How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Want to be married

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Question
Hello,

I am suffering from a social stigma. I am a single, 52 year old woman with no children. I want to be married. I am having trouble attracting men who want the same thing. The few relationships I have had seem to be very long term (20 years, 15 years). Before the current one, I was in a six month relationship with a 40 year old man who passed away. Eight months ago, I met a 66 year old man in church. He has 5 children, 30 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. Instant connection was formed. He even said he wanted to "court" me, implying he was serious and the relationship would lead to marriage.
Well, he asked me to move in his house after about 4 months to help with my college expenses until I graduate from nursing school this May. Due to our age and our premise for starting the romance, I figured that this would not be another 20 year love affair. So, I broached the subject on where our relationship was headed after I graduated. He just about blew up. Said that he would not be rushed into marriage, but if that is what I wanted, then he wouldn't stand in my way.

He has already been married 3 times. His first ex-wife has been very prevalent at social functions. I have been very sad about this, but he says I need to "grow up." Also, I shared with him that I was really unhappy about not being able to have children and he said that it was probably my fault and that I should not be mad at God for this. I admit I have some immaturity, but I haven't really had a lot of positive life experiences. I am so different than most women and in addition, the social stigma that I am experiencing from never having children or a marriage makes it difficult to confide in the church. Everyone I talk to just thinks something is wrong with me.

I thought this guy was "the one." Now we are barely speaking. Like he is just biding his time until I just get out of his house.

Dr. Neder, I feel like I cannot attract anyone. Is there anything I can do to turn this relationship around? Or should I give up on trying to have a committed relationship at my age?

Answer
Hello Phyllis!

First you shouldn't give up on having what you want although you may need to adjust it somewhat.

Second, stop talking to other people about your situation (kids, etc.) and even more so, stop listening to them! They haven't walked in your shoes and don't have to make the choices you've made in your life. They have to make their own and have no perspective whatsoever to judge what you've done. In fact, there is something wrong with them.

Regarding your current relationship; you haven't told me what the actual problem is other than the fact that you're not talking any more. Don't you think those details are a little important to helping you??

Part of the problem here is that you're making marriage the goal. It's not and as long as you keep thinking that way you're always going to be chasing it. Stop and think about this for a minute: would you really want to be married and miserable? Imagine being married to this current guy for example. You wouldn't be happy at all.

The point is this: the "goal" isn't marriage, it's having a solid, happy, loving relationship! That's what you're not seeing here. You look at all the other peripheral things (like ex-wives) and aren't focusing on what's really important.

Obviously you need to talk to the guy you're living with and get things sorted out. But before you do that stop and consider what you really want - NOT marriage but in the form of your relationship. What and how will you be happy. It's NOT being married, trust me.

When you get that figured out then you can have a real talk with this guy and figure out if he can even give that to you. If you both agree that he can then your real work begins. The next step isn't to try to get him to marry you at all. It's to figure out what he wants and needs in order to be compelled to marry you - and then to become that woman to him; or to the guy you find that can make you happy. When you do that and he's absolutely terrified of losing you, not only will you be married, you'll have that incredible relationship that is far more important.

Your problem has absolutely nothing to do with stigma. It has everything to do with your own marketing!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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Numerous boards and commissions, civic organizations, etc.

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Thousands of websites, magazines, radio and TV.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

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