How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Tough decisions


QUESTION: Hi, I'm currently in a LDR with a 23/M American. I'm 20/F British living in Ireland at the moment. I've been in the relationship for over a year now, basically the guy I'm with wants me to move and live with him. He says he has traditional values and so do I which I find good. He says to trust him about helping me get legal residence with him. I really care about him and he's been there for me but he works a lot and the time difference affects everything. I want to become a vet nurse but if I moved to America I wouldn't be able to as its way expensive. The guy I'm with earns average wage and works on lots of projects, my mum is saying I can't move and stay with him. I got really anxious of the thought of not seeing him. I'm saving up to see him in February.

I'm basically stuck at the decision to up and move to America or stay and return to UK for further education. I would love to move to America but it is such a risk. Also, thoughts of not being good enough for him run through my head. He has given hints that he wants children and told me not to get sterilized because I wanted to a few months ago. He won't move to UK either because its way to costly for him and I would prefer him not to.

I'm currently not happy living in Ireland, should I maybe just risk it?

I would be most grateful for your advice on this.

ANSWER: Hello Ash!

Let's begin here:

Your "relationship" isn't a relationship at all. It can't possibly be. Yes, I know you believe it is and that you feel intense feelings but let's be honest here. You don't really even know this guy - no, not even after a year of "being with him" (which you aren't).

If you were to move you'd discover he's not at all the guy you think he is. All you've seen is his best. You haven't seen how he is at his worst or when frustration sets in or when you get on his nerves, etc. That person is completely unknown to you and don't you think that's just as important (maybe more so) than the good person - the only one he's shown you so far - is?

To make a decision to move half way around the globe based on that isn't a very good decision in my opinion. Of course, being in this ridiculous LDR isn't a very good decision either! Think of all the great guys you're missing right there in Ireland or back in Briton with whom you could have a REAL relationship; one where you could actually fall into his arms or hold him in yours; one where when good or bad things happen you could actually be there and look directly into his eyes and him into yours; one where you could actually know just how right he'd be for you during both the good and the bad times; etc.

There are millions of these guys right there and here you are thinking about uprooting your entire life for someone you don't really even know! Further, you've turned down the opportunity of having something real with a local guy for this fantasy.

Yes Ash, I know the fantasy is compelling. I know that you want to believe it's real. Before you make any decisions about where you're going to be for (likely) the next 5-10 years or longer, I strongly urge you to see what you have now clearly. You don't yet.

If being a veterinary nurse is your dream you absolutely must pursue it. Imagine what would happen 10 years down the road if you gave up that dream to chase another which I can guarantee you is NOT what you think it is. If money and opportunity weren't an issue I'd suggest you move the US on a trial basis - maybe a year - to get just that part of your education but be able to move back. It's obvious that isn't an option here however.

Thus, your move would also mean giving up your dream.

Ash, with all of this (and frankly, a lot more) don't you think the move is a poor choice? I do - right along with this "relationship" you think you have. Chasing your fantasy isn't going to just hurt you - it's going to hurt all those animals needing your unique brand of love AND some guy equally deserving of it who can hold you in his arms or grab you by the hand as you both pursue your dreams.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the previous advice and perspective view!

How would I go about telling this guy I want to pursue a career and will have to move on? I don't want to come across as selfish or mean. I've been living in Ireland for 4 years and haven't met any decent man so I doubt I will in the future. But as I should be returning to the UK for education. In my mind I feel attached to this LDR guy how do I move on without it running through my mind constantly. I can't open up easily in person to others, also I would like to have a serious relationship with a guy not a casual one which I've never had any way. But I feel like most of my age range wants casual, which is not what I want.

Hello again Ash!

Simple: be direct. Don't beat around the bush. Don't start getting scarce. Don't hide. Don't hedge. Just contact him and be clear, specific and direct.

So; in 4 years you haven't met any "decent man"? That leads me to believe either your "standards" are so way, WAY out of reality, that you're a coward or that you're just plain lazy.

Ash, this is what LDR's do to you! As I said before, you don't have a real relationship you have a fantasy. You've built up who this guy is in your mind to the point that no real human can compare. Who can possibly compete with a fantasy?

Trust me, there are TONS of incredible guys right there in Ireland just as there are in Briton, here in the US and on every continent on the planet. Of course, these guys aren't sitting around your living room - you have to go hunt them down - but they ARE there.

You've already bought into the fantasy and if you want to get past it you're going to have to first see it for exactly what it is. Recognize that you've allowed this to permeate your mind and work to stop the fantasy and come back here with the rest of us to real life. It takes quite an effort for some people and this is exactly why I constantly warn people from doing exactly what you've already done. Unfortunately, some people never make it back.

You may believe that most guys in your age range want nothing more than a casual relationship - and many do. Thus if you put absolutely no work in, that's exactly what you're going to get. On the other hand what if you spent the next year working on yourself to become the perfect girl for some incredible guy? What if you dropped those outrageous standards for others and imposed them on yourself instead?

Do you really think that some guy who met his perfect girl and fell in love would ever let her go? Don't worry about what guys tell you they want. Become the woman they NEED and you can ignore the rest.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


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