How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/How to approach him


QUESTION: Hi Dr. Dennis!
I would like to start off by saying that Iím a 21 year old girl who suffers from social anxiety and Iíve never had a boyfriend, a date or anything of the sort. Because of this I never approach the guys Iím interested in (and if I do itís in a really awkward way) and itís killing me! Iíve had my eye on a really cute, smart and (apparently) kind guy at college these last few months and I have no idea of how to approach him without messing everything up and looking like a creep.

We used to be in the same class but the only things I achieved were ask him random questions about class and just sit behind him every day. Of course he never seemed one bit interested in me. I only got from him a small smile with my awkwardness, and him telling the assistant professor that if I had any questions he should help me first instead of him and the "privilege" of him sitting beside me on the last day of the semester when every other seat in the row was free and his annoying friend was nowhere to be seen. Thatís just about it...and it sucks.
The thing is now I only get to see him in the hallways, and ALWAYS surrounded by his friends. I really doubt he remembers me, so I canít just go up to him and say hi all of a sudden. Another thing is Iím terrified of making eye contact with him when heís around his friends! I know that with some effort I might be able to pull it off, but eye contact alone will get me nowhere and time is running out. So I guess my question is: How can I approach him in a more subtle way? Or at least in a way that wonít make me so nervous.

Iím aware that this is just some silly infatuation, but he seems like such a nice guy and I canít help but think that I didnít even get to know him, and that I didnít let him get to know me (the story of my life, haha). I just want to somehow have a conversation with him and finally decide if I could actually like him or not, and see if he could get to like me at least as a friend.
Please help me think of ways to approach him; I would appreciate it SO much!

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

(In case youíre wondering, Iím already saving money to finally go see a therapist and get treatment for my social anxiety!)

ANSWER: Hello Regina!

First off, I have to congratulate you for taking the steps you have. Nobody (male or female) likes being rejected and everyone is on-guard. At least you're trying to change things. Good for you!!

Here's the problem you're facing: so far, you've spent your entire life practicing being awkward and uncomfortable rather than practicing the steps you need to get over all of that. Now, you find some guy you like and don't have all those baby-steps behind you in order to move things along.

In effect, you want to go from zero to relationship without any experience in between. You can see the problem here.

Let's talk just a moment about social anxiety and shyness.

When you're with your family are you socially anxious? What about when you're with your friends or talking to someone about something you know very, very well. Are you shy then?

Of course not.

You see, you actually use the idea of social anxiety to prevent yourself from moving forward. You use it as an excuse as to why things aren't going your way. That's not a critique by the way, it's an observation - an important one. You get to choose how you deal with any situation. You can choose to be shy, but you can also choose to be bold and direct and even to be proud of yourself for doing so!

Being shy keeps you in your own head. You can't be shy when you're thinking about others. There's just no room for these conflicting thoughts. Thus, part of the key is to focus on being in someone else's head and that's actually pretty easy to do.

For instance, if you just allowed yourself to think, "Hey! He'd really like it if I just said hello to him and smiled!" Guess what happens? You can't focus on being socially awkward, you have to focus on the delivery instead - his "benefit" which equates (by the way) to your "value".

So, imagine walking passed him in the hallway one day and just saying "hi" and flashing him a pretty smile. That's it. Nothing more. It's pretty low-risk, right? This isn't some violent crime. You're just reaching out to another human being and giving him a little gift.

Now, the first time or two you do that, he's not going to react because; let's face it, he's in his OWN head - not in yours. But, eventually, he's going to see it as normal. Soon after that he'd be surprised if he didn't see you and get a nice "hi", right?

Look at how far you've come! These are baby-steps but they can lead to so much more. Get out of your own head and into other's.


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and ďLove and SexĒ
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & IIIĒ

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm aware that I use social anxiety as an excuse but I just don't know how to stop it! You know what I mean?
So I guess saying hi and smiling at him could really help me get some practice but... there's one more thing I'd like to ask: As a college guy, wouldn't you find it creepy or odd that a random girl smiles at you in the hallway? Wouldnt it be too awkward? (or seem stalker-ish? Hahaha)

Hello again Regina!

You can only keep one thought in your head at a time. Up until now you've been practicing the though of being socially anxious. That's all you allow yourself and thus, you think you can't stop it. In fact, you can.

Every single time you start allowing yourself to feel shy, get the discipline to stop yourself and say, "No, I deserve something better in my life!" Then, think of the best outcome you could possibly get and focus on that. Allow yourself the reward of success.

Keep in mind you can do this with anyone, anywhere. It doesn't just have to be one other human. If you get on an elevator, practice making eye contact and smiling. When you're in a store, try it with the salespeople, etc. All you need is 51% of the right action to change a lifetime of the wrong action.

No, he (or any guy) won't find this "creepy". We don't think like you girls do. This doesn't seem weird or desperate or creepy or anything like that - to us. Now, I get that if some guy did that to you, you might be put off, but guys and girls really are different.


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and ďLove and SexĒ
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & IIIĒ

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at:


I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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