Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/15/2007

Question
QUESTION: im going mad after one guy named ed! we dated 2 years ago until i left the country for college but knew i would return. the story was before we dated he knew i had a boyfriend & i felt like i wasnt at the right stage with my boyfriend to break up with him for ed. ed knew this but still wanted to be with me so i decided to give it a try and began to distant myself from my boyfriend so he got the message. eventually it ended with me and my boyfriend, so i was finally with ed. we had a wonderful time together, slept outside on a hammok, singing and dancing all night. about a week later my ex boyfriend phoned in tears begging me back and i was drawn between the two boys. im a sucker for sympathy so i took him back & ended it with ed. few weeks later me and my boyfriend broke up as things just werent the same, so me and ed got back together. about 3 weeks later along came my high school crush from years ago telling me he wanted to hang out and one thing led to another after a few drinks. i then broke up with ed out of guilt, but finally decided it was a silly mistake i had made, therefore ed and i managed to get back together. 2 days later i found out i was accepted into a college over seas. i had to leave him yet again! we didnt have any contact for 2 years until i came back and we hooked up, a week before new years and on new years as we were in the same area as eachother. he gave me his number but now does not return my phone calls or reply to my text messages. every time i see him he greets me then continues his own way leaving me confused and wondering was it just a fling for old times sake or is he scared im going to hurt him again? i really miss him and i'm madly in love with him! i need your advice!!!! iv been so desperate to talk to him but i get all nervous as it has been a while! please any advise will do!!!

thank you for ur time. .Xtal

ANSWER: Well, you can't blame him for thinking that you're kind of unpredictable.  Since you've already had a relationship with him you might try and have a talk with him, sayin that you still care about him and things will be different.  But then you'd need to behave differently.  You don't like wonderin what's going on and not being able to count on things any more than he does.

Give it a try!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Your advice is great! The best I've heard so far and I've spoken to everyone I know. But, the thing is when I phone him (i always have my number showing- I think it would be unfair on his behalf if I have it hidden) he never picks up and therefore never calls back. I always see him out at the same gatherings I go to, but it's so public and he's always with his friends so it's not the right place or time to speak to him. I have tried though, I must admit. I caught him on his own (in a nightclub) and asked if I could have a word with him; he told me to wait for him right there and he'll be back so we can talk. He never came back. Instead he went straight back to his friends. Maybe he forgot that I was waiting?
I saw him last night at a formal party and he was wearing a nice white suit. He approached me to greet me, but like I mentioned before, it's always a "hi and bye". As we greeted I complimented him and told him he looks really good, then he replied, "you too" as he walked away. After a few too many drinks I felt I was ready to speak to him. I felt confident and had everything that I was going to say planned out, along the lines of what you told me to say! As I saw him walking outside towards the car park, I walked outside too. He was no where to be found, yet i had just seen him walk out. His one close friend was outside, whom I've known for years, so I asked if he could phone Ed to see where he had disappeared to, not mentioning it was for my behalf. Ed answered saying he was outside in his car, yet his car was not where it was parked before, yet alone no where to be seen. Walking through the car park to find him I decided its time I, myself phoned. No answer, yet he had just answered his friends call. So I left it alone and went back to the party.
He is sending me so many mixed signals and I really don't know how to get his attention anymore. What is he trying to tell me? Is he playing "hard to get"? Or paying me back for the past? Or something totally different?
Please may I have your opinion and advice on this?

Thank you for your time again, and your previous advice!
Xtal
ANSWER: Dear Xtal,
It sounds like he is not interested at this time and is just being polite and mannerly.  It's not a good sign when you asked to talk and he said he would and then didn't come back.  You see, he meant "no," said "yes" and then acted out the "no."  That is what you should pay attention to.  When we're in love with someone, we don't think clear!  But the action speaks louder than words.

Best thing to do is be polite, don't initiate, don't follow him out into the parking lot, hope for the best. Let him be the first to say hi, or to compliment.  If he does, be polite.  Do not pursue him on this.  He sees you enough and knows where to find you.
Best,
Susan


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Are there any reasons for his behaviour towards me though? does he or could he still have feelings for me the way he used to? I cant seem to understand how he was so whipped and how his feelings could have changed from so much, to so little. Its very hard to understand that his feelings could have changed just like that
ANSWER: Dear Xtal,

It is the hardest thing in the world to understand, and the saddest thing in the world to deal with.  I think we have all stood at one time in our lives and said, "How can he/she not want this?  It's what I have always dreamed of."  And yet it happens.  We're left with "Did I mean nothing to him?  How can that be?"  Well these things are complicated.  People do fall out of love, just as they fall in love.  Guys have a way of deciding who they can "live with," keeping that separate.  I heard one the other day say, "I loved her, I still do, but all we did was fight."  Or they'll say "too high maintenance."  Or they're polite and say "This isn't about you.  It's about me."  In which case it is about you, or how he perceives the long-term compatiblity with you.  That guy found a woman that was compatible in the way that he wanted, for living with.  I can't explain it.  I've had to deal with just like everyone else.  He may still have feelings for you, but he doesn't want to make a relationship with you, and that's just the way it is.  It wouldn't help to hear that from him either, that he still has feelings for you that he's not willing to act on.  That would just make it worse.  If he doesn't take action, just let it be.  They all have unsatisfactory endings until the right one comes along and it's mutual.  
I know this.  We live our way into the answers.  Some day the reasons why may be more clear to you.  For now, hard and sad as it is, you just have to accept it.  We can't do anything about how someone feels about us.  Keep him in a gentle place in your heart, and move on.
Best,
Susan

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for being so honest! The people I have spoken to obviously have not wanted to upset me, so by them keeping the obvious to themselves they may think its best for me. But everything we have dicussed between you and me makes a lot more sense than any other opinion I've heard so far so I want to thank you for that! Just one last thing, when you say all relationships have an unsatisfactory ending till the right one comes along... Is it true that every one has "the one" out there? At the stage that I'm in I feel that maybe we have "the one" out there for us, but what if your not the one for them? I have had such bad luck (if you could call it luck) in every single relationship and I'm beggining to doubt the whole idea of "the one" being for every one. What are your thoughts on this?

Answer
Hi there,

Thanks for the affirmation.  I love my work.  We all delude ourselves when we are in love, there's not a person on earth who doesn't, and kind hearted people don't like to splash cold water in someone's face.  Also, we only listen when we are finally ready to hear.  (When the student is ready the teacher will come.)  I know how rough it is, because the man I loved most did not return  my affections in the end.  I see now that it was for the best, but that understanding didn't happen overnight.  So you are not alone.  Many share your pain, and I don't mean that as a platitude.  It's a waste of time to try and figure it out, because it really is about them, not you.

It's just a really bad sign when he said he'd some back and talk and then didn't.  If you continue to pursue, he will lose respect for you, and perhaps you, for yourself, and what we care about here, is YOU.

Now I think you're at a good point for trying something different because what you've been doing in relationships hasn't been working, right?  I asked you before to take a look at your initial behavior in that relationship.  You must admit the whole thing was chaotic.  Guys don't like that.

Email me offline if you like and we can talk about some things here.  Yes, there's someone out there for you, but you may need to work on a different presentation.  Hey, we all have to learn.  sdunn@susandunn.cc .  

Always glad to help.

Best,
Susan
www.susandunn.cc