How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/me and my ex boyfriend

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QUESTION: My ex boyfriend said he broke up with me because i am poisonous to his friendships with his friends. i can honestly say that i did ruin his friendship with someone i took his phone when he wasn't looking and texted his friend that was a girl and i got jealous so i texted her pretending to be him he found out yesterday and said he  can't trust is me anymore what do I say or do to prove to him that i won't do this stuff anymore and so that he actually gives me another chance with the relationship?

ANSWER: Hello Bri!

Let's start with being clear on what the issue is. This isn't about him getting angry or having friends - even if they are other girls. This is about your insecurity and your inability to control your actions.

It's important to go after the right problem if you honestly want to fix this.

One more point: there are no tricks or shortcuts or magic spells that will make him forgive you and allow you to go back to that weak, insecure girl you've been. You also aren't going to get to just claim you've fixed everything, snap your fingers and things will be ok again.

With that; here's what you have to do:

First, you've admitted what happened and that's important, but have you accepted the fact too? Many people are quick to take responsibility as a way to try to make someone think they've also changed. In fact, change and growth are very slow, painful processes. You aren't going to simply claim a mistake and in the same breath claim that you've changed - nobody (especially your boyfriend) would ever believe that.

However, you have to convince him you ARE changing. That's your second step.

Take a deep breath and calm yourself. Imagine what he must be feeling. Think about how you'd feel if you were in the same position. Those are the emotions you have to deal with in order to get his attention. You can't go to him with the fact that you're hurting. We all know that but it doesn't fix anything.

Instead, you have to actually recognize and explain to him that you really do know how he's feeling. You're going to have to explain those feelings to him in very clear language - in the language he understands - to help him see that you really DO understand. Without that, there's never going to be any growth, and trust me, he understands that too.

Next, you're going to need a plan.

This plan is about how you're going to fix this problem. You should go to this girl (his friend) and apologize for what you've done. Explain your insecurities to her too (trust me, she'll get it) and that you're working to fix that.

Explain to your boyfriend how you'll handle the next time you feel insecure or jealous. I suggest you talk to him about it and get him involved. Remember, he's not your therapist but if he believes you and accepts you back, he's going to be part of the solution here - NOT be not being friends with this girl, but by accepting that you're insecure and are working through that.

Once you've figured these things out you can go to him and explain how you're working to fix things. Ask him what else he needs to help him heal. When he tells you, really, really listen to him! Seek to understand and if you don't, ask. Remember: this isn't about you, it's about him (right?)

Finally, you can say, "So, if I can actually do these things and we can heal are you ready to try putting things back together and moving forward?" If he accepts, you absolutely ARE NOT out of the woods yet! You actually need to DO the work you've explained to him. If you don't, you'll be right back where you are now - whether with him or with someone else.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What should I say to my ex boyfriend about him giving me another chance to show him that my behavior will change but he denies it and has no confidence in me, and i just want to be able to show him that I can so that I can get another chance with this relationship?

ANSWER: Hello again Bri!

Oh, I get it. You don't want to actually change or grow or have to do any work. You just want me to give you a sure-fire script that will trick him into giving you a chance.

Seriously Bri? Seriously???

OF COURSE he has no confidence in you! That's because he knows damned well that you don't actually mean to change. It's THAT attitude you have to fix if you ever want a chance with him. It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with any script.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: so all i have to do is change my behavior for him to see in order for him to give me another chance?

Answer
Hey Bri!

No, that's another "trick". You need to change your entire attitude about this which will also then change your behavior.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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Numerous boards and commissions, civic organizations, etc.

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Thousands of websites, magazines, radio and TV.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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