How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/is this true

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QUESTION: Do all guys only want to be with someone who is happy and doesn't need any emotional support?

There is a song by "Neo" and in it he says something like he knows there is a lot of pain behind your eyes and he is going to love you until you learn to love yourself but I saw a Jeff Probst show once and the man relationship expert says you need to love yourself first because a guy won't want you if you don't. And the women relationship expert said that you should just get out there and the right guy will find you and make you feel good.

I want someone to make me feel good.

ANSWER: Hello Lauren!

No, that's not true at all. Every man (just like every woman) is different. Some guys can't handle women's vastly-wavering emotions. They only want someone that is happy all the time. Other guys realize that this is a dream. Everyone (even men) are happy sometimes and sad at others. They get angry and insecure and judgmental and suspicious, etc.

I also don't buy into anything Neo or either of these so-called "experts" said. This is all "feel-good", overly simplistic "advice" designed to sell songs and shows.

As to wanting someone who makes you feel good, that's fine. Everyone wants that. The question however isn't what you want, it's what you have to offer. What features, values and benefits do YOU have to offer some guy who will turn around and help you feel good?

Consider this little fact of life: it's nobody's job; not your parents, not your boyfriend, not your friends, not your teachers or pastor or politician or doctor to make you "feel good". It's exclusively YOUR job - and your job alone. You can't pawn it off on anyone else because every waking moment of their lives are built around trying to make themselves feel good.

People who get this fact tend to be the happiest, most well-adjusted individuals on the planet. They don't go looking for people to make them feel good. They work on feeling good themselves and then bringing that value to others - which just so happens to attract others who feel good with and about themselves. This then becomes a snowball rolling downhill. They all start feeling even better about themselves, others and the world around them.

Men absolutely want women who are fun and easy to get along with. Men generally avoid drama and problem-loaded people - just like you do.

Thus, rather than looking for someone to make you happy. Work on becoming happy FIRST and you'll attract people who; like you, want to make sure you stay that way - because it makes them feel good too.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Neder,

I appreciate your response to my previous question.

As a follow-up I think I need to clarify what I really want to ask.
My current boyfriend hurts me emotionally. But it hurts a lot more knowing that I am with someone who isn't connecting with me. I know who I am and what I need to be happy. He doesn't laugh at the same things as I do and is often too serious in general. There is a lot to it that I just don't have the energy to explain right now but he isn't making me happy. Even a stranger or a sales person can make me smile and I see their personable side and their wanting others to smile and be happy helps the person to do that. My boyfriend doesn't do that and that is why I say I want someone that makes me happy.

Why wouldn't I want someone that makes me happy. Of course I want to make them happy too and this is part of being in relationships and just socializing in general. At least from my point of view. But you say that people want to make themselves happy and don't care about making others happy? Isn't love wanting to wipe away another's sadness. Of course I need my sadness from my boyfriend to vanish. When I break up with him I want someone to be who he wasn't. I wish for someone that would never want to hurt me or see me cry. Do you think what I am saying could happen?

Thanks,
Lauren

Answer
Hello again Lauren!

Let's say that you and I live on an old fashioned farm with a well and one of those manual pumps with a handle and spout to get water. So, I say, "Hey Lauren - go get some water from the well". You pick up a bucket and head off to get water.

When you get there you put the bucket under the spout and say, "Ok Mr. Pump, as soon as you give me some water, THEN I'll start pumping you". And there you wait until we both die of thirst.

Lauren, that's EXACTLY what you're doing with your relationship(s)! You're waiting for it to make you happy before you're willing to do the work to get it.

Do you also walk into dark rooms waiting for the lights to go on before you'll flip the switch? Do you go to a job interview and start by asking what they'll pay you and only then will decide if you'll do any work and how much? Do you expect a car to drive you to the gas station before you'll put any gas in it?

Get this through your head: it's not your boyfriend's job to make you happy any more than it is for him to make you sad. That's not what love is at all. Love is about being happy and being worthy of love from others and thus, sharing it. That comes from inside - not outside. Nobody is going to be waiting in the wings to step up to make you happy until YOU find your happiness FIRST.

Now, I'll say this: some men will TELL YOU that they'll do this and some of those guys even believe it, but trust me, they can't and won't deliver - not in the long term. They simply can't. No individual has enough reserve in their tank to be the constant giver. They have to refill that tank sometimes too and they do that on your happiness as well.

When you come to relationships "wanting"; meaning you don't have anything to give, you simply bleed the people you're around dry and never really get your fill. Thus, you blame THEM for not "making you happy" or whatever. They move on to find their own happiness and learn a valuable lesson - to stop dealing with people that are needy and find people who already are full like they are.

Am I getting through to you here? Does this make sense?

If your relationship is causing you pain and you don't see a way to change that, end it and get that time back to work on finding what fulfills you. Then, FIND IT! When you do, go back out and find others who feel the same way and you'll all have an abundance of happiness to go around. When someone is down, you'll have a full tank to help them get started again. When you're running low, they'll share some of theirs with you too.

Don't try to operate on empty and hang around others with the same emptiness. You'll just be another emotional zombie in an emotional zombie pack roaming the planet looking for someone to fill you up without having anything to offer back.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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Numerous boards and commissions, civic organizations, etc.

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Thousands of websites, magazines, radio and TV.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

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