How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Can't find my prince in a sea of frogs
Hi Rhapsody. I am a 28 year old female who's been struggling with bad luck with men. I started seriously dating at 19(too young apparently) and after dating two horrible choices(one cheated left and right and the other became more of a lazy roommate I occasionally slept with) I became more aware of what I want in a man. So that's not my issue. The problem is finding one who isn't the "smoked mirror" type. The type who pretends to be everything you are looking for, but on a dime at some point you discover they were nothing in your list... Alot of men go after me because I have a very sexy figure(not tooting my own horn because I think I am ugly anyway). And I stay away from those types. But I will occasionally meet a guy, we'll have great conversations and boom, a few days later I find out he's A) Only looking for sex, B) trying to actually get with a friend through me, or C) NOT SINGLE!! I have gone on some blind dates, only to be stood up. That is a terrible recurring blow to my already lacking self esteem. I became a introvert as a result of emotional illness(dysregulation, anxiety and depression) and resorted to online dating. But that's where I met the worst of men. Now I have given up. And everyone says, once I give up, Love will find me instead... lies, I've been single now for 3 years.
I work part time, but it's night shift, and it has reduced my social life to zip. I do not drink or do party like scenes so going out to a bar or club are no no zones(plus I got roofied once while with my brother!!) I've tried a few YMCA activities, but I would quickly find... I am apparently not easy to be around... even if I act happy, bubbly and make everything as fun as possible. I do not talk about myself much, mostly because nothing is to be said without mentioning my emotional problems. I am a great friend, but only when someone wants something from me, then everyone can give two nickels about me. I have tried support groups, only to find out there was nothing fun or supportive about them, they just made me feel worse, like there was never any hope.
My best friend(who is an ex) and mother says there is nothing wrong with me. I am a sweet, cute, quirky girl with alot to offer... but no one takes time and accepts the flaws I come with. I feel very hopeless.
I believe alot of my problems is 1) there just aren't any men in my criteria left, 2) I am truly detestable(I feel anyway) and 3) No one knows how to work on relationships anymore.
I have followed every advice I get. Love myself(I may not like who I am, but I very content with my personality, interests and soul) I am not desperate, but no one likes being alone. I don't take bread crumbs. And finally, I stopped looking. Nothing works... it only seems to make me more alone... All I have is my best friend and my mother... I feel pathetic and terrible.
How do I find the man of my dreams when I have done practically everything already?!
I'm sorry you're having such a problem, but it's not that unusual. My daughter actually did the "give up and love will find you" and it worked for her, but she had an active social life and went to clubs, especially karaoke places, which is where she found her hubby. They knew each other for a couple months before dating, though, and then waited ~6 mos. before living together, and another ~5 yrs. before marriage. I think she made a wise choice to do it that way.
Is there anything other than being alone that you don't like about who you are? Some therapy around that issue wouldn't hurt. I believe in active therapy that's very short-term by reading books about self esteem and similar issues and using those things (and things that are happening in your life that are related) to have an active conversation with a therapist. I'm not one, but I did that and it was very successful for me. I also keep a therapist whom I know in my address book in case I have deep feelings I need to share that I can't talk over with any success with anyone else. At times it's hard to really see yourself and figure out why you're stuck.
Have you tried agencies? I've heard great things about them. Of course, I've heard some bad things, too, but there are so many variables in people that it can be hard to find that perfect match. You need some new places to look.
Since you sound depressed about it, I suggest trying your best (even self-hypnosis / self-talk if necessary) to change your attitude about finding a mate. I think it's best to go into dating with the idea of meeting people who can become friends and who may turn into something more, but first you need friends that can help you develop a social life where you can meet a variety of men or use the events as ways to get to know one friend at a time better. Life is an adventure.
I understand your work schedule makes it difficult, but an agency can help you find someone who has a similar schedule. Meetup.com has public gatherings around similar interests where you might be able to make good friends. Then good friends can become someone you can confide in about your dating dilemma and they might be able to help introduce you to someone.
Religious organizations are another possibility; if you don't want a "religious" guy, try a Unitarian Universalist congregation and again, once you get to know people, you can share that you're looking for a serious relationship with a man and they might introduce you to men they know who don't attend.
There are lots of possibilities. Do something nice for yourself to get our of your funk and refresh yourself before you get back in the game. You are a lovable person and you need to feel lovable to convince someone else you're deserving of their affection.
I do think you'll find the man of your dreams.
All the best to you!