How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/I'm 55 but don't look it.

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QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder.
I never thought I would be in this situation.
I always had men all over the place, I was still a virgin until I graduated, I was very chesty and thin and everyone thought I was loose.
I have travelled all my life, first with my parents from England and lived in many exotic countries and then went my own direction. I always thought there would be someone better at the next place etc.. I have been married once with no kids, and I worked at Playboy casino in Atlantic City and other resorts and casino's, lived in Hawaii many years. Now that I'm in great shape I feel invisible. People think I'm much younger since I'm very athletic. I don't like to tell people much about where I've lived etc, It makes me sound stuck up. I don't smoke or drink, am really easy to talk to, outgoing..I don't know how to meet men anymore. I am not just into looks, but the men that respond to me on line, look like they are old enough to be my grandfather. I am not mean, I have empathy for people and am kind, I'm a nurse and like to take care of people, it's almost co-dependent. I feel like I'll be alone, I don't want to just settle. Men want young good looking women, why do they let themselves go so badly? I know there are diseases and meds affect a lot, but I cannot believe the ages and handicaps. I love to camp, ski, ride, fly.. I don't have a lot of money..I've lived a pretty full life.. and paid my way. I just want to meet a nice funny guy who is not ready to go into a home.
Sorry I know that sounds mean. Men want us to all look like magazine models, I haven't met one yet who is honest. Thank you for listening. I live in a small town..

ANSWER: Hello Lesley!

I'm sorry you're having all of this trouble finding and meeting someone. It's no consolation, but I hear this A LOT from women as they reach their 40's and beyond.

Here's the very bad news however: you are your own worst enemy in meeting someone. You have absolutely unreasonable standards (although they don't seem unreasonable to you) are inflexible, lack experience and skill and have a huge entitlement mentality.

Most of the things you list here don't add to your value at all - they take away from it. Yet, you spout them to me as though they are assets. What this tells me is that you have absolutely no clue what men want or need. What you DO know however is what you THINK men want and need.

There is the disconnect - and it's huge.

As long as you expect the world to work a certain way where it actually operates differently how are you ever going to reconcile those differences and overcome them? Answer: you won't.

At least 4-5 times every single week I talk to women in your EXACT same situation. They all do what you're itching to do right now: write to me and tell me how wrong I am about you, your beliefs, men, the world, relationships, etc., etc.

No Lesley, I'm not. The people who I help get over this have to break out of all those ridiculous patterns and beliefs and start seeing reality. The good news however is:

1) It's not really that hard to do - if you'll only let yourself do it; and,
2) Changing your values will dramatically change your situation.

The unfair reality is that youth, looks and health are women's "dating currency". Men's on the other hand are power, confidence and success. Whereas the former wains with age the latter grows. However, even that isn't really a barrier to find a happy, healthy relationship.

The key is in your overall attitude.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for being brutally honest. I have been in therapy for a while, and can you give me a clue on what men are really looking for? I don't feel comfortable asking men what they want, or how to go about dating at this age. Do I not tell people much about anything in my past and just figure at my age that this is what happens to women of a certain age? I feel like I come off as a total A hole. I guess I used to have confidence and now it's gone. My Dad always told me, no one will want you after you're 40. I never believed it. I'd be happy in a log cabin up in the woods, with the right guy. I know you are not my therapist, but any info to not be such a total dweeb, jerk whatever...? thank you... Lesley Stewart

Answer
Hello again Lesley!

That's a pretty large question that doesn't have a single, exact answer. I've written many articles on this subject and work with my clients about these things in their online profiles and even attitudes.

To begin, it might be good to see how men view your statements (above) and I'll bet most if not all of these are included right on your online profile. Your dad didn't tell you this specifically, but trust me, he saw it just as I (and other men) have:

"...virgin until I graduated..." - to you this likely means you were disciplined and focused, but to men it means that you didn't work on your sexuality, skills and may be carefully guarded about sex. Either way, getting involved with you means constantly fighting just to have any sort of sex life that isn't exactly what YOU want it to be - if you want it to be at all.

"...traveled all my life...", "...lived in many exotic countries..." - this tells men that they are going to have to fund your continued nomadic lifestyle and they'll just be along for the ride - and paying all the (expensive!) bills.

"...very athletic..." - "gym-rat".

"...I don't smoke or drink..." - "I'm overly controlled and (likely) controlling and have a hard time letting loose. I'm not able to let loose and have any real fun that doesn't fit with my own exact idea of it."

"...I'm not just into looks..." - I'm HUGELY into a man's looks - and youth and likely money and status and, power, dress, etc...

"...I'm almost co-dependent..." - I'm terribly co-dependent, needy, clingy and have huge expectations and if a guy doesn't let me do things MY way (regardless of what HE wants or needs) then HE'S the jackass.

"...I don't want to settle..." - if you're not [insert LOOONNNNGGGG list here], don't bother applying.

I understand this your points here. These are things you want in men too. Thus, you assume men must want them in women. No, we don't. We interpret things very differently than you do. You don't mean these things as I've described them, but that's exactly how men see and hear you. It doesn't make much difference by the way whether you put them in your online bio or say them in person. We absolutely pick these things up. We've learned the hard lesson to listen for them.

Now, here's the tragic thing: men want most of the same things you do. They want you to bring these things rather than to come looking for the guys to "flip the switch" for you. Further, we mostly have far, far shorter lists than you do.

One of the first things I do with people (particularly women - usually about 80-90%) is to take these loooonnnnnnggggggg lists of "must haves" and pare them down to something manageable - no more than 5. ("Holy crap Doc - ONLY FIVE!!!!?????") Those are then added to the obvious ones like "must not be a serial killer" and "must not be married". Then we view the rest as "nice to have but not critical".

For instance, I have just 3 things I look for in women I date more than a couple of times! That's it - 3 things! That's all she has to have - along with not pulling any number of "Dumb Girl Games" with me, like not returning phone calls, acting aloof, etc. - all those things that Cosmo tells you is the "...Way to a Man's Heart...", etc.

This is where "settling" comes in. Lesley, I'm sorry to tell you a very real fact that women are constantly being lied to about these days...yes, you DO have to "settle". You DO have to make choices and compromises - just like us guys have to. Interestingly, very few of my male clients don't already know this. Us guys spend a great deal of our waking lives settling. That's just the way the world is. I'm sorry to tell you that; regardless of what the agenda-based crowd wants you to believe, you WILL have to settle for some things - maybe many things. That's not my rule. It was here way, way before I arrived.

However, when you accept that fact it helps you to focus on what's really important. I'm glad you're attractive and healthy. Those are really important things, but by themselves, they aren't enough. They may open doors for you, but they won't keep them open. Instead, it's all the other things that (frankly) are far more important that actually makes men fall in love with a woman.

For example, we want (and secretly covet) the "fun chick". This is the girl ("girl" by attitude, age is irrelevant) who isn't so tightly wound, controlling, demanding or needy that she can't let go and have (and be!) fun. We can bring her around our friends and not be constantly worried about saying or doing the "wrong thing" to set her off.

We want a girl who really knows and understands her own sexuality - because she's worked on it. Lesley, I'm sorry to tell you the VAST majority of girls don't do this! According to my own research and that of a large number of studies done around the world this represents only about 12% of the female population! Yes, almost 80% of women THINK they are this girl - and are not.

We want a girl who is a cheerleader for us and what we do, think and "are" - just as we have to be for you. The sad fact is that today, so few women can even let themselves go long enough to discover ANYTHING about the guys they date (beyond how much money they make, how old they are and if THEY "measure up") that they just don't know enough to be proud of that guy. They expect (believe they are entitled) to the "trophy guy" because they are constantly bombarded with media messages to that effect. They expect him to do all the heavy lifting in the support, consideration and giving department and ONLY IF he "measures up" then, maybe - just maybe - she'll return a little (usually far too little) support and added value.

Guys want a girl who is good at what she does. While all you ever hear about are guys who are the opposite, in fact, we DO want and need to feel proud of you. We want to make a big deal about you - WHO you are, not just how many "exotic countries" you've been to and how many expensive restaurants you've eaten at.

One more point to consider: after the age of 45 (or so) your success at online dating beings to drop off. There are a number of reasons for this, but suffice it to say that online may not be your best choice. Learning to meet (and yes, approach - yikes!) guys in real life is not only the far better choice, but frankly, far more fun - when you learn how to do it. Women have more tools to do this than successfully us guys do!

Lesley, that's a long and sadly incomplete answer to a very complicated question. Hopefully it gives you a beginning to work with.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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Numerous boards and commissions, civic organizations, etc.

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Thousands of websites, magazines, radio and TV.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

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