How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Worries
So, I just want to say that my relationship has been great so far. Though it's only a short relationship so far, (6 months) I have never felt so happy in my entire life and my boyfriend says the same. I have a lot of faith in our relationship. We know each other thick & through, and we have so much fun together. We have arguments and disagreements as anyone does, but they always end in kisses, hugs, and I love you's.
I don't need anyone to keep telling me that you need at least a year of living together to get married, or at least a year dating to live together. We aren't rushing into these things, but we want them and know to wait until we are stable with money and have more figured out. Some couples just can know, and we feel we do.
My problem is what I worry about. I know it's not possible to know whether a relationship will last til death, or for 5 years, or for 27 years... But even though I feel like so far we're making the right moves, down the line how can I make sure we both still want this? We have said we will always love one another, but that can change. I'm so worried one say he or I will wake up and say "I don't love you anymore."
The thought terrifies me. I hate dating, but he made me want to again, but with him. He's my exception. I feel like I am his also.
How can I make sure we stay together? And even though maybe it can't be 100%, what are some ways to keep this going as happy as we currently are.
This paranoia I can't shake. :(
Thank you for reading.
This is a great question!
First of all, I'm glad you're thinking this way. Many people today (particularly women) have a sense of entitlement when it comes to relationships. They expect and demand and never consider their own investments at all. Every faction of modern society is telling women that they "deserve" to have what they want and none are telling them they have to earn first to deserve.
Well, except for me.
Therein lies your answer. Consider what makes your relationship great right now. It's because you both are "other-focused". By that I mean you are looking at the other and working to make sure that they are getting what they want and need. After all, if you didn't that person would eventually go find someone else that understands this.
Today we have notions like "I'll trust/love/respect/etc. you when you do what makes me trust/love/respect/etc. you". That's not at all how good relationships work. It's also not how they last. The fascinating thing is; I can tell you which relationships are most likely to last based exclusively on this very factor.
All of these points (trust, love, respect) come from exactly the same place - inside first. They aren't something that anyone else can make you feel or "be". For example, you "trust" other people not based on what they do. You trust them based on your own ability to deal with unwanted outcomes.
When you're walking down the street with your purse in your hand you "trust" others not to steal it from you. When you worry, you draw your purse closer to you and hold on even more. Your trust is based on your own ability (and of course, belief) to not have your purse stolen by someone else. This is also true of respect and love.
Thus, the first part of your answer comes from within yourself. When you trust that you are giving your boyfriend everything he wants and needs, you never feel worried that he will just disappear one day. He won't.
Right now, you're spending a great amount of your time trying to figure out just what he wants and needs. You are talking to him. You are watching him. You are feeling him, etc. You're using all the tools in your kit to figure out what he wants and to try to know what makes him happy - and thus, makes him secure.
The second part of your answer is in the delivering of these things. In other words, trying to become (to him) the woman he wants and needs you to be. You and he can talk all day long about whether he's (or for that matter, you) "happy". He can tell you "yes" but you know that's a very simplistic answer. There are often many layers of complexity below it.
On the other hand, when you know what he wants and needs and seek to deliver it, you never have to worry about the words themselves. You become confident he's happy because he shows you, tells you and makes you feel it even without you having to ask him.
The third part of your answer comes from your experience of him doing the same thing for you. When he's so concerned that he's going to not get all those wonderful things that he makes sure you have everything you want and need in return, you know he's committed to giving them to you.
You're right - nobody can predict what will happen in 5 years or 25 years, but that's not really the point. You want to "grow through" the changes and times. Focus on being happy (together) now and on continuing to grow but be in the moment with what you have now. It'd be a shame to worry over losing what you have only to ignore the exact secret you need to keep it.
So, to summarize, your answer comes in 4 parts:
1) Focus on what he wants and needs.
2) Become the woman that delivers this to him.
3) Watch his signals about returning the same to you (if it changes or stops, it likely means you've missed something).
4) Be present and joyous at what you have - and where you're going.
If you do these things, your paranoia is going to just fade away - because you simply won't need it any more.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”