How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Shy, But Wants to Date


I'm a 21 year old college student.  I've never dated anyone before, but I'm very interested in starting to date.  However, I don't really know how to get guys interested in me.  There are some great guys at my school, but whenever I am around them, they notice my friends, not me.  I'm shy in social settings, while many of my friends are quite outgoing.  How can I stand out, even though I am an introvert in a sea full of extroverts?  I don't want to initiate dating because I want to be pursued, but I don't know how to make a guy notice me.

Hello Stephanie!

Let's begin with the idea of being "shy". So, let me ask you this: are you "shy" when you're around your friends? Are you "shy" when you're around your family? Are you "shy" when you're at work?

I'll bet your answer to all three is "no, of course not". Why not? Simple: you know exactly how to deal with your friends, family, co-workers and frankly, most other people. Instead, you get shy when you're around attractive men. What's important here however is WHY you aren't shy in once case and are shy in another.

The answer is simple: you don't know how to deal with cute guys. As you've already said, you don't know how to attract them and thus, you become "shy". Here's what's actually cool about that: this is simply about education! If you learned how to be attractive to guys (and even how to approach, but I'm getting ahead of myself) you'd be far less shy if even at all. Likewise, you wouldn't be introverted at all - you'd be looking for people to engage with and to enjoy just like an extrovert!

I fully get that you want to be pursued rather than to be the pursuer. Most women feel like that. The problem you run into is that very few guys today know what in the hell they're doing and even that it's their job to pursue! You can't just sit back and wait for some guy that knows what he's doing to just fall from the sky. You have to learn to make it easy for them.

There are quite a number of things you can do to make things easy for guys by the way. As a woman you actually have a lot of tools that guys don't even have to not only approach, but to make it easy to be approached. Sometimes you have to do at least some of the work. I have an entire eBook devoted to this topic that I suggest you read called "How Women Can Approach Men" that goes into all of this in great depth.

Let's cover some basic things to consider:

First, you need to be attractive to men in order to attract them. No surprise there, eh? The problem comes in knowing what is "attractive". In fact, just as every girl is different, every guy is different too, but there are things that everyone shares in common. By hitting the "big beats" you're at least increasing your chances of being approached.

The first think in this (long!) list is to look attractive. Learn to work your assets - and you definitely have them. All women do. Do you know what they are? Maybe your eyes are particularly attractive or your hair or your figure, etc. You should never leave the house in old, baggy sweats for example because you simply don't know when you're going to run into someone interesting. You need to make your personal appearance as attractive as possible. That's why it's called "attraction"!

You also need to be engaging. By that I mean you need to lift your eyes off the floor, don a pretty smile and actually look at other people. Make eye contact and practice holding it. This is especially important when the stakes aren't high so you can get into the habit. For example, in a store, at school, at restaurants, etc. There's nothing magical about this. Guys will tend to avoid someone that doesn't look like they want to be approached.

Don't be afraid of your own sexuality! Very few guys look for women who are a "sexual blank slate". You need to know and define yours well and then use that to help you become more extroverted. Sexuality is confidence. I can't tell you how often I speak to people about this one thing and to help them grow it internally only to have them come back and tell me just how much confidence that one key helped them build for themselves. You deserve that too, so don't neglect it!

Another problem most girls run into is the dreaded "girl pack". You don't want to go out clubbing by yourself. I get that. However, when you go out in these packs of 4, 5 or more girls, you just fade into the background. This is especially true when you're not the most attractive or outgoing girl there. Guys have a very tough time approaching girls in these packs so you want to limit them to no more than 3 girls. If you have a larger group, that's fine, but break up into smaller packs and get some separation between you.

Also, you want to be the most attractive girl in your pack! I constantly see this mistake by women both in real life and on the internet. If you post pictures of yourself online guess who a guy's eyes are drawn to? The most attractive girl, obviously. Be her - always.

Another key is to be available. Too many women actually think that it's a good thing to be a challenge. I can't stress this enough: NO, IT'S NOT!! These girls pull all sorts of dumb things like acting aloof, uninterested, not returning phone calls, etc., etc. There are 1001 dumb little games that women play like this and guess which girls get guys? Answer: the ones that don't/won't do this! I can't stress enough that if you try to be challenging, play hard-to-get, etc. you're always going to be at a loss with guys. You simply have too much competition out there these days.

Next, be engaging and interested. Nothing is worse than someone that just isn't interested in you, right? Every conversation seems like a chore. On the other hand, being interested - asking questions, sharing and opening up - are very good ways to show interest. Be interested and watch others do the same back.

Stephanie, this is the best time in your life to meet new guys. You're never again going to have the opportunities you have right now by being at school. When you get out into the regular, working world, things will get tougher. You want to build all those skills you're going to need now. This isn't just a destination however it's a journey. Being shy, introverted and lacking of basic attraction skills is going to hold you back later on in life. Now is the time to learn and practice everything you can. Think of it as part of your education - the most important part.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at:


I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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