Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/22/2007

Question
Hi i am 23 and have a male friend who is a few years older than me when we are together we can have a really good laugh and get on brilliantly . The problem is i fell in love with him a few years ago i have never said any thing to him and dont want to spoil our friendship i dont know if he feels the same or not i dont think he thinks of me in that way i thought about dropping little hints or flirting with him but i dont know how i dont want to lose him as a friend but i want more

Answer
Hi Sam,

If there's one truth in this world it is this:  If the man wants "more" in a relationship, he will go for it -- no matter his age, "shyness," your situation, your attitude, your marital state, the nature of your current 'relationship,' or anything else.  

I don't know if you are male or female, it doesn't matter, but this situation you describe takes places in offices all across the nation every day -- she's in love with her boss (or co-worker) and doesn't know...she thinks he does nothing because it's work, he's married, blah blah ...

Since I get to hear from so many people, here's how it works and these happen to be true stories with names changed,except for the last one.

1.  Mary wanted a divorce.  She went to Tom, a married divorce lawyer for professional help.  Tom said, within 10 mins. and to her utter surprise:  "I'm referring you to someone else because I want to date you."

2.  Shereen was seeing a psychologist for whatever (in one of those states where you can 'date' a client once they aren't your client).  In the third session he told her he was referring her to someone else because he wanted to date her.  (He is the ethical type.)  

3.  Nancy had been in love with her boss, Larry, for 3 months, but #1, he was married, and #2, she needed her job and the policy manual said ...  In the 4th month, Larry asked her out on a date with direct innuendo.  Nancy said "What about my job?"  Larry said, "What about your job?"

4.  Alicia is happily married.  She also can't stand  a certain male client who had done some clumsy flirting.  She ignored him.  She managed to be away when she knew he was coming, assigned her part of the contract to her partner, wouldn't answer the phone if she knew it was he.  Alicia had given him no encouragement, in fact quite the opposite.  He tracked down her home phone number and asked her out.

5.  Dr. John put the move on Sandra during a physical exam.  

6.  Bill Clinton, married and the president, had an intern ...

Unethical or ethical, disgusting or classy, appropriate or walking the line, interested in marriage or just sex, men don't let the grass grow under their feet when they want to "date" a woman.  They aren't shy about it (no matter how timid they appear in other situations), they don't care if the woman is married or they have a fiduciary relationship with her, they don't care about the policy manual or they get around it, and they don't care whether they are currently "friends", work colleagues, in direct work competition, or anything else.  They could care less about "hints," "encouragement," or "flirting."  

THAT'S WHY WE SOMETIMES CALL THEM "CLUELESS", BTW.  

If he wanted something different with you, you would know it because he would take action.  

(Incidentally, I have also heard from women who did take action with a guy like the one you describe, and got the guy to marry them, and down the line it doesn't work out.  If he'd been interested and male, he would've taken action.  If he didn't, but gave in, the woman is some kind of consolation prize, duty, last resort or something else you don't ever want to be; or, he's nuts.)

Word -- when a man wants something, he takes action, and you don't have to do a thing, except defend yourself if you don't want it.  

Enjoy the friendship and attract another male who's interested in you that way.  You'll know it by how he acts.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc