Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 6/15/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi Susan,

just found this website and I have to say it is really intersting, I love your advices.
So let`s see, maybe here`s a new situation for you and maybe some help to understand for me.

I am German and living in Germany, meeting a (black) American right now who`s a civilian contractor for the gov. over here. I think he`s a great guy with the right values and moral standards and quite a bit different to others I got to know so far.
The difficulty in this is just that this whole dating game and scene like you know it, doesn`t exist like this over here. There are no real "dates" you are asked for as a woman, not this he has to ask you on wed. for a date on sat, what you call "spur of the moment" is normality over here. Also you don`t date several people same time, that would be a big offense here.
So now meeting an American, how to act? Follow our german rules here (that I know at least) or american ones that I heard about but never really understood?
And at that, every guy that has been over here got the german rules also, so no ones knows which ones to play.

To our personal situation:
I got to know him in internet, he emailed me. A week long email friendship with a bit of flirting went on, loved his way, little bit bold and sarcastic, very self confident, just my way too. I just enjoyed our conversations (which was daily) but didn`t really plan to meet him one day, other than he, he wanted to meet me.
So after a time I was very busy and a bit stressed out and just cut our conversations for about 2 weeks, didn`t reply emails, phone calls, I anyways didn`t take this lil email romance serious and after some disappointments I may wasn`t even ready to go into something also, not sure.
He made efforts to contact me but later on I got an email from him in which he actually showed me my limits and what he thinks about my disappearing.
It wasn`t really bad but not nice either and I just told him that no one talks to me like this and this is for very sure not a way that`s working with me.
Cut again. 2 weeks later he came up again, apologized, said that he thinks we had a great connection and it would be nice if we started to talk again.
It impressed me, I became much more interested and we did. Also now I was interested too in meeting him. He wanted to spend some days with me bcos he were to go to NYC for a vacation to see his family but this was too much to me for a first meeting, also I went for a lil business trip right before and came back the day before he had to leave. He was still tryin to convince me to spend 3 or 4 days together but I didn`t agree. So we made up that he`ll pick me up from airport (in a city we both live far away from), will check in a hotel for us to spend the time before he has to leave together (the day + night). All the days before our date he was pretty unsure if I would maybe post him, he thinks i`m very unpredictable and mysterious, that`s what he calls me all the time.
We met and well, it was great. And yes, there was "more" too, very early on but he made me feel very comfortable with it while it, after it and also now, I don`t regret anything or have the feeling it ruined something between us. I mean we are mature people, I`m 38 and he`s 41.
After we departed, the thoughts in my mind started... what was that now? Did we have a good time, is this supposed to grow into something more, how will I know it? You know all this stuff for sure.
So now that I`m really interested in this man, it`s hard to stay that "naturally unpredictable & relaxed" but I`m tryin.
And like every other woman I`m also tryin to read the signs what is hard in that different dating world US/German.
In our time he said I don`t need to worry, I`d be in the best hands of whole Germany, asked me if I think I would be a good mother, told he has to do a business trip to Texas when he comes back from NYC and if I would want to come with him, not sure if he really meant it.
He made alot of compliments, said all the time that he cannot understand why a beautiful woman like me is single.
Also he told that in his career as a marine he often got deployed and it wasn`t a life situation for a serious lasting committed relationship bcos he saw how marriage/relationship/cheating problems affected the soldiers in such times and he wanted to avoid that but now these times would be over for him finally and he`s ready for more.
Also I think he wanted to communicate a subliminal message to me with telling it would be easier to spend  the next night before his flight departs early in the morning at a friends house that lives close to the other airport but this friend would date so many different women (guess a player) and that would be too much drama too him, not his style.
We departed then without any agreement when, how, if we would meet again and I just took it easily with a good mood. Now that he`s in NYC he still stays in touch via email, asking what I did the day/weekend, what`s my plans and so on. I sent him a view pictures from a nice event I attended and his first question was who was my date that took this pictures of me. *lol*
My answer was a counterquestion, if he really thinks I`m so bold to send him pic`s from a date?
So obviously he has a hard time to assess me, my character but is tryin to find it out, he also told that he really don`t knows what to expect from me and he`s tryin to get to the point in a way of half-joking and half-serious... like for example he wrote me that I better don`t be cheating on him while he is gone now.

The problem now is that I really don`t know how to react right at this point. Should I give him a bit of the security he is looking for or stay more a bit myserious to keep that spark?
I don`t want to make any mistake bcos I feel that this could lead to something really good.

I would really appreciate your advice! Thanks for reading this long novel and oh... sorry for my bad spelling! ;-)

Best regards,
Tania





ANSWER: Dear Tania,

Everybody says this to me.  I talk to people all over the world.  That it's different where they are, there is no formal dating, they can't figure it out, it's only spur-of-the-moment, it's DIFFERENT where they are ... Chinese woman tells me that American men don't have mistresses like they do in China ... LOL

There are US women saying what you say, that there is no real dating here, and that's sort of the point.  If you want marriage - you've seen who men marry.  They think they have the most gorgeous, special, unique, exceptional wife on earth, and you look at the wife and you think to yourself, "Huh?  What is so special about her?"  Well, he is special to him, because she ignored "what goes on over here" and set her own rules, and therefore ESTABLISHED herself as someone special.  She said, to many things, "this isn't working for me," with a big smile and a little flirty look, and she did not get on a plane and fly halfway across the country to jump in bed with him (like all the other women do) - even when he said to her that she is beautiful and special (like he does to all the women) and that he's not a player (which he obviously is - he just made a booty call).  He just wants her to hop on a plane and fly across the country and sleep with him.  On his schedule, of course.  

To answer your specific question  -- no, do not give him any "security."  If you want to be a wife, don't ACT LIKE a wife until you ARE a wife.  <----  But you've already done that.

Pay attention to what happened when you were' readily available and disappeared for two weeks.  You can try going back to that.  Don't answer his emails for at least 24 hours.  Don't say much when you do.  If he calls you, don't talk for more than 15 mins.  

I'll leave you with this thought:  If all the other women in Germany sat on a hot stove, would you?  

You set the rules for your own life.  

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc    


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your fast response!
"if you want to be a wife, don`t act like a wife until you are a wife" ... that was a good statement I will def keep in mind & from all I ever heard (for example reading Christian Carters ebook) it`s something that works although for me as a female it isnt really logical. I think I would never consider to marry a man that`s a unpredictable mysterium until the day of marriage and then changes into husband behaviour. ;-)

Can you please tell me where I was acting like a wife bcos you said I already did? It`s important to me to be aware of it.

As for your other advices, I guess I intuitively did exactly that, answered his email the next day even though I got it the same moment. What made him sending 2 more emails worrying if I will going to disappear again like I did in past, that`s what he wrote.
So that gives me the thought that maybe Im still not in a too bad position and not too predictable.

Thank you so much for taking the time!

ANSWER: Dear Tania,
You are welcome.  I love my work!
BTW my mother's side of the family was German.  Stolterfoht, Zeiske, etc.

if you want to be a wife, don`t act like a wife until you are a wife" ... that was a good statement I will def keep in mind & from all I ever heard (for example reading Christian Carters ebook) it`s something that works although for me as a female it isnt really logical. DON'T BE LOGICAL ABOUT MEN BECAUSE THEY ARE TRULY FROM MARS.  IT IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE, AND THE HARDEST THING TO 'GET'.  IT WILL SEEM "RUDE" TO YOU AND "IMPOLITE."

I think I would never consider to marry a man that`s a unpredictable mysterium until the day of marriage and then changes into husband behaviour. ;-)  MEN ARE NUTS, THAT'S WHY WE LOVE THEM SO MUCH :-).  AND THE POINT IS THAT HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING, SO IT'S A TEST.  I MEAN YOU CAN'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT A GUY YOU'RE CONSIDERING MARRYING, RIGHT?  TAKE YOUR TIME.  WILL HE WORK FOR YOU?  CAN HE DELAY GRATIFICATION?  CAN HE CONTROL HIS IMPULSES?  DOES HE DO WHAT HE SAYS HE WILL DO?  IS HE A WOMANIZER?  CAN HE HOLD A JOB?  DOES HE HONOR HIS OBLIGATIONS AND RESPONSIBLITIES?  IF HE SAYS HE'S COMING BACK, DOES HE COME BACK?  DOES HE CALL WHEN/IF HE SAYS HE WILL. MAKE HIM DO ALL THE WORK.  MEN VALUE WHAT THEY HAVE TO WORK FOR IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT, SO DON'T DEPRIVE HIM OF THIS.  YEAH, HE'LL GET MAD.  THAT'S FINE.  MEN GET MAD.   

Can you please tell me where I was acting like a wife bcos you said I already did? It`s important to me to be aware of it.  WIVES DO THESE THINGS:  have sex with him, cook for him, help him, pick up his laundry, go to Kinko's to email because he can't get your email from home, entertain his parents, take care of his kids, make the social arrangements so all he has to do is just show up, look after him and fuss over him, make plans for the future, plan the vacations ... you know what I'm talking about.  You should do none of those things, and the first 2 are the most important, if you want marriage.  Cooking is almost more intimate than sex to men.  Don't even boil noodles for him!  General idea -- don't give the cow away with the milk.

As for your other advices, I guess I intuitively did exactly that, answered his email the next day even though I got it the same moment. GOOD IDEA!  KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

What made him sending 2 more emails worrying if I will going to disappear again like I did in past, that`s what he wrote.  GOOD.  KEEPS HIS INTEREST AND EARNS RESPECT.  ANYTHING THAT YOU DO THAT MAKES IT EASY FOR HIM, WELL HE WILL THINK YOU ARE "EASY".  

So that gives me the thought that maybe Im still not in a too bad position and not too predictable.  GUIDELINES.  THAT'S ALL.  WORK IT OUT ON YOUR OWN, BUT KEEP YOUR HEAD ABOUT YOU.  SERVICEMEN TRAVEL ALL OVER ... AND SOMETIMES DON'T COME BACK TO THE SAME PORT TWICE.

Ultimately it will boil down to trust and respect, and you ask for that, give it, and also test for it. Notice how he respected you when you stood up for yourself. That's why we do these things.  Guys like to "hit and run".   Don't get yourself into that position.  Be easy to be with, and hard to get.  

I wish you much luck and I hope he's a good guy.  You just might need to remind him of some things from time-to-time.  LOL

Susan

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Susan you are truly great, I appreciate and enjoy your answers alot. I can tell that you must love your work by the way of your advices and I`m pretty sure you married the man of your dreams.

Ok a last question about a future situation I will surely be in and don`t know how to deal with it.
I`m very sure he wants to see me when he`s back, he already mentioned how he wants to spend time with me (and hell yeah, I want to see him too but wont act too enthusiastic about, got that). Since we are living in different cities some pretty miles away, it will be for sure a whole weekend in one of our places.
So I cannot go back as of the "sex part", I mean I cannot say "hey you know, I feel it was too early and we should stop doing that and start from new as nothing would have happened", that would be silly, right?
So I did the first mistake I cannot take back now.
But as you say the cooking part is almost more important... how do I manage to get through a whole weekend without at least we both cooking together something? That means I have to get him going for lunch and dinner all the time or how do I do it?

See how different cultures are, even the american-german one. Here you get teached all the time how a man appreaciates a woman spoiling him, cooking for him, tidy up and keep everyting clean and neat, ironing his work stuff etc. as if a man would notice on that, that you are wife material. I already got that this isnt working but makes you the nice but boring girl next door.
But my insight doesn`t mean that I got the solution now how to act instead of it.

You`re a really smart and witty woman, much respect and thanks again!

Answer
Dear Tania,

Yes, we are taught this as well, plus I think it is innate in women--

See how different cultures are, even the american-german one. Here you get teached all the time how a man appreaciates a woman spoiling him, cooking for him, tidy up and keep everyting clean and neat, ironing his work stuff etc. as if a man would notice on that, that you are wife material

Unfortunately, that doesn't work.  You don't show your wifely skills until AFTER you are married.  Of course there are women who don't have them, so men need to be on their toes as well.  I am not anti-men, I have sons.  I try to help people clarify what they want, and then be able to ascertain what memeber of the opposite sex can provide this.  But...you really need a personal coaching session, because you aren't "getting" it, so email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and we'll talk.  I don't like to give advice in a crowd.  

I want this to work for you.  Now and in the future.

Best,
Susan
www.susandunn.cc