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How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams/Can't love another/making a mess of my life

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I am a 53 year old woman that has been divorced for 2 years after a 23 year long cold marriage.  I became severely depressed during my separation and divorce, and counseling helped tremendously and made me realize I chose the wrong man to marry to begin with.

  During my separation I met a married man (Lou) when I was so lonely and desperately trying to find someone to talk to and we communicated constantly and we became closer than I've ever been to anyone in my life.  Lou is missing something very important in his marriage and we share a common bond of similar suffering in our youth, and our connection and our love became extremely intense for both of us.  Our true love affair lasted 4 years.  It's a love that will last a lifetime, and hurt just as long.  Our love for one another nearly killed us both, and I still cry  daily due to missing Lou so much.  Lou is a good/very sensitive and emotional man and it would kill him to hurt his wife or his children. I realize that I have never loved anyone before I met Lou.

I dated someone after I got divorced at which time Lou and I remained in contact on and off. That relationship failed due to me choosing once again "the wrong guy" (although so warm and kind and loving, he was an alcoholic, liar, etc.)
I broke up with him and kept communicating with Lou but eventually we both knew that I had to try to date again. Living without him daily is living a very cold and empty world.

Lou and I parted completely recently (we promised not to contact one another for six months) and I opened myself up to the dating world once again and immediately met a very good man that I have now been dating for two months. He is doing nothing wrong and I am trying to give it a chance but it's so empty in comparison to what I had with Lou.  I believe I will never be able to be fulfilled with anyone else due to the fact that I am so in love with Lou and he is my true soul-mate.

This new man that I am dating is a very busy and has little time for me except on weekends.  He has issues of his own including the fact that he has been divorced for seven years and still maintains constant communication with his ex-wife and he will not take me or any past woman that he dated/loved out to a place where his ex-wife might see him as he fears it would hurt her and she is mentally unstable.  I don't believe that he is capable of having a relationship with anyone that can possibly proceed to a future/marriage unless this issue is resolved and I've told him so.  The fact that he does not seem to desire to give more time to our relationship and keeps a relationship current with his ex-wife makes me feel justified in a possible future of reaching out to Lou to fill this huge void, and it would cause the pain to stop and it wouldn't hurt this new man because he doesn't want more with me or with anyone. I believe that this man is as good as any to date or have a relationship with.  I realize that many and perhaps most men or people for that matter, do not yearn for a very close relationship like I had with Lou.
 I realize that this may sound horrible, is wrong, yet in this world of non-traditional relationships perhaps it could work and not hurt anyone.

I don't believe that there is anyone else out there for me.  I met the man that I love with all my heart.  Like in the movie the Titanic, few are fortunate in life to have met their one true love.....However, I realize that I need to make a life for myself as I want to share my life with another and not be alone, and have been attempting to do that but I'm a mess.

I often think that I would be more fulfilled sharing what I had with Lou and living alone than by doing what I am doing now without Lou.  Lou and I both knew that was not possible though because loving him and having him go home to his wife while I had nothing at home was so painful..........for us both.

I've been moving ahead in my life one day at a time and trying to hold onto the belief that things will work out for the best with time.  I don't have lots of time at my age, and I just want to make sure I'm not making a mess of my life.  I would appreciate any words of advice or wisdom.  Thank you.

Answer
Hello Kim!

"... like in the movie Titanic..." You mean where the female lead wouldn't share her makeshift raft with plenty of room only to let the love of her life die instead? Actually, that sounds like the perfect analogy for your new dating life!

What in the hell is this six-month break crap all about??? Kim, seriously? That old saying, "If you love something set it free..." is about the most romantic but STUPID saying there is! Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it forget. Is that really what you're going for?

When you find something or someone that fits you fight for it. You hold on with both hands and refuse to let it go. You don't let it slide into the icy deep only to drown. You find ways to make things work and to be present and involved with it or them. You work through problems as a team and conquer them. You DO NOT throw them away to see if they'll boomerang  back to you. What happens instead is that they find another (smarter) target who knows better.

What the hell are you thinking here?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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Remington Publications
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Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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Literally, any question related to finding and meeting the man of your dreams. I am the top-rated expert in "General Dating Questions", "How to Attract the Man/Woman of your Dreams" and "Places to Meet People". In fact, over the past few years, I've answered over 32,000 letters from readers, have written over 700 articles, written numerous books, recorded CD's and DVD's, done hundreds of radio and tv shows and have millions of readers all over the world. If your question is particularly sensitive you can also write to me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I've written many books on every aspect of dating, sex and relationships. My new book, "How Women Can Approach Men" is already quickly becoming one of our best-sellers! Women have many tools at their disposal and shouldn't have to wait for "Mr. Right" to come along! After reading some of the advice the women in this section are getting from other women, I think it's a good idea to offer a man's perspective.

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