How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/I feel so used...
My boyfriend of 8 years, met a woman and within 3 months they were married. He told me he was going to tell me after the fact. We own a business together (a restaurant) He is the chef and I work in front. He brought this woman, who incidentally needed a green card, to work as a waitress. She befriended me, I helped train her. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. Our business is suffering because he doesn't work anymore, he just does the minimum. I feel so confused and abandoned. She is 37 and I am 48. I have to see this man and I've decided to forgive and try to move on. I have suffered the ultimate betrayal and I need advice on how to fix myself, how to care for my fragile frame of mind. How do I trust again? How to restart at this age. I gave this man 8 years of my life. I can't sleep or eat very much. My heart aches terribly.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Let's see if I can help:
You're asking me about how to trust someone else again, but the very question itself is the problem. You're asking it as though someone else is in control of your ability to trust. That's just not the case. You're ability (and frankly, willingness) to trust someone is based entirely on you.
Consider this: let's say that you had to go out of town and took a plane. Before hand, you asked your ex if he'd be willing to pick you up at the airport when you came back and he said, "yes".
Question: would you "trust" him to pick you up?
What if you get to the restaurant one day and realize that you're out of rolls. So, you call him (as he's on his way in) and ask him to pick some up. He says, "yes".
Do you "trust" him to bring in the rolls?
Of course you do - to both questions. Why? Simple: because if he doesn't show up at the airport you could easily call someone else or get a cab. If he doesn't bring in the rolls you can go get them yourself, etc.
My point here is that you feel betrayed but that's not the same thing as trusting someone. You don't have to stop feeling betrayed to trust anyone as long as you trust YOURSELF to do what you have to do and to make good decisions about things. You want to put a lot of your own best interests into someone else's hands when in fact you need to keep them for yourself.
Over an 8-year period you're going to give away a lot more than you would with someone you just started dating. However, if you focus on your own strength and being present while being open to possibilities you're not really going to have any problems trusting anyone. You'll be able to invest those 8 years of experience into something even better.
Your life (and love) are about what's going to happen - not what you're leaving behind.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”