Expert: Azure - 6/28/2004

Question
Dear Azure,
       I have a couple questions regarding my current relationship. My boyfriend is depressed and has been off and on for many years now. His older brother died 6 years ago and that made a big impact on him and his family, and was a great contributing factor to his depression. He tells me that some days he can't motivate himself to get out of bed and feels like disappearing altogether. He is taking medicine and has been for a long time but it doesn't get rid of these moods. However, he says that when he is with me, he never feels that way (we're in a long distance relationship so we don't see each other that often).

I have known him as a friend for four years now and as a boyfriend for one year. He has taught me how to respect myself and listen to my heart, and my five years of knowing him has been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life. Recently he has been worried about our future together, and how his depression might affect us when we live together. I am a very active person socially and I love my job and learning. I am at a good college, while, even though we went to the same high school, he didn't get into any schools (because our college counselour was worried for his mental health, I think he tainted the schools' views of the kind of candidate my boyfriend was). Since I am going to school, I have a lot of interesting friends and many guys who would like to date me. As he is working in Maine, he doesn't have that many friends (he quit smoking weed so his social network shutdown) and feels underappreciated. This feeling of inferiority is increased when he gets depressed and he feels like he isn't good enough for me.

My question is this: what is the best way to make him feel better and more motivated when he is feeling depressed? (I can only talk to him on the phone or over email) In addition, do you know of a constructive way for me to address my fears for the future too? His worries get to me sometimes and I can't help but wonder if he is the right one for me. He says I need someone who is more successful and whom my parents will approve of (needless to say, they do not approve of a guy working construction in Maine, even if he did go to the same high school as I did- and it was one of the best in the US).

He is a wonderful man in all respects except for this disabling disease which has prevented him from getting many things that he deserves in life.

Please advise me if you feel you can.

Thank you so much, Dorothy

Answer
your fears, translated into reasonable future concerns, are justified; make sure you know what you're getting into, especially as you envision it 5 years from now; once the gloss begins to diminish, as with most arrangements, his health issue could really bring you into a life of quiet desperation; i'd suggest motivating him to perhaps get other medical/psychiatric opinions, in the hope of a real beginning to long term improvement;  i wouldn't venture much beyond friendship unless/until visible progress and positive future prognosis is ascertained, as love many times isn't enough to make happy relationships..