Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 10/27/2007

Question
Is it unrealistic to try and remain friends with a man I once dated? His girlfriend hates me and she convinced him to not be friendly to me or give me a birthday card. This really hurt my feelings. He said he doesn't want to be this way but his girlfriend insists. I think that it was a mistake to try and talk to the girlfriend. This seems to have made things worse. I was in a bad mood one evening and I got angry with him and I said "let me know when you get some balls." I know that this was wrong and he stopped e-mailing me. I apologized and we are now at the point where he will forward a joke every couple of months or so and he will still occasionally respond to my e-mails. I'm so confused. I'm an emotional idiot and I've made many mistakes. I haven't e-mailed in a month and it has been absolute torture for me. Most people would tell me to get a life and move on. I have a hard time hiding the fact that I'm hurt (I see him and his girlfriend every week at rehearsals for a group we belong to). Seeing him every week is torture for me. I try really hard, but I just can't hide how hurt I am. He knows that I'm hurt but he says that this is just the way it is. Why am I such a mess over losing someone I considered a friend? I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't know if it's a mistake to forward jokes to him or send a friendly e-mail. What effect does it have on a man when he gives in to his girlfriends demands? He says that he gives in to her to avoid arguments or so she doesn't get pissed off at him. I didn't handle this situation gracefully or in a mature manner. I apologized, but I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do. I admit that it was nice to have someone listen to me. He always responded to my e-mails, no matter how annoying they were. Why can't I let go?

Answer
Well, it' hard to let go of relationships that were once good.  It's a personal decision, but once having dated someone and hem oves on to someone else, you are not going to get what you had before.  It he gets involved with another woman, that's where the energy is going, and, as he has demonstrated (and there's no way to cushion this blow for you), his new girl friend is now#1 priority.  And you are not.

As you know (now if not before) when you can't hold your temper and say things like "let me know when you get some balls." -- you are going to lose.  I think you might benefire from my EQ course about managing emotions. www.susandunn.cc/EQcourse.htm , or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.
Another hard thing to stomach is that it is not really your busines what effect it has on THIS man when he gives into his girlfriends ... but that's kind of what it's all about.  I think they do it for the reasons he mentions.  Guys are pretty direct about this sort of thing.  This also means that he now puts her first.

Why can't you let him go?  Well, personally I think "cold turkey" is the way to go, but not everyone agrees with me.  You know, just cut it off.  You aren't getting what you want out of this, and you won't, and yet you keep trying.  If your girlfriend told you that,what would you sayu!

You almost have to put a rubber band on your wrist and slap yourself every time you think of them.  Eventually it will fade.  In the meantime, it isn't them ost pleasant thing in the world.  

I wish you luck in moving on.  I would say you are trying to get blood out of a turnip.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

email:  sdunn@susandunn.cc

I know lots of couples who continue on emailing the jokes.  It tapers off.  It seems to be a good way to ease feelings on both sides - after all you once were #1 to each other, so it just isn't easy.