: not one of these things is EVER true with ANY WOMAN I talk to! Everyone always says these things and then as I dig deeper, the realities start coming out. Here are just a few examples (of literally hundreds). Do you:

Not pick up the phone if he calls right away?
Not immediately return his texts?
(Everyone almost always has their phones with them.)
Act aloof and withhold your real interests?
Try to look "busy" even when you're not?
Say vague, double-meaning things?
Post something on Facebook hoping he'll know it was for him?
etc., etc., etc. There are hundreds more of these games.

As soon as I point those out, the instant reactions are either:

1) Well, those aren't "games"; and,
2) I have a GOOD REASON for doing that; or,
3) Guys do that too!

To which I respond:

1) Yes, they are games.
2) No, you don't. It's not a good reason and in fact is what's keeping you right where you are; or,
3) No, extremely few guys do that and these are usually very insecure guys or simply game-players, like you.

What you need to be going for is transparency, openness and availability. These things are all about just the opposite.

Alison, go ahead and start to feel indignant if you want to but remember, we're trying to solve your problem here. You can deny, deny, deny all you want, but there *IS* a problem. Otherwise (if everything you're telling me were true) you'd have it all fixed and have found the guy of your dreams. Trust me, he's out there!

Here's what I can't do: I can't change the entire world to fit into your little box and be the way you want it to be. I can't make all of them read your mind and understand why you do what you do and to be ok with it. What I can do is to help YOU - and ONLY YOU - see these things for what they are and fix them.

The moment we do that, things are going to change for you. As long as you hold on to these ridiculous beliefs that you are doing absolutely everything right, everyone else is the problem, and that you have "good reasons" for them, you're going to not only stay right where you are, you're going to get more and more jaded about guys, relationships and the world!

You're well on your way to that right now. How tragic and unnecessary.

I only say "it's you" because you wrote to me, and well, because it is. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not. My job is to help open your eyes so you can start making the changes you need and to start enjoying the relationships you deserve.

I agree with you about the sexless guy. He's not an option and whatever mental problems he has with sex is going to hurt him and the woman he's with down the road. Forget him and move on.

As to you being able to "afford" dating, I understand that there are some costs involved, but it should be minimal for you unless you are (again) making poor choices about it. Don't "hang out" with guys you want to date! DATE instead! The fact is, the vast majority of any costs involved in dating are the guy's not yours. Sure, you need to do your makeup and nails and wax and whatever else, but these are things you likely do regularly anyway. If you're actually dating there shouldn't be much extra expense - at least for you.

So, that's where you need to start. Accept what I've told you so far (even if you don't like it) and then we have something to work with. Otherwise, you can continue to hold on to these beliefs and have exactly the same experience you're having right now as long as you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dr. Dennis,

What you said is absolutely correct and did I play those games? Yes I have in the past. Today I am too busy to even play games. I don't have to make an excuse if I am busy because I am already really busy! I don't pretend that I am busy. The last guy I dated we didn't play games with each other! We ahd so much fun and dated like adults. My Ex is a game player and everything he does is GAMES! So I was in the game...I got out of it and realized I don't need this.
You are right because we all have to work on ourselves to make changes in our lives and believe me...I have, you have no idea! My life changed! Relationships improved and attracting more men that I am interested in.
I know some older women who are very single and they are going around in circles juding couples and blaming men and how they are so superfiscal blah blah blah. It is them because she refuses to work on herself and to put herself out there. She is so negative that I can't stand to be around her however her youngest sister happens to be one of my closest friends! I have no choice.
I know her problem.
My problem is that I NEED to put myself out there, meet more people. I started dating different types of men, opened my mind,and  loving myself. I have men come into my life a lot but I usually run to the hills when they want to commit to fast. He isn't right for me, I don't want to date a man i his 50s and is against women who are over 30. I don't like that.
So you are telling me I have a problem...I WAS THERE. I worked on myself for over a year and a half, my love life has improved since then. Now I have to focus on getting a better job, getting where I need to be in terms of meeting the people I want. Trust me...I am very honest and I am working on myself.

Answer
Hey Alison!

Are you too busy to be dating and in a relationship? If you're this busy guys certainly see it - and avoid it. Would you want someone that isn't available for you? Of course not.

I'll say this however: it's possible to be busy and not look it; or at least, to not let it affect you negatively! I constantly battle with this myself. I run 3 businesses, answer tons of these questions every single day, work on new books, new articles, do seminars, do my regular TV and radio shows, do tons of interviews, play in a band, do lots of community work, take care of my dog and a ton more and I *still* have time to date and build relationships. It's tough to manage these things but busy people make time for what's important.

I'm glad to hear your story about the changes you've made. Isn't it interesting that these changes are so subtle (often just coming down to a decision or two) and make such huge differences? Most people are never willing to make those decisions however. Ultimately, that's the definition of "success" - being willing to do what other, unsuccessful people won't do, and knowing the value of even small changes.

Playing these dumb games is one of them. Here in Los Angeles, we see this constantly. This is the hardest dating community anywhere in the world. Women are bombarded with bad advice about these things and even against their own good judgment fall for it. I personally have dated really great women that did absolutely everything right up front only to then get scared and revert back to the games! (As though I wouldn't see it??) Those girls dropped right off the radar only to wonder what happened. Now they know.

Yes, I agree with you. You DO need to put yourself out there and "try on" different types of men. You're going to be shocked (pleasantly) at just how many great guys there are. Keep in mind that I work from a perspective that great people deserve to be with great people; not that you "get lucky" or "fall into them". The more of these changes to make, the better the quality of guys you find.

It's a very simple formula. While you're not "entitled" to more than you earn, you deserve to earn everything you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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Numerous boards and commissions, civic organizations, etc.

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Thousands of websites, magazines, radio and TV.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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